By John Scheck

We will probably never agree upon a general set of rules for the public use of cell phones. At least we can come to some agreement with a list of appropriate HAIKUS for those inappropriate moments where some assclown is yapping away while you’re trying to enjoy some peace of mind.

General Public Nuisances

Your ringer is cool;
Is that a Motley Crue song?
Answer the damn thing!

Oh my God, for real;
Technology’s, like, so cool.
Dumber by the day.

My phone makes me great;
I am the king of the world.
Cell phone bill iceberg.

So interesting;
Things overheard on your cell.
That’s sarcasm, jerk.

Can you hear me now?
Maybe I should talk louder?
Stuff a sock in it.

I love my cell phone;
R U going to the mall?
Shut the f*** up, bitch.

I punch the keypad;
I’m a text message guru.
Grammar optional.

Define obnoxious:
You let your phone ring ten times
Before you answer.

Talking While Driving

I can drive and talk;
They call it multi-tasking.
That bump felt human.

I drive a Hummer;
I always talk on my cell.
Public enemy.

Cell phone in your hand;
“I Heart Rush” on the bumper.
Red state road hazard.

Please Turn Off Your Cell Phone Situations

I love opera;
Even when they aren’t singing.
Ring, who could that be?

Your cell phone goes off;
The movie has just started.
What planet you from?

So quiet in here;
The library is peaceful.
Time to call my friends.

Public Transportation

On the bus I talk;
Nothing to say but so what?
Someone please kill her.

Now phones on the plane;
No where to hide from yakkers.
Maybe I can walk?

While Interacting with the “Servant Class”

In line on the phone;
Customers are always right.
We hate you so much.

Give me a latte;
No, I won’t hang up the phone.
God, what a dickhead!

I’ll just point at things;
I have to take this phone call.
Must be your mother.