I have trouble telling these two mesmerizing anatomical areas apart at times. There’s an inherent thought that a woman with bigger boobs is better than a woman with a bigger brain. And that is true… kind of. She’s better at looking hot in a bra. She’s probably better at running across a beach in a skimpy swimsuit, too. But is she better all around? Let’s have a look…

FRIENDSHIP

Big brains can be both helpful and detrimental to your relationships, depending on the situation. A girl equipped with a colossal cranium could know just the right thing to say. Then again, she could also turn every little word against you in some intellectual assault on your actions. Likewise, boobs can either progress or completely derail a friendship. A bountiful bosom can make even the bluest of chums feel better. Unfortunately, Mount Melons have also been known to deceive friends and inadvertently lead them on.

VERDICT: Draw

ENTERTAINMENT

Big brains are good for stimulating conversations about post-modern feminism and the theory of relativity pertaining to Samantha’s sleeping habits on Sex and the City, but much like current episodes of Family Guy, they just tend to bore you to sleep. Boobs, on the other hand, are the oldest form of entertainment known to mankind. Before electricity was invented, men and women worldwide used big, bouncing bazookas for everything from swimming lessons to remedial mountain climbing tutorials.

VERDICT: Boobs

SUSTENANCE

Brains have been tapped throughout history to help decipher which plants were edible, which parts of animals were tastiest and which mushrooms wouldn’t make you think your right hand was morphing into a purple elephant. On the flip side, boobies are merely attractive cow udders. And your mother’s involved…

VERDICT: Brains

PROBLEM SOLVING

There’s no ailment in the world that boobs can’t cure. Better yet, size requirements are rarely a necessity when it comes to alleviating a situation. Sure, you may want a heaping handful of double Ds to ease your pain, but no one’s turning down a reasonable B-cup when push comes to shove. Conversely, big brains have yet to figure out a way to rid the world of AIDS, cancer and Carlos Mencia once and for all.

VERDICT: Boobs

FINAL VERDICT

With all due respect to chicks with big brains, our informal male survey indicates that your cranial capacities pale in comparison to the mammoral magnificence that is big breasteses. So why don’t you use those big brains to get a decent job, earn some money and buy yourself the most valuable gift on Earth – big boobs!