I found four cockroaches in a box of Triscuit a few months back, I hate to have to get rid of them but I’m moving to a smaller place and won’t really have the room for them any more. All four of them (Mingus, Dinky, Cleopatra, and Prickly Pete) are house trained and need nothing more than some rotting garbage and an occasional scratch behind the antennae. Rehoming fee of $15 each or $50 for all four, as I would like to see them all stay together.

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Yard Swing

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Date: 2009-06-08, 10:47AM CDT

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Real nice yard swing for sell. Real comfrotable. Might have a few dog hairs on it but they will brush right off. Green all-wheather cover beside fence is includedTikee torch not included but will sale for 25.00.

300 Stuffed Penguins Free to Good Home

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Date: 2009-06-06, 5:38PM CDT

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********PENGUINS STILL AVAILABLE! Thank you for the overwhelming response********

What I’m offering here is about 300 stuffed penguins of various shapes, sizes, and species (predominately Emperor, though–like the kind in March of the Penguins) to a deserving child.

I’m going through a pretty weird time in my life right now–having just gone through a break-up and graduated college and temporarily living in my parents’ house before I move out for good in in the fall, though I remain unemployed because my philosophy degree is at *such* a premium–and sifting through my room (which has become a strange amalgam of my adolescence and burgeoning adulthood), it’s been brought to my attention that I probably won’t “catch a man” or have anyone believe I’m about to turn 23 with 300 penguins and a bunch of purple furniture around, that looking at my current room one might think some sort of 13-year-old with developmental issues is living here. I loved penguins as a child–long before they were trendy and had their own series of CGI movies or the godly voice of Morgan Freeman was involved–and collected them, often putting on penguin weddings and penguin ballet recitals where I made costumes for individual penguins, all of whom had names that I kept track of on my penguin censuses. I could recite all 16 species of penguin in alphabetical order…

…so, yes, I feel justified in saying I want a deserving child. A child that will really, well, love the penguins, and cherish his/her youth with them as it slowly slips away… Or, alternatively, some adult who has a great use for them, like if you are making the next big penguin movie (or play?). Or, if you are opening some new theme restaurant in town and need my penguins for your decor. As long as I’m auctioning off my childhood to the highest bidder, I reserve the right to be a little choosy.

E-mail with your intentions and we will work something out.

• Location: NW

Found: empty beer bottles.

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Date: 2009-06-04, 3:55PM CDT

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Attention! I’ve found a half finished Keystone Light, an empty fifth of Smirnoff vodka, and and one empty Corona with a lemon wedge. They were abandoned in my yard, alone and scared. Right now, they are staying in the empty Bud Light box with a litter of empty Smirnoff Light bottles in my garage. One of them is injured from being run over with a lawn mower, but is being nursed back to health. They are so cute, and all of them are housebroken! I am looking for a good home for these little foundlings, but they are a pack - I won’t have them broken up. If you are a white trash piece of shit who enjoys drunk driving around the neighborhood at 2 am and throwing your shit on everyone’s yard, I think these would make an adorable addition to your trailer park.

• Location: Kansas City, MO

Lost: Self Confidence

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Date: 2009-06-06, 11:44PM EDT

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Lost: Self confidence. Last seen downtown on 4/24 when company downsized, and at the airport on 5/15 when long-distance girlfriend revealed extra-curricular activity with another before departing. Began search on 4/27 looking in Monroeville, Oakland, and downtown but with no success since no one is hiring. Continued search on 5/29 on Carson street but inevitably had no good response to “what do you do?” If found, please email the above address. Reward available.

• Location: Pittsburgh

Husband wants a rusty trombone for his birthday

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Date: 2009-04-27, 8:03PM EDT

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My husband has asked for a rusty trombone for his birthday, which is Wednesday. I’ve scoured the pawn shops and music stores, and I haven’t found one. I am guessing that rusty ones will be cheaper than new ones, and I don’t know what the big deal is, but it’s what he wants and he is very specific about it. I could have bought a dozen new ones at this point, but he says that a rusty trombone is nostalgic for him, so I suppose it will mean more. If you selling (or even giving away) a rusty trombone, please let me know what you have, how much it costs and how I can get it (will you deliver it, or will I have to go to you?). Also, suggestions on how to wrap such a thing? Please help, I am down to the wire on this thing and I don’t like being this late with a gift!!!

• Location: Miami ANYWHERE!