56-Game Hitting Streak (MLB)

Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio’s iconic record of 56 straight games with a hit is, perhaps, the most revered record in all of sports. No player has ever come within 20% of the feat. Pete Rose reached 44 in 1978 before putting up an 0-fer one night. To this day, no one else has even gotten within 10 of Joe D’s record.

1406 Stolen Bases (MLB)

Most thieves get punished… Rickey Henderson gets his name in the Hall of Fame. Having stolen more bases in some seasons than others have in their entire career,
Rickey set the bar so high for base swipers, we’ll be lucky to see someone get within
a few hundred of the record.

300+ Interceptions (NFL)

Brett Favre owns nearly every major passing record, including most passing TDs, most yards and, um, most interceptions. With over 300 picks in the first 18 seasons of his career, Favre the Gunslinger has separated himself so far from the pack that the likelihood of anyone catching him is remote. Consider this: a player could throw 15 INTs for 20 straight seasons and not catch Brett’s record.

Once upon a time, in a place long, long ago – otherwise known as the 1980s – men proudly adorned their faces with porn ‘staches, grizzly beards and a fleet of other facial artistry.

Since then, the baby face look has taken off, forcing handsomely hair-strapped faces everywhere to be trimmed, shaved, clipped and controlled by the powers that be (read: women withholding sexual favors). Everywhere, that is, except for the annual World Beard and Mustache Championships held in Anchorage, Alaska. Check out what transpired at this year’s glorious event. The Planter’s peanut mascot would be proud…

Full Beard Freestyle and Mustache Champions

David Traver, along with the help of his stylist (yes, this competition is that serious), shaped his beard to look like a snowshoe. Keith Haubrich, on the other hand, got the competition cooking with his kitchen utensil-inspired ‘stache that really – pardon the lameness – took the cake.

Full Beard Natural Champion

25-year-old American Jack Passion took home the gold for his shiny, neatly flowing whiskers that look eerily similar to Daniel Day-Lewis’ ‘stache in There Will Be Blood. Interestingly enough, that’s exactly what the Germans were thinking when this Yank ended their long-tenured reign in this category. In related news, the Frank Zappa estate will surely be suing Mr. Passion for likeness rights.

Sideburn and Muttonchops Champion

Toot Joslin, from Tahoe City, CA, took home first place for his fuzzy-faced sideburns that spanned from ear to ear. Adorned with a feathered explorer’s hat and garb, Joslin narrowly edged out Bruno Panza of Italy and Bill Mitchell of Georgia. Joslin then inadvertently set himself
on fire after lighting a celebratory cigar.

Three Generations of ‘Staches

The van den Bremt family proudly sent three generations of men to the competition in full facial attire and full costume. Donning several hilarious outfits, the van den Bremts paraded around the WBMC in musketeer, Krishna and old Western garb. No word yet on the van den Bremt women’s facial features, although you could easily assume their tresses are trimmed elsewhere… in the lederhosen region.

You always blame your girlfriend when you both suddenly develop lip and/or genital sores. And most of all, by any means necessary, you never let your significant other find out about your secret love affair with football.

Well, rules are meant to be broken. And it’s only fair that my girlfriend of over five years knows that she’s been sharing my heart with someone – or should I say something – else. Lauren, meet football. Football, this is Lauren. I’ve been seeing you both for quite some time now and I can’t go on with this dark cloud of secrecy any longer.

Lauren, every Saturday when you think I’m off working with underprivileged kids, I’m really chugging watered-down beer and scarfing brats as I stumble my way into the stadium for college football. You know that obnoxiously drunk guy with the full-body paint that you laughed at on TV? Yeah… that was me. I had the underprivileged kids apply the paint. Don’t worry… I paid them a nickel each.

Oh, by the way, I’m not just seeing one team. I’ve got a pro squad, too.

Lauren, meet the New York Jets. Every Sunday, when I tell you I’m giving speeches on astrophysics, I’m really at the bar working on my remedial spelling as I scream J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS. Yes, the same bar I tried to take you to for our anniversary. When you get past the 20 plasma TVs and 30 fat guys belching every 10 seconds, it’s really a romantic setting. Trust me.

Now let me put this out there, honey. I feel awful for lying to you. But, come on! I can barely pronounce astrophysics, let alone tell you what it’s about. You’d have to be as dimwitted as Sarah Palin to think I was anywhere but the bar. I mean, it’s not like I don’t walk in every Sunday afternoon reeking of beer and hot wing sauce, with pieces of cheese fries checkered throughout my teeth.

And football, let me say I’m sorry for not introducing you to Lauren earlier. She’s not your biggest fan, but it’s not like she’d go all Naomi Campbell on your ass.

That brings me to my final thought. I’m a mere mortal man, which means I have one goal and one goal only – to have a threesome. So, Laur, football… whaddya say? Can we make this happen? I’ll gladly sit on the sidelines and just watch, if that’s what it takes…

To me, basketball has always been football on a much smaller scale – athletes, balls, famous coaches and hot cheerleaders were involved, but basketball had less players and some weird rules. At least this was what I always thought…until my college team went all the way, and I decided I really should understand the drunken words I was yelling at the T.V.

I mean, seriously, how was I supposed to know what “boxing out” and “charging” meant without someone telling me*? I could understand the fanaticism surrounding football, but basketball was a mystery. Well no longer, the key (ha-ha that’s an actual basketball term – see sidebar) to understanding this bizarre sport was finally mine… and now yours. Here are a few things the rest of you girls should know to make sure you’re on the up-and-up this season.

The History Of Basketball At A Glance

The game of basketball was invented in 1891 by a Canadian – yea, seriously, a Canadian. Initially, players would dribble a soccer ball up and down a court of unspecified dimensions. Points were earned by landing the ball in a peach basket, which was essentially just a picnic basket.

Players weren’t paid to play basketball until 1896, and the standard five-men team came soon after. The NBA’s first game was held in November of 1946 in Toronto, Canada. Once the three-point shot was used in 1980 by Western Carolina’s Ronnie Carr, basketball as we know it really began, and the underwear god that is Michael Jordan emerged! Booya!

Common Basketball Terms:

1. Center Circle

The circular area at midcourt from which jump balls are taken.

2. Jump Ball

Two opposing players jump for a ball (try not to bump heads here) that an official tosses above and between them. It is used to gain possession, to start the game (tip-off), during all overtime periods and sometimes to re-start a play.

3. Free Throw

An unguarded shot taken from the foul line by a player whose opponent committed a personal or technical foul; it is worth 1 point, although after the hits some of these guys take, I think it should be at least 3 points!

4. Inside shooting

Shots taken by a player near or under the basket.

5. Key

The area at each end of the court, consisting of the foul circle, foul lane and free-throw line; named for the shape it had years ago.

6. 3-Point Shot

A field goal worth 3 points, because the shooter had both feet on the floor behind the 3-point line when he released the ball; also counts if one foot is behind the line while the other is in the air.

And now, what you’ve all been waiting for: How To Dunk

1. Practice your jumping skills. Even if you’re 6’5, if you can’t jump – a slam dunk ain’t gonna happen, which means no victory dance for you.

2. Practice your dribbling skills; just make sure you don’t drool.

3. Dribble to the basket with speed.

4. Stop when you’re 11 feet from the basket. (No, you don’t have to count; just eyeball it.)

5. Take two steps forward, like the old Paula Abdul song says to. Just don’t take two steps back.

6. Grab the ball firmly in both hands.

7. Push up after your second step, soaring as high as you can through the air.

8. Scream at the top of your lungs, “I’m flying!” “I’m flying!”

9. Bring the ball back behind your head.

10. Slam the ball through the basket.

11. Grab onto the basket, and hang from it as if you are a superstar.

12. Raise the roof, and celebrate your dunk with a glory dance.

Submitted By Jeff Wendel - University Of Florida

October means pennant races are in full swing. With teams now battling for playoff positions, we at CT thought we’d celebrate some of baseball’s more memorable postseason moments.

1932

While many view modern athletes as arrogant, Babe Ruth may have actually invented athletic bravado. Baseball had never seen anything like Ruth. He shattered nearly every record the sport had ever known. In the third game of the ’32 World Series, Ruth allegedly “called his shot” by pointing to the center field bleachers. He slugged the very next pitch clean over the center field fence. Decades later, batters are still emulating that moment at the plate.

1951

Back when the Giants and Dodgers were still in New York, Bobby Thomson hit a Ralph Branca pitch over the Polo Grounds’ fences to give the Giants the National League pennant. Referred to as “The Shot Hit ‘Round The World,” Thomson’s home run propelled the Giants into the ’51 Series, which they would eventually lose to the Yankees.

1954

With men on first and second, a deep Vic Wertz fly ball looked to give the Indians the lead. That was until Willie Mays made a jaw-dropping, over-the-shoulder catch that quelled the run, giving the Giants the momentum they would need to sweep the Indians and cement Mays’ place in history.

1956

In 1956, Don Larsen established a feat that has yet to be duplicated. During the fifth game against the Brooklyn Dodgers, Larsen pitched a perfect game, retiring all 27 Dodgers on less than 100 pitches. The Yankees won the Series in seven games.

1960

Pittsburgh Pirate Bill Mazeroski hit the only game seven walk-off home run in World Series history. Although primarily known throughout his career as an outstanding defensive infielder, it is this one hit for which Mazeroski is most famous.

1975

In the 12th inning of game six, Carlton Fisk hit one of the most memorable home runs in postseason history. Fisk’s blast off Reds reliever Pat Darcy bounced off the foul pole, thanks to a little body English from Fisk, to force a decisive game seven, which the Sox would eventually lose.

1977

To the echoes of over 50,000 rabid Yankee fans, Reggie Jackson earned his nickname – “Mr. October” – by hammering three home runs in a single game to give the Yankees another World Series victory.

1986

As if Red Sox fans hadn’t suffered enough already, Bill Buckner’s game six gaffe was another image ingrained in baseball history. With a two out, two run, one game lead against the Mets, Boston seemed poised to finally exorcise the Curse of the Bambino. That was until Mookie Wilson’s grounder dribbled between Buckner’s legs, giving the Mets the victory and a chance to play game seven, and clench th series.

1988

In a late-game pinch-hit situation, Tommy Lasorda inserted a gimpy Kirk Gibson into the lineup to face the untouchable Dennis Eckersley. With two outs in the ninth, Gibson mashed a 3-2 slider over the right field fence. As announcer Jack Buck shouted “I don’t believe what I just saw,” Gibson limped around the bases, pumping his fists. The Dodgers won that Series in five games.

1991

In ’91, the Atlanta Braves and Minnesota Twins played one of the most competitive World Series ever. Five of the seven games were decided by only one run. In a series where Kirby Puckett etched his name into Minnesota sports lore, it was Jack Morris who pitched a 10-inning shutout in game seven to defeat Atlanta and end a World Series for the ages.

1993

In game six, Joe Carter took a Mitch Williams pitch deep over the left field wall, giving the Toronto Blue Jays their second consecutive World Series title. Williams, one of baseball’s most dominant relievers, would never be the same after giving up that homer.

2004

In 2004, after 86 years of suffering, Red Sox fans finally got their just due. Often considered the greatest choke in sports history, the Yankees coughed up a 3-0 series lead to give the Red Sox the American League pennant. Boston then swept the Cardinals to win their first World Series title since 1918.

We’ve all been there.

If you’re a college football fan and you bleed your school’s colors, you’ve experienced it. You’ve painted your face. You’ve worn your lucky shirt, shorts and undergarments on game day. Your superstitions have become routine. You’ve tailgated from daybreak to sundown and beyond. You’ve eaten and drank excessively in celebration. Your allegiance is unquestioned and unparalleled. You’ve celebrated the thrill of victory so passionately, it was as if you were actually on the field in uniform.

…And then it happens, most times when you least expect it. Everything is going great and then suddenly… your team loses. What? How could this be? How could they do this? Gloom sets in. It overwhelms you. Your day, your week, perhaps even your entire season is ruined.

You’ve given so much of your time and dedication, only to be let down like the time that way-too-hot-for-you girl never called you back after you bought her flowers and a steak dinner. You even splurged for the tiramisu and opened her car door! How could they do this after all you’ve been through together?

It doesn’t make any sense. You’ve waited all week for Saturday to roll around and this is how they reward you? You swear to yourself you’ll never get so emotionally involved about a game again, but you know you’re just lying. Resistance is most definitely futile.

No matter who you root for, you’ve experienced this heartbreaking defeat. It’s inevitable. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It always hurts. And the better your team is, the more painful the losses tend to be. Nobody’s perfect and everyone has a bad day.

Unexpected, gut-wrenching losses are unfortunately part of college football. They’re what make the sport so captivating. Even the best of the best drop like flies in the emotional marathon we call the college football season. In every contest, one team must always lose. And sometimes… it’s yours.

In no other sport is a loss so crucial, so debilitating to a team’s season. A college basketball team can lose several games and still make it to the Big Dance in March. Even the best teams in baseball history have lost 50 or 60 games in a season. In the NFL, it is not unheard of for a team to go 8-8 and still make the playoffs. But the college football season is so short, every win is vital and every loss disheartening. Each autumn, every program starts off their season with the hopes of something special. Unfortunately, there can only be one champion. One bad day in this sport is equivalent to weeks worth of screw-ups on the job. Translation: you’re finished!

Truth be told, there is no cure for your affliction. Avoiding watching your team’s games is definitely not an option. We are forced to grin and bear each heartbreaking loss with the hopes that next Saturday we will once again be victorious. Maybe next time the lucky underwear and foam finger will do the trick.

So go ahead and cherish the rollercoaster ride that is the college football season. Threaten to break your TV when your kicker misses a last-second field goal. Toss your chips and dip in disgust when your defense fails to secure a late lead. Or you could always choose not to get so emotionally involved.

Who am I kidding? It’s college football, after all!

Submitted By: Rachel Wilson - University of Florida

1. You will get pregnant if you put your underwear in the same drawer as Tim Tebow’s. Guys included.

2. Tim Tebow is actually right-handed but has to throw left-handed so he doesn’t hurt the wide receivers.

3. When it rains Tim Tebow doesn’t get wet, the rain gets Tebowed.

4. Tim Tebow wears a helmet when riding his scooter so he doesn’t hurt the road with his head if he wrecks.

5. Tim Tebow doesn’t sleep. He waits.

6. Tim Tebow can walk on water, eat bullets and poop ice cream.

7. Tim Tebow didn’t win a Heisman, The Heisman won a Tim Tebow.

8. The last thing that goes through another player’s mind before Tim Tebow hits them is his helmet.

9. The Florida vs. Georgia game is played in Jacksonville because that’s where Tim Tebow lives.

10. Tim Tebow wears pads to protect the opposing teams’ middle linebackers.

11. Tim Tebow’s sweat is the main ingredient in Hydroxycut.

12. Writing “The Promise” speech in the writing portion of the FCAT gives you a perfect score.

13. Tim Tebow is allowed to feed the alligators in Lake Alice.

14. Napoleon Dynamite’s Uncle Rico learned to throw a football over them mountains from Tim Tebow.

15. Tim Tebow drinks Red Bull to wind down after a game.

#1 Florida Gators

09.05.09 from Gator Nation on Vimeo.

#2 Texas Longhorns

The 2008 Texas Longhorns from Liang Xia on Vimeo.

#3 Oklahoma Sooners

#4 USC Trojans

Hey Joe from TrojanWire dot Com on Vimeo.

#5 Alabama Crimson Tide

Since the dawn of about, oh, 20 years ago, men everywhere have joined forces once a year for a ritualistic meeting that results in plenty of beer, wings and lame jokes. Better known as Fantasy Football Season, this union provides sports addicts everywhere the opportunity to tap into their inner-GM by forming their very own roster of gridiron greats and pitting their collection against their friends, co-workers and strangers, alike.

Simultaneously, girlfriends of fantasy football geeks everywhere are forced to idly sit by for the better part of four months while their significant others willingly trade sex for stats. So, for those girlfriends out there who have had enough of their man’s childhood fixation, we’ve come up with some valuable advice to help you make it through the season without castrating your boy toy.

Spree For All

If your man zones out on Sundays after the games, take his credit card and run to the mall for your own fantasy shopping spree. If he’s in a league where he gets paid out for weekly success, tell him you were so confident in his ability to draft a winning team, you were just celebrating his impending victory by buying yourself something nice.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

The last thing your man wants to hear is who was on Oprah this week. Likewise, the last thing you want to hear is how many points Adrian Peterson earned him in week five. Make sure he understands there is a time and a place for such talk – when you’re already passed out in bed.

Party On, Wayne! Party On, Garth!

When your man gathers with his friends to endlessly argue whether Peyton or Eli offers greater value, get your girls together for a lingerie party. Remind him that he’s not invited. It’ll distract him from his football by wondering what you and your 12 hottest friends could possibly be doing with lace, lotion and a handful of batteries. Now, tell me which fantasy he’d rather be involved in.

Whistle While He Works

Careful with this technique, ladies, for it could send your man into a jealous frenzy. If he drafted Tom Brady or Reggie Bush, sit there with him as he’s checking their stats and tell him how cute the players look. Better yet, tell him that Brett Favre has that “George Clooney old-but-rugged sexiness” to him. That’ll boil his blood like the time you taped over his Super Bowl DVD with a Felicity marathon.

Walk Around Naked

If this tried and true technique doesn’t distract your man away from his fantasy team, then it’s time to find a new man… or time to send him to the nearest gay bar. Yes, ladies, football is important to us, but not nearly as important as booty. If skimpy lingerie isn’t more titillating than a 40-point fantasy week from your backup wide receiver, it might be time to check your man into fantasy football rehab.

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

Plenty of women have now joined fantasy football leagues across the nation. However, if you’re not a football fan, grab some friends and create a fantasy league of your own. Base it on Dancing with the Stars, Desperate Housewives or Sex and the City reruns. Host a draft party and invite your friends over for wine and cheese. You can allot league points for how many times the housewives bag a lawn boy, neighbor or someone else’s husband. Or better yet, join his fantasy league and beat the tar out of him… then talk smack about his inferior sports knowledge in front of all his closest friends.