Variety, as they say, is the spice of life (while clichés are merely the seasoning); and for your love life, there can be no truer philosophy. There are a plethora of other women out there – each with their own dating skills and benefits to offer. So, when that mini-fling with your current chick finally peters out, refer to the following list to scout out your next relationship.
This girl may seem flighty, smell of hemp and curry and spend a lot of time learning about spirituality, Eastern religions and natural healing. But that just means she’s probably read at least one book in the Kama Sutra series. Once she lights that incense, puts on the sitar music and aligns your chakras, you’ll be impressed with how focused she actually is. Plus, she probably has really good ganja.
2. THE PYSCH MAJOR CHICK
Oh, believe me, you’re in for some trouble, because she’s learned all the psychobabble tools to win any argument. But if she’s very diligent in her studies, which she most likely is, she’s probably well aware of how important sex is to a healthy relationship. This Freudian chick may be able to help you combat the likes of your weird fascination with midget porn once and for all! Sounds like a win-win to me. But just one word of advice: if she asks you to participate in any of her weird “experiments,”run like hell! Or stay if you’re into that kind of thing.
She’s got her daddy’s money, her momma’s good looks and an incredibly shallow existence that’s sure to wear on you (and your wallet) after a while. She’s got bad taste in friends, bad taste in music and well, bad taste in food (come on, caviar over pizza? Gimme a freakin’ break), but don’t rule her out just yet; how else are you going to see Paris without staying in a mold/rodent infested hostel? Besides, if the good lord didn’t bless her with a set of righteous cans, you can bet your sweet ass she’s sportin’ the best ta-ta’s money can buy.
She drinks beer, cares about football and can belch the alphabet if properly motivated. She’s the kind of girl you don’t mind bringing out with your buddies, because you know she’ll have dirtier jokes, more accurate baseball stats and better ball-busting comebacks than any of them. Unfortunately, the relationship is doomed to fail once you both realize that she’s actually more of a man than you are. But hey, use it to your advantage. See which one of you can be the nastiest in bed before the other one cracks.
5. THE PSYCHO CHICK
Make no mistake, dating this girl is going to be the worst damn year of your life. She’ll be jealous of every woman you talk to (including family members), she’ll cry more frequently than she puts out and she’ll probably steal or vandalize something of yours every time you end the relationship – because it will take multiple attempts. But, you’ll be wowing people for years with true stories that end with statements like, “Then after writing my name across her butt in cinnamon toothpaste, she hung 20 voodoo dolls from condoms outside my dorm room window.” You can’t put a price on good wholesome crazy like that, now can you?
6. THE OLDER CHICK
This is a big fantasy for most guys, but wipe that dopey grin off your schoolboy face before you go for your 50-something-year-old Exceptional People professor. This isn’t about you, buddy, and anyone with a 60-something-year-old vagina is enough of a reason NOT to get serious with her. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t “humpty dumpty” your old lady friend – even if only for the night. If nothing else, her aged wisdom and “experience” will help you correct all those lame, little “techniques” you always thought were so studly, but the younger girls actually laughed at behind your back.
Sure, her hair is pulled back tighter than the federal budget, and, sure, she says meeting Rush Limbaugh was the high point of her life. But for anyone who grew up with a Congressman’s daughter, leaving home becomes an experiment in revolution. When the two of you are alone (and that hairclip comes out), she’ll surprise you with her (ahem) pent up “socialist agenda.” Hopefully, she’ll avail you her “ballot box,” in which case, you should definitely cast your vote for the uptight conservative chick. Just make sure you don’t act like an ass…even if you are a self-proclaimed left-winged “donkey.”Share this Post[?]