Relationships can be tough. Guys have to deal with unreasonable expectations based on TV and film love affairs. Girls have to fake orgasms. Yeah, it’s hard keeping your love life afloat in this day and age. That’s why the last thing you need to be bothered with is your dating destination. Is it the right place? Will it cost too much? Is it too soon to fly her to my family’s private island via our private jet? Stop! Take a deep breath. CT’s here to educate you unlike any professor you’ve ever had. When we’re done with you, you’ll be a regular Don Juan on the dating scene… minus the charming good looks and European allure.

The 1st Date

You only get one shot at a first impression, so don’t let the backdrop for that moment be someplace horribly cheesy, like, say, your filthy frat house, a strip club or the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet right off campus. While you don’t want your date to think you’re a complete scrub, you also don’t want to give off the idea that you’re a pompous, spoiled prick who throws money around like confetti at a tickertape parade. That’s why a modest dinner is the way to go. It allows you to get the initial back-and-forth BS out of the way while also enjoying some chicken and maybe a few cocktails. If you’re the romantic type, find a quaint, non-franchised restaurant for an intimate meal or a scenic outdoors location for a private picnic along the river. On the other hand, if you’re more of a wild n’ crazy cat, any place that serves alcohol will do. It doesn’t matter if the place is packed and louder than a heavy metal concert… you’ll get to know each other better later on…
in the bedroom…

Dates 2–5

Clearly there’s an attraction… either to your personality or your wallet. But now the onus is on you to stir up some creativity and show your date a new and exciting evening. Unlike the first date, you won’t need to waste time pouring over mindless info like your major, your favorite actor and where you were born. You got that crap out of the way already. Head to an amusement park for a fun day date. Let the water ride lead to a lil’ slip n’ slide later on. Other viable options include a romantic comedy at the movie theater, wine tasting for two or boating on a lake. You know… things that will lead to you being alone together and/or drunk, because let’s face it, you guys still need a lil’ liquid courage at this stage in the game.

Dates 6–10

Well, despite the fact that you’re about as sexually appealing as a brillo pad, somebody out there has found you attractive enough to keep around for more than five dates. You’re almost at the “can’t fail” level where no dating destination is off limits… even that nasty Chinese buffet you’ve been pining to go to. Take this time to appreciate your sudden standing in the dating world by suggesting totally one-sided ideas, like the sports bar for football, a gardening etiquette seminar or perhaps a trip to your favorite prostitute for a lil’ man-a-jo-three. Screw it and throw caution to the wind. You’ve made it this far, so what’s the worst that could happen?

Dates 11 and Beyond

Congratulations! You are officially in a monogamous relationship, complete with loss of freedom, scheduled sex times and “group dates” with other couples who also have no lives. At this point, dating destination is a far distant priority to things like “getting home in time for Conan and cuddling in bed” and “should we have the leftovers for lunch or save them for dinner?” You could literally go to the grocery store and call it a date. Even worse, you’ve gone from that “we’re just getting to know each other’s bodies… let’s screw every day!” phase to the “been there, done that (a lot)… I’d rather do laundry” phase. Honestly, you should consider castration. Or you could just find a new squeeze and start the dating process all over again.