At some point in your miserable existence, you’ll resort to online dating in a shameless effort to find your soul mate (read: get laid once or twice). And in that process, you’ll digress from full-on disclosure to blatant lying in an attempt to realize your potential mate is in fact your distant cousin. It’s time to face facts… love is merely a house built by bricks of lies!
1: Complete Honesty Phase
Name: Your real name (no, seriously…)
Quote: “I’m a rollercoaster of love… come take a ride!”
About Me: I’m 25, live in my parents’ garage, work from home for a telemarketing agency and enjoy cuddling ‘til the wee hours of the morning. I’m no Fabio, but I’m no Jon Lovitz either. Wait, you don’t know who Jon Lovitz is?!?! I also have a great sense of humor… for a 25-year-old who has no career and still lives with his parents.
Likes: The Lord of the Rings films and books, old-school Sega Genesis, first edition comic books, pocket lint and Two and a Half Men (except for Charlie Sheen… he’s soooo crude). And Jesus.
Dislikes: Meaningless sex, having self-esteem and sports.
I’m Looking For: An emotional connection with someone who gets my sense of humor and appreciates me for the inadequate boy-man that I am. My ideal partner looks like Tina Fey, plays Scrabble, only drinks coffee at alternative coffee shops and knows who Desmond Tutu is.
2: Subtle Lying Phase
Name: Harry Johnson
Quote: “I love Asian food… miso horny!”
About Me: I’m 25, live in a private loft in a nice residential area, have a flexible work schedule that allows for lunch dates and enjoy exploring my inner wild side with someone who’s passionate in bed. I’ve been told I look a little like David Duchovny and I tell jokes like an amateur Dave Chappelle.
Likes: ‘80s comedies, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, vodka tonics, college football and my vintage American-
made Fender Telecaster.
Dislikes: Organized religion and menstrual cycles.
I’m Looking For: Fun times with a fun gal. She must be able to laugh at my jokes (even if they’re stolen, word for word, from professional comedians). We don’t have to get freaky right away, but I need a girl who can eventually satisfy my sexual appetite… and my appetite requires three meals a day.
3: Blatant Lying Phase
Name: Jack Mehoff
Quote: “Do it like a porn star.”
About Me: I’m a 25-year-old hunk with his own pimped-out bachelor pad (with a wet bar and Jacuzzi!). I own my own business, so I work from home. I look exactly like Zack Morris and I have a tentative contract with Comedy Central for a two-part stand-up series where I make everyone in the entire world laugh so hard, milk simultaneously shoots out of their noses.
Likes: Meaningless sex with multiple women, bloody rare steaks, scotch on the rocks, tattoos, motorcycles and guns.
Dislikes: Condoms, girls who say no to threesomes and Sarah Jessica Parker.
I’m Looking For: No strings sex, twins, mother-daughter tandems, C-list celebrities looking for a quick ego boost and former Catholic schoolgirls with tons of repressed sexual tension.
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