Submitted By: Brian Hodges - WVU

College will be the last time in your life when you’re not too snobby for bunk beds, beer can artwork and communal showers. But just because your tastes in wall art and foot fungus will change, it doesn’t mean your palate for cheap college food has to go with it. The trick is being vigilant about not eating certain things, lest they ruin perfectly good edible crap for the rest of your life and turn you into an insufferable snob.

1. FRESHLY GROUND COFFEE

A few years from now when you decide to get married, you’ll be tempted to register for a coffee grinder. You’ll also be tempted to register for a juicer and pasta maker that you’ll never take out of the box. But at least those are victimless gifts. Just be warned, as soon as you drop coffee beans into that grinder, your days of drinking regular old Joe are over.

Once that sweet and earthy aroma wafts into your nostrils and you realize that coffee doesn’t actually have to taste like dog excrement, you’ll never stomach another cup of gas station sludge again. This may not sound so bad, but believe me, your friends are going to stop inviting you over after the fifth or sixth bitchy dissertation you make over their economy-sized tub of Folgers.

2. STEAK FROM ANY HALFWAY-DECENT TEXAS STEAKHOUSE

You never knew how sucky every steak you ever ate was until you set foot in a Saltgrass, Hofbrau or Big Texan. That’s why my advice to you is this: DON’T GO! Unless you plan to settle down in the Lonestar State, avoid it completely.

Either that or eat salad the entire time you’re there because you’ll never be able to enjoy the floppy leather they serve at Outback again after cutting into a steak that was raised, butchered and cooked by the only people on earth who know how to do it right. And then the rest of us will be forced to muzzle you every time we fire up the grill.

3. QUICHE

There’s not a straight man in this world who actually likes this froufy-frou-frou food, so why take the chance that you might? You’ll only sound like a tool every time you ask what the special is at brunch.

4. DARK BEER

At some point, every one of us must graduate from the flat pisswater of our youth. But stick to Amstel Light when your palate matures. Why? Because an Amstel drinker is content to sit back and enjoy his beer. But woe is the guy whose friend recently sampled his very first Guinness. Lordy, get ready for an hour-long history of beer, complete with a tutorial on the differences between stouts, porters and the rest of the suds subgenres.

The douche factor doubles for anyone who has traveled throughout Europe. Seriously dude, none of us want to hear about how they do things in Ireland or why our choice of beer had a substandard fermentation process. We just want to get drunk in peace. So, unless you’re mature enough to leave us alone, do the world a favor and stick to Budweiser.

5. ANY WINE THAT DOESN’T COME FROM A BOX

All over Europe, the people can simply drink their wine and enjoy the fact that it’s socially acceptable to get drunk during their lunch break. But Americans are mostly incapable of drinking wine without feeling the need to talk about wine. And quite frankly, the rest of us don’t want to listen to you prattle on about bouquets, finishes and the subtle body differences between a particular ‘97 pinot noir and its ‘98 unfiltered counterpart. If you want to drink, stick to the Wine Cube. If you want to talk about drinking, go to A.A.

6. PRETTY MUCH ANY FOOD WITH THE NAME OF A CITY IN THE TITLE

Philly Cheese Steaks, New England Clam Chowder, Chicago Style Hotdogs. One of the great joys of the summer road trip is sampling all the foods that made a region famous. But be careful because as soon as you return home, you’re going to be awfully sad to find out those “Jersey Shore Fries” at the mall are never quite as crispy and tangy as the ones you got at the actual Shore.

Meanwhile, the rest of us who are just fine with soggy fries have to endure another round of your stupid digital pictures while listening to you bitch and moan. Either eat the food and shut up about it or stick to McDonald’s for the duration of your trip.