GOATEE

For better or worse, this style has been the go-to standard for the last decade or so, and for good reason. The ‘tee is relatively easy to maintain and just about anybody can pull it off. But beware! Already, some are calling this facial hairstyle “the new mullet.” Fortunately, plenty of professional athletes and Hollywood stars are still sporting the look, so get in on it while you can before it becomes the exclusive property of redneck tow truck drivers.

SOUL PATCH

As its name indicates, this tiny patch of hair below the bottom lip became fashionable amongst black musicians during the jazz era. The look was then stolen for a bit by pretentious white poets. Still, this style isn’t for everyone. It’s best used as part of an overall “look” that is best pulled off by musicians and artists. For the rest of us, you’re better off including the patch as part of a larger goatee.

SIDEBURNS

It has been said that sideburns are best used on “guys who are too young to know better,” which makes them perfect for a baby-faced college dude trying desperately not to look like a 13-year-old. Of course, if you do decide to sport this look, just make sure to keep those ‘burns under control and above the earlobe. Think Danny Masterson, a.k.a. Hyde, from That ‘70s Show because while a shaggy pair of mutton-chops may look badass on Wolverine, they just look ridiculous on you.

MUSTACHE

While this look may have represented the epitome of manliness in the ‘70s and ‘80s (think Magnum P.I.), in recent years it has reverted back to the exclusive domain of gay men and pot-bellied Chicago Bears fans… and, of course, Borat. And hey, if you fit one of those categories, go for it. Otherwise, you’re better off complementing   the ‘stache with a “reciprocal something” on the chin.

FIVE O’CLOCK SHADOW

It doesn’t matter that this look needs to be crafted with close trimming every day. No other facial hairstyle will give you a more virile and rugged look that women seem to swoon over. The downside to “designer stubble” is that while it may look manly, it feels like sandpaper against a lady’s skin. That can be bad while kissing… and even worse while engaging in more “advanced” tongue play.

FULL BEARD

No other style on this list will go further in the way of making you look prematurely old, which can be cool if you’re trying to get into a bar on a lousy fake I.D. Beards also have the added benefit of covering up facial irregularities, which can be cool if you have scars, blemishes or chubby cheeks. Just be sure to keep things neat. We’re going for George Clooney on this one, not Z.Z. Top.