Beware the hickey, a sign of sloppy, thoughtless making out with inexperienced undergrads. Avoid 18 year olds on their first year of underage drinking if hickeys are unwanted. Hickeys change into bite marks, as the freak-in-the-sheets gets older. When capillaries near the skin rupture and bleed from suction, the result is a bruise. Hickeys can last up to two weeks. They are easily noticed because facial hair doesn’t tend to grow on the neck (or for you girls, hopefully not at all), and the Florida heat keeps young people scantily clad.

Ways to Hide:

Scarves can cover them up, but again, it is way too hot and the questioning of outfit choice would cause aggravation. Turtle necks could cover it up, but the men wearing these may never get a hickey again because nobody wants to make out with a Grandma’s boy. The only sexy turtlenecks are the ones worn by the USC cheerleaders and Archer.

Band-Aids can hide them as well. Make sure you have an extravagant but believable story to back it up. Guys can blame it on shaving or handyman repairs around the apartment. Ladies need something traumatic like a snake or spider bite.

A Sage and Vinegar poultice is the ancient remedy. Back then it was not for hickeys but rather general bruising. Grind the sage as close to powder form as possible and add hot vinegar; the amount should be just enough to create a paste. This will be soaked into gauze or a cloth and placed on the hickey. I have never tried it nor do I know anyone who has, so attempt at your own risk. Aloe Vera gel can help speed the healing process by 30–50 percent.

The ice/heat method is another option.  Ice can be used in the first 48 hours. Simply wrap one ice cube in a napkin and hold on hickey for 20 minutes. Do this a few times a day for the first two days. The heat application is on the third day until it disappears. Use a hot compress for 10–20 minutes on the bruised area to increase blood flow. Massage hickey to spread out bruising.

When in doubt, use camouflage. Put on foundation makeup. If you’re a man then ask any girl with whom you are not trying to hook up. I assume that at least 75 percent of hickeys are on men. You should probably ask the girl to put it on in exchange for the erotic tale of your hickey origin.

Excuses:

Mixed Martial Arts and Jiu Jitsu are becoming very popular with the same age group prone to hickeys. Bruising happens all too often from a standard practice. Give the “I was UFC fighting” excuse and start a whole new conversation on how much of a bad ass you are! With women’s MMA classes offered at gyms like F2 Arena in Gainesville and The Jungle MMA in Orlando, the excuse works just as well for women.

Vacuum injuries are not common so be careful whom you try to fool. Attempt this on the gullible. Avoid this excuse with law or medical students. Go for it with any social science major. Claim that while vacuuming, you wanted to see if the lint on your shirt would come off and you missed and it sucked your neck. No possibility of lint?  Then try saying you wanted to see if a vacuum could get out wrinkles like an iron.

Paintballs cause the perfect size, shape and color of a hickey mark. Commercial paintball fields require competitors to wear a neck protector to avoid airway injuries so keep that in mind when telling the location of where this ‘battle’ took place.

Tanning sprays and lotions are increasing in sales with the hype of melanoma skin cancer. Try a spray tan mist or rubbing a bronzer lotion around the area so it blends. If it does not cover it up, then blame it on a bad spray or allergic reaction to the tanner.

The idea of this article came after listening to a radio morning show. This lady called in thinking her husband was cheating and then realized her newborn was turning towards any part of skin and sucking. She saw her infant in action and then halted all accusations of cheating by her husband, who turned from cheat-fest king to number one dad in a matter of seconds.

If all else fails:

Admit to the hickey in a cute and clever way. Vampires are popular these days, so claim you’re the helpless victim of a vampire attack. Nowadays vampires are becoming sexy and loved by young girls. I was forced to watch Twilight New Moon in theaters by my ex-girlfriend and was very uncomfortable when a vampire would take off his shirt and I heard “I would tear that boy up” by some random girl in the audience. This vampire trend makes me wonder if the rising popularity of zombies will ever create a similar sex appeal for girls.

Fact

Hickeys are a sign of possession and a mild form of sadism: deriving pleasure from inflicting pain. Biting is a stronger form of sadism.

        

You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

You shouldn’t wear makeup. It’s messing with perfection!

If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I’d have a galaxy in my hand.

There isn’t a word in the dictionary for how good you look.

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

Fascinating. I’ve been looking at your eyes all night long because I’ve never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.

        

Men, listen up!

Here’s some decoded information from LADIES… what they say, do, and really mean in order to get MEN to notice them! Pay attention to these obvious signs of flirtation. They may say one thing, but they really mean another!

What She Says:
“Hi! You’re Tommy’s (Insert any guy’s name) friend, right?”
What She Means:
“At first, I checked out Tommy and thought, ‘Wow!’ Then I saw you hanging out with Tommy and immediately thought, ‘Forget Tommy – Who is THAT hottie?’ Right now, I am pretending this is the first time I’ve ever met you, but believe me, I know who you are!”

What She Says:
“I’m having so many problems with my boyfriend who lives 12,000 miles away.
What She Means:
Chances are, she’s no longer feeling the guy she claims she to ‘love?’ No, really… I do… and has found herself attracted to you.

What She Says to a Guy:
“Will you play me a song on your guitar?”
What She Means:
“Will you write a song about me and use it to serenade me?” It’s the secret wish of many women out there to have a song written about them. It’s beyond flattering. She’ll be putty in your hands if you look her right In the eye, stroke the guitar, and sing along.

What She Says:
“My back is KILLING me.”
What She Means:
“Please give me a massage.” You are seriously clueless if you don’t get this one. Most girls are suckers for massages, and when they request one, they want you to touch them. When they make any type of comment about their neck, shoulders or back hurting, that is your cue to offer a massage… immediately!

What She Does:
‘Play’ Dances with you at a bar or party
What She Means:
“Notice me bumping my hips against yours?” Who cares if you can’t dance – neither can she. She’s just using some overplayed song as an excuse for you to notice her body. And you do. Trust me, you do.

What She Says:
“Can I sleep in your room for a little while? My roommate sexiled me!”
What She Means:
“Can I sleep in your bed (on a platonic level) but secretly hope that we hook up… which is why I am wearing my sexiest tank-top?” This innocent question is really her way of literally inviting herself into your bed, using her roommate as an excuse.

        

When it comes to dating, girls get a bad rap. Like it or not, a lot of people tend to characterize us as obsessive over-analyzers who dream about an engagement ring on the second date. Maybe some girls are like that, but I haven’t met many of them. Most of us are just trying to wade through the tricky waters of the dating double standard. While guys can play the field ‘til the cows come home (and even take the cow home to bed!), one date too many for a girl and suddenly she’s a slut.

Since the playing field is already tilted in favor of the fellas, we’ve got to find unique and creative ways to get by until we find Mr. Right. Or we could go a step further and just start Dating Like A Guy. Listen and learn, ladies…

Digits Then Ditch It

You wrote your number down on a napkin, he programmed it into his phone and then you parted ways. Cool. Now all that happens is he calls… or he doesn’t. No matter how hard you think about the previous night or how many Romance Candles you meditate around, the truth remains that it’s up to him to pursue you. Don’t sweat it. That’s what a dude would do. If he calls, great. If not, there are another 10,000 guys wearing the same polo shirt with the same Abercrombie hairdo wandering around campus. Play the odds, not the sucker.

Whatevs…

There’s a reason why “head over heels” implies a female obsessive nature in relationships. Guys simply don’t put their heart into something unless it contains gambling, sports or $.25 beer. Channel that same nonchalance and let the boys know you’re as laid back about dating as they are. In fact, this may have a reverse psychological effect, causing them to start freaking out about your interest level! Guys are such puppets…

Sisters Before Misters

No matter how much you’re into a new guy, make sure to keep in mind all your girlies who came before and will be there after. A hot guy is like steak dinner… he’ll feed you for one night then leave you hungry the next. A good girlfriend is like the whole damn farm… she’ll help you find a steady meal any time you’re craving some meat.

Their Loss Is Your Gain

Lots of times, girls will take a rejection personally. I wasn’t hot/witty/smart enough for him…
I was too this, not enough that. Scratch that mentality from your mindset and start looking at the dating glass half full. A guy blows you off? Fine… on to his much hotter frat brother or that sexy lacrosse player at the end of the bar. In the dating world, optimism leads to orgasms.
Learn it. Live it. Love it.

        

Before we begin, let’s clarify something. When we say dating an older man, we’re not talking about a freshman shtupping a senior. “MAN” is a title no boy earns until he’s lived on his own, established a career, survived at least one long-term relationship and stopped eating with plastic utensils. So we’re talking an age difference at least wide enough to make the waitress carding you raise her eyebrows. Which can make for awkward moments. But name a dating situation that isn’t awkward at first? And if you can get past those initial knee-jerk “this is weird” feelings, going out with an older man can be a completely worthwhile experience.

DATING

Let’s not fool ourselves. His initial attraction to you is most likely a physical thing, mixed with a bit of novelty. Barring a few chronic cradle-robbers, most older men are going to be surprised as hell that someone so young, energetic and (let’s just say it) perky is even showing an interest. The good thing is, unlike the boys you’ve been going out with, older men don’t play games. If he likes you, you’ll know it. And if he doesn’t, he won’t jerk you around. He may not shower you with gifts and expensive meals (he’s old, not rich), but over the years he’s discovered his own cadre of places for fun and unique dates which can be a welcome change from the local bar all those boys keep taking you. And hey, don’t be afraid to invite him to a few of the places you like hanging out. If he likes you enough to date you, it means he’s curious about the things that make you tick, too.

CONVERSATION

This can be tricky, especially early on. He remembers when our biggest fear was Russia. Your first experience with Star Wars involved Jar Jar Binks. You’ve never heard of some band he considers integral to rock history. He has no idea how to work his smartphone. Rather than letting these generational differences be dividing points, embrace them with a sense of humor for the amazing conversation starters they are. Provided he’s not a complete douche who belittles the younger generation the two of you may actually find a lot of intellectual and emotional common ground from your separate paradigms. Just be prepared for him to tell you about a thousand twenty-year-old movies that you just have to see. And sure, there are going to be those “oh god” moments, like when he mentions his prom and you realize it was the same year you started Kindergarten. But if you can laugh with it and stick with that age-is-just-a-number mentality, that little moment can actually become charged with electricity as you both realize that despite the much higher number on his driver’s license, you’re both actually into each other.

ROMANCE

For better or worse, he’s been around the block a few times. He’s learned some stuff. With luck he’s been in a relationship with somebody who was patient enough to educate his ass on what works and what doesn’t. He knows how to kiss. He knows how to touch. He knows how to make you feel like the only girl in the world. And when he finally gets you into bed, he has graduated from a college boy’s poking and prodding to a veritable arsenal of field-tested moves and techniques. It’s your job to simply let him know which ones are working. Remember, he’s used to sexing up women. Women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to say it. Now is not the time to lay there silent like a deer in headlights. And yes, being that this guy is getting up in years, the plumbing may not always be perfect, and you may have an evening or two where things just aren’t working for him. Please don’t take it as a personal failing. Just be happy about the fact that when you get up to shower, his bathroom will have soap and shampoo and conditioner as well as clean towels and a distinct lack of mold around the toilet.

        

Popping your cherry. Giving your flower. Taking the one-way ticket out of Palmdale. Whatever tired euphemism you call it, losing your virginity can be a decision fraught with nerves and, depending on your religious affiliation, varying degrees of “when should I/who should I”? And despite what those same religions might tell you, there’s no single when or who that works for everyone. Here are some things to consider when it comes to cashing in your V-card.

RANDOM LAY

Sometimes you just wanna get it over with. And depending on the situation (events surrounding a rock concert or trip to Europe flash immediately to mind), this could end up being a really hot way to lose it. Especially if you’re a guy because, let’s face it, worst thing that happens for you is you’re lousy and so amped up that it only lasts ten seconds. The stakes are a bit higher for a girl becoming a woman since it can be hard to trust a quasi-stranger’s sensitivity when your first time begins to hurt. Still one would hope that you exercised at least a little judgment in this first-time fling. Point is, now is not the time to be timid. Own the moment. Tell him exactly what this night means for you, and speak up when you need him to stop or go slower. Maybe no Disney princess ever did it this way, but done correctly, your out-of-the-blue first time could end up the stuff of rock-n-roll legend.

BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND

Statistically speaking this is the way most of you are likely to do it – according to studies I had neither the time nor inclination to look up. And there clearly is
a lot of good that comes from losing your virginity to someone you know, trust, possibly even love. Most likely you’ll have talked about it ahead of time so that you’re both prepared physically and emotionally. What’s more, being invested in each other means your partner will hopefully be patient and considerate with you. Which is good because odds are high that no matter who your first time is with, it’s going to be weird, awkward, possibly even unpleasant. That’s why doing it that first time with a significant other can be so great. Not only can the two of you laugh together whenever hymen, lubrication and your own mutual geometries get in the way, but you can talk about what went “wrong” the first time and make it better the next go around.

GOOD FRIEND

Listen, boyfriends come and girlfriends go. But losing your virginity to a dear friend can serve to strengthen the bond you have and be something the two of you remember fondly long after you’ve each partnered off with others. It can be odd, no doubt, and very easy for one person or the other to get more attached than intended. We’re so used to having our sexual feelings mix with romantic ones as opposed to platonic, and if you’re not careful it can lead to a lot of hurt and possibly the end of the friendship. But come on, the reason the two of you have remained friends so long in the first place is good open communication. So talk it out ahead of time. Talk it out afterward. Talk it out during. You’re friends for crying out loud. Now is not the time to stop telling each other everything!

MARRIAGE

There are any number of psychologists, anthropologists and biologists who could give far more academic explanations for why waiting for marriage is neither wise nor historically common for our species. But when the Big Man says, “DO IT!” (or “DON’T” in this case), all those stats, studies and peer reviewed papers don’t mean much. So assuming you’re part of the statistical minority who will actually make good on their purity pledge, let me caution  you to please not put too much weight in this single moment.

It’s hard enough for most people’s first time to live up to over twenty years of anticipation. But when you add in the Lord Almighty, not to mention your mom, dad and every single one of your youth group friends who know exactly what’s about to go on in that honeymoon suite, to call this a high pressure situation is like calling crucifixion a light stabbing. Biggest piece of advice I have for you is this: RELAX. Clearly you intend on spending the rest of your life with this person. That means you’ve got all the time in the world beyond this one night to get it just right.

Follow Brian on Twitter @BrianHodges

        

Plus: Meet cute girls in the knitting club
Minus: Girls in the knitting club might think you are a bit girly for wanting to knit

College isn’t just about the booze and booty, you know. Other than that minor annoyance called CLASS and occasionally having to go, after college, you are actually expected to do some fairly scary things. Like, GET A JOB and not live in your parents’ basement until you’re 30 – which, by the way, is in NO WAY sexually appealing. Just so you know. And now, as if the pressure of bitter professors and vile TA’s wasn’t enough, potential employers are looking for well-rounded individuals who aren’t just 4.0’s in suits but for people with personality and interests that represent team player-itude. Translation? Extracurricular activities. Here’s a guide to some common types, the benefits and potential pitfalls hidden within each.

Social or Interest-related clubs and organizations*

The good: Having a group of people with whom you share a common interest outside of your major to turn to has kept many frazzled college students afloat. It will show that you aren’t just a rat in the maze of class rankings and that you are committed to your own interests and passions.
The bad: People tend to want to re-invent themselves as something else when they get to college, leading them to get a little outré with their club choices. Some advice: If you know nothing about pillow fighting, don’t join the FPFA (Future Pillow-Fighters of America)

Intramural sports

The good: These are a perfect opportunity for the casual to mildly-committed athlete to make friends and play a sport with others who enjoy the game, but who aren’t necessarily good enough to embarrass you. Also, it’s an excellent way to keep off the Freshman 15 – which is quite the misnomer, since it is in no way limited to freshman.
The bad: Remember that uber-competitive asshat from high school gym class who flipped out on you when you whiffed on a 3-2 count in softball? Yeah, he found his way into your intramural. But if you all suck collectively, he will eventually quit in frustration and disgust.

Major-related and pre-professional organizations

The good: It is irritatingly true that it isn’t what you know, it’s who you know. These clubs and honor societies are great places for networking with successful professionals in your desired field who can open doors for you later.
The bad: These clubs can be a breeding ground for those resume-packing type-A bastards. If you are yourself a resume-packing type-A bastard, then no worries.

*I have avoided mentioning fraternities and sororities here because it is more than just a club; it is an entire lifestyle choice and deserves its own dedicated column.  Do yourself a favor, put down the Guitar Hero or the beer pong ball and go join a club. You’ll meet people other than your stinky roommate who used to watch porn until 3am. Bonus: you’ll have yet another excuse to procrastinate studying!

        

If a 1,000 painters worked for a 1,000 years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!

Smoking is hazardous to your health… and baby, you’re killing me!

There isn’t a word in the dictionary for how good you look.

Most people like to watch the Olympics because they only happen once every four years, but I’d rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime.

        

You’ve heard the stories. You’ve seen the reality. You don’t want it to happen to you. But you don’t need fad diets or insane workouts to keep those pounds off. Follow these tips and the “Freshman Fifteen” will simply be the ill-advised name you give your college band.

DRINK WATER ALL THE TIME

For perhaps the first time in your life you’re being given the choice of soda at every meal including breakfast. Don’t do it! The cumulative effect of opting for water is huge. Not only are you saving yourself from swallowing pounds and pounds of sugar, but the more water you have in your system, the more calories and fat you’re going to burn in general. And don’t think diet sodas are going to save you either. There is plenty of research demonstrating artificial sweeteners can actually make your body crave more sweets and calories. So make the water pledge now and it will not only save you 15 pounds this year, but a bunch more over the course of your life.

WALK WALK WALK

The extra ten minutes it takes you to walk across campus as opposed to driving is, again, cumulative, which is what you want when you’re trying to keep weight off. But while leisurely strolls are nice for first dates, it’s not really doing anything for your waistline. So put an extra kick in your step as you make your way across the quad. It will raise your heartbeat slightly, putting you into that all-important fat burn zone. While you’re at it, take the stairs anyplace where it isn’t ridiculous to do so. Walking the fifteen flights up to your room in a building where the stairwells are alarmed isn’t necessary. But bypassing the elevator on your way to the second floor Chem Lab every day is certainly within your capabilities and something your glutes will thank you for.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF FRUIT

Hey I get it. The thought of eating a salad every day just doesn’t appeal to you. That’s fine. But don’t ignore that other member of the fruit and vegetable family: the fruit. Fact is you can eat about as much fruit as you want and never gain a pound. What’s more, all that fiber keeps your pooping hydraulics loose and flowing (yummy, no?), which allows you to process and get rid of more fat and calories as well. Try to make a habit of eating a piece of fruit before any meal. Not only will it give you a hearty boost of vitamins, but you’ll actually feel fuller faster and have less of a craving for that third slice of pizza.

SAVE ALCOHOL FOR GETTING DRUNK

I know this one sounds like a no-brainer, but there are plenty of people who drink simply to drink. Maybe they’re just hanging out or watching the game, but over the course of the evening they drink two or three beers without ever getting past a very gentle buzz. Do that several times a week and, just like soda, it adds up. Booze is about the emptiest calorie you can put into your body, so why not save it for what booze does best?
That term “binge drinking” always sounds really bad, but only because of how many dumbasses binge to the point of alcohol poisoning. If you simply keep your binges within the bounds of what your body can actually handle, not only will you enjoy your buzz, but you’ll be saving calorie upon
calorie every other night of the week.

MAKE SEX WORK FOR YOU

We all joke that sex is a great workout, but like anything else, it’s really not exercise if you’re just laying there. So do yourself (and your partner) a favor. Get on top and start targeting some zones. Ladies, you’ve got a built-in leg and ass machine up there. Make use of it. Guys, really tighten those abs as you tilt your pelvis. Not only will it help you hit that magical spot way in the back, but you’ll be doing a complete core circuit in the process. For extra fat burning, lift her up and hold her up in what will fast become a full-body cardiovascular workout. And women, haven’t you heard that clenching hard will help bring about that orgasm you so cravenly seek while simultaneously toning you up? So flex those abs, tighten that ass, and work up a sweatin there for crying out loud!

Follow Brian on Twitter @BrianHodges

        

If it were up to us guys, you women would be strutting around 24/7 in some combination of high heels, fishnets and the tightest, most cleavage-baring top we could find. Actually, that’s a bit misleading. If it were up to us, you’d probably just be naked all day long. But when it comes to wardrobe, outwardly sexy clothes aren’t the only things that catch our eye. Sometimes the most simple, comfortable or utilitarian fashion choices have the unintentional side-effect of being rather sexy. So, when you’ve grown tired of sucking it in and hooching it up for slobbering dopes like us, give these more subtly sexy styles a try.

FLIP FLOPS

You like them because they keep your feet cool, are easy to slip on and off and don’t crush your toes into a mangled clump. We like them because they draw attention to a sexy-but-underappreciated part of your anatomy.
Why They’re Sexy: A guy doesn’t need a full-blown foot fetish to appreciate the look of dainty feet with sparkly pink nail polish. You’re just lounging around feeling calm, cool and comfortable. We, on the other hand, are checking out that pedicure and seriously wondering if we could turn a foot massage into something more.
Where They Can Fail:
Don’t go showing off anything you haven’t taken care of. Chips in the nail polish we’ll overlook, but if there’s a toe fungus situation, you’re better off in tennis shoes.

GLASSES

You put them on begrudgingly – and swear you’re getting laser eye surgery – whenever your contacts get annoying. You have no idea that, despite what high-school movies might have you think, those glasses are pretty damn hot.
Why They’re Sexy: Lisa Loeb started it in the mid-90s. Tina Fey brought it mainstream.  Then Sarah Palin used her specs to turn on an entire voting
base. It’s a cliché, but glasses indicate intelligence, and smart, good-looking women are always sexier than hot doorknobs.
Where They Can Fail: Glasses work best on women who are already put together, fashionably speaking. But while they can provide a sexy accent to that little red dress, beware… the four-eyed look will only make frumpy sweats look frumpier.

MAN’S SHIRT

It could be the bulky Detroit Red Wings jersey you stole from your dad or the oversized button-down you stole from your ex. You like it because it’s big and cozy. But you have no idea how freakin’ sexy that jumbo shirt makes you look.
Why It’s Sexy: Far from making you frumpy, a man’s shirt makes us picture you wearing one of our shirts… with the obvious implication that you’d gotten undressed in our apartment beforehand. Worn with a pair of shorts or panties, it gives the added illusion that you’re naked from the waist down. We always appreciate that…
Where It Can Fail: Overuse can backfire by making us forget that you actually have curves underneath all that fabric.

WORKOUT PANTS

You can wear them to the gym, to bed, to that early morning class… pretty much anywhere since they’re so loose and comfortable. We don’t mind because, honestly, they kinda turn us on.
Why They’re Sexy: Sweatpants engineering has come a long way in the last decade, with fabric that is non-constricting yet clings to your curves in just the right way. You look playful, you look sporty and we can’t help but think: if she looks that good in sweats, how amazing must she look all dolled up?!?!
Where They Can Fail: Unlike jeans, that soft, thin fabric tends to magnify the flaws of a big lumpy backside.

CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORM

No list of unintentionally sexy clothing would be complete without this one. Few things make us want to break a vow of chastity quite like your choice of Catholic attire… even if the only choice you had in the matter was “blazer on or off.”
Why It’s Sexy: It’s the Madonna complex come to life… with knee socks. Sister Mary Frances, don’t forget the knee socks!
Where It Can Fail: This one is hard to pull off without looking like you’re trying too hard. But good Lord, save that jumper and wooden ruler for Halloween!