Submitted By: Brian Hodges

There are few things more aggravating than a PC that doesn’t work. Mostly because it means you have to pay some pasty-faced geek from the school’s help desk to fix it. Why put yourself through that agony? You’d be surprised how many computer issues can be solved with almost no computer knowledge and only the barest amount of motivation.

1. RESTART

Kinda like going to the bar after your boyfriend dumps you, a PC needs to forget about all the negative crap that’s been running through its head, too. That’s why the occasional restart can be the cyber-equivalent of a fifth shot of Cuervo, only better. While the errors, low registry-esteem and other nasty bits are conveniently obliterated from memory, it’s unlikely your PC will wake up
next to a strange copy machine in the morning.

Just make sure you actually click “Restart.” Hitting “Standby” or closing the lid on your laptop will be about as effective as reading old love letters before crying yourself to sleep. Come morning, you’ll both be just as messed up as you were before.

2. RESEAT

“Reseating” is just a techie-sounding (and less sexually suggestive) way of saying, “Pull it out, stick it back in.” And whereas restarting can solve a number of software issues, reseating is often the cure for various hardware conundrums. That goes for USB devices such as iPods and trackballs, as well as internal devices like your hard drive or the board that feeds your monitor.

So if something starts acting funny, make like a freshman losing his virginity: once out, once in, and you’re done. Just make sure to power down and discharge any static from your hand before messing around inside the PC. All that in ‘n’ out won’t help if you fry your motherboard.

3. DE-CLUTTER AND DE-FRAGMENT

A hardcore computer nerd rebuilds his hard drive from scratch the instant it starts running slow. You don’t need to go that crazy. After all, why take a flamethrower to that mess of a room when some simple housekeeping will make it livable again? In the Start Menu under Programs/Accessories/System Tools, there are two programs that will go all French maid on your computer… minus the hot accent and low neckline, of course.

Disk Cleanup sweeps away the random bits and temp files that accumulate over time, and Disk Defragment puts everything back into a cohesive order. This lets your PC gain faster access to the files it needs without tripping over beer bottles and pizza boxes along the way.

4. KILL THE MALWARE

Running an anti-virus program on your PC should be as “no duh” a concept as wearing a condom with the campus slut. But if the rising herpes and malware rates in this country are anything to go by, people still have plenty of “duh” to go around. If your computer remains sluggish after a Cleanup and Defrag session, get yourself a virus scanner and let it go nuts like a repressed Catholic schoolgirl. There could be something malicious behind that burning sensation whenever Firefox fails to load.

Even if your computer is running fine, load the scanner anyway. It may not itch yet, but with as many places as you stick that little thumb drive of yours, you’re just begging to pick up something icky. AVG and Avast Antivirus are free and effective programs. Download one of them now before the clinic runs out of cream.

5. GOOGLE THAT SH**

Like your mom told you at age 13 after your 1,000th hormonal outburst and tearful claim that nobody understands you: “Are you really so narcissistic as to believe you’re the first person on earth to experience an invalid page fault error?” Okay, so she didn’t use those exact words, but if you’re getting the same error over and over again, chances are someone else has too… and he’s written about it online.

So, type a few keywords into everyone’s favorite search engine and chances are you’ll find an answer to your misery within a few minutes. Then you can stop blogging about the drama on LiveJournal.