A Guy’s Guide to Girly Drinks

cocktails

At some point in this planet’s drinking history, society decreed that a man’s drink must be brown, smell like ass and burn a hole in your stomach. Admit it… beer is only slightly better. Compare that to the brightly colored, sweetly flavored, giggle-inducing drinks that women are allowed to order without judgment. What you wouldn’t give to trade that vomit-on-the-rocks for something that tasted like guava or lollipops. Believe it or not, there are times and places where girly drinks are perfectly acceptable for a manly man such as yourself.

COLORFUL FRUITY MIXERS

Notable Examples: Long Island Iced Tea, Sex on the Beach, Anything with a “-sour” at the end

The beauty of these drinks is that the girl whose judgment you’re trying to compromise doesn’t even notice that she’s drinking alcohol. But unless you want the meatheads to give you a swirly, don’t you dare order yourself a Malibu-and-Anything.

How to Get Away With It:

If you’re just dying for a Fuzzy Navel, find a Japanese restaurant and order a Scorpion Bowl for the table.  At least then you’re not being girly… just sociable.

WINE COOLERS AND “HARD” JUICES

Notable Examples: Bartles & Jaymes, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice

After sucking down your 100th piss-water Coors Light, a bottle of something cold and tangy (yet still alcoholic) sounds pretty good. But admit it… it’s hard to bring that purple six-pack up to the register without feeling like a teenage prom queen in a tiara.

How to Get Away With It:

Newly 21 year olds are your safety net. Too young to know better, they’re not going to judge you for cracking open that bottle of Bacardi Silver. They’re just happy you’re sharing and they’re finally of age.

COSMO-TINIS

Notable Examples: Cosmopolitan, Appletini, pretty much anything  in a triangular glass

Thanks to those promiscuous ladies from Sex & the City, every woman who wants to feel a bit classy – while paying through the teeth – orders some kind of Martini or Cosmopolitan. They’re often brightly colored with a token amount of fruit dumped in, but they really don’t taste any better than the ass-water we men have to deal with on a daily basis.

How to Get Away With It:

Why would you want to? Martinis are your last stop on the train to full-blown alcoholism. And if you’re going to drink something that makes you gag, you might as well stick to a concoction with two olives in it, if you catch my drift.

FROZEN MONSTROSITIES

Notable Examples: Piña Colada, Strawberry Margarita, Mudslide

As if the little umbrella and wedge of fruit or Godiva chocolate weren’t a dead giveaway, even the glasses look like a shapely woman’s figure! Add to that the fact that it takes about 20 minutes to make, and you’re practically begging the bartender to teabag your prissy little drink.

How to Get Away With It:

The beach. Seriously, it’s your only option. So, ask yourself, “What would Jimmy do?” Hit the tiki bar every day in Mexico, that’s what… because as soon as you get home and into a place with a non-thatched roof, those coconutty parfaits are off limits.

GIRLY SHOTS

Notable Examples: Lemondrop, Kamikaze, BJ

It takes a truly remarkable girl to lick it, slam it and suck it with a shot of Cuervo. For the rest, those brilliant marketing people at Get You S**tfaced, Inc. are always inventing sexy-sounding and pleasant-tasting shooters… shooters that you are not allowed to shoot, no matter how much you want to.

How to Get Away With It:

The only excuse you have is if you’re ordering a large number of shots for a crowd of at least 50 percent women. Then you can pass it off as, “It’s just easier to order 10 Buttery Nipples. I don’t want the bartender to spit in my Wild Turkey.”


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