GoGirl is a female urination device (FUD) that allows Dee Dee to pee standing upright. Call it womo Erectus in the evolutionary process.

Understandably, girls are pissed at the prospect of having to hover over a stank-nasty stall at some low-grade bar or restaurant. And don’t get them started on actually touching their tushes to the seat… even if they layer it with more TP than your professor’s house on Halloween. But peeing upright? Really?

How To Use GoGirl

Drop your panties, press the GoGirl firmly around your pelvis, aim and fire! (No, really, it’s that simple. At least it is for guys…)

The Perks

GoGirl is pocket-sized and portable, and it’s not even remotely disgusting that you’ll be carrying around a used catheter when you go out to eat or party for the night. But, hey, no more squatting ever again!

The Details

GoGirl is made from medical-grade, flexible silicon. It’s disposable but also cleanable and reusable (see above for grossness details). GoGirl has patented splash-guard to eliminate spilling or messes of any kind. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come with free psychiatric sessions to ease the transition from womanhood to manhood…

Have you ever opened a bottle of Cuervo or Captain and wondered to yourself what it would be like to have your own liquor named after you? If you’re like us, these types of thoughts take up roughly 85% of your brain capacity on a regular basis.

And while you’ll probably never know what it’s like to have your own whiskey label, at least you can hear stories of the great men who took your dream and made it their reality… then offered their alcoholic services as consolation for your sad, pitiful existence. Oh, sweet irony.

Captain Morgan

Before ripping through underclassmen’s wallets and livers, Captain Morgan was famous for ripping through people’s land, looting and ravaging as he pleased. As a feared privateer and Welsh pirate, the Captain partook in countless illegal adventures, like plundering the Cuban coast, capturing Spanish travelers and holding for ransom the entire city of Portobelo, Panama. Rather than face imprisonment or death for his many crimes, Captain Morgan was knighted and became the lieutenant governor of Jamaica. It’s a shame such a manly man received such a girly drink in his honor…

Jose Cuervo

Tequila might make for a more interesting night than spiced rum, but Jose Cuervo’s story is vanilla compared to Captain Morgan’s hot fudge sundae. After receiving a land grant in 1758, Jose Antonio de Cuervo started an agave farm in Jalisco, Mexico. Using the agave to make the popular Mexican liquor Mescal, the Cuervo family turned a quick profit. Soon thereafter, the family was given the first-ever license to legally make and distribute bottled tequila. And college girls have been taking their tops off in gratitude ever since…

Jack Daniels

By his mid-teens, Jasper Newton “Jack” Daniels was an accomplished distiller of whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee. That’s right. While you were stuck in calculus class at age 18, Jack Daniels was brewing his own hooch and making millions off of it. But JD’s love for distilling was matched equally by his temper, which often got him in trouble. One day, after arriving at work early, Daniels couldn’t open his safe, so he decided to open it with his foot. One ferocious kick to the strongbox later and the pioneer of Tennessee whiskey had an injured toe that eventually got infected and led to his death by blood poisoning.

Tanqueray

Charles Tanqueray came from three generations of clergymen. So, what did the heir to the cloth do with his life instead? He made and sold alcohol, of course! Amen. Tanqueray began distilling gin in 1830 and distributing it to colonies throughout the British Empire in 1847. Among his most loyal consumers were plantation owners. Apparently they enjoyed the cool, refreshing taste of gin as they worked tirelessly in the sun, bossing slaves around all day.

Jim Beam

When you think of bourbon, you think of Jim Beam – or Colonel James Beauregard Beam, as he was affectionately known by the people he killed in war. But unbeknownst to many, Jim Beam bourbon was originally called Old Tub until after Prohibition ended. See, Old Tub had been distilled and distributed from 1788 until the government shut down distilleries across America.
In 1933, when Prohibition was repealed, Jimmy Beam reopened shop under the name Old Tub, but also offered a special blend of bourbon with his name on the bottle instead. The rest is history…

When I was younger I used to view hangovers as punishment, hence the reason that I used to make bargains with the Almighty that if he would just make me feel better I would never drink again. If I had a dollar for every time I tried that route I could probably put a stripper through at least one semester of college.

As I got older and wiser I knew that after a hard night of drinking that began with a bottle Jack Daniels and ended with Jose Cuervo, I would be met not with punishment, but rather a challenge. I knew I was going to feel like a big bag of shit. The only question was for how long and how big of a bag. How do I get rid of the infamous hangover?

Over the years I’ve tried just about every technique, snake oil and just plain retarded idea you can imagine to not only get rid of, but prevent a hangover. So today I’ve decided to share some of the best and worst hangover remedies I’ve come across through the years. Read that last sentence again very carefully. I’m only going to talk about hangover remedies that I have personally tried. I know some ass hat is going to come up with some crazy shit in the comments section like “You didn’t talk about drinking the pee of a lactating Alpaca while sticking a carrot up your ass.” I know I didn’t. Because I’ve never tried that. I don’t have any carrots. Or “The only thing that gets rid of a hangover is time.” Yes, this is true. But letting something run its course isn’t curing it. How about next time you get cancer you just give it some time. Tell me how that works out.

So lets get on with the show.

What is a hangover? Put simply it is you being really dehydrated and depleted of vitamins and minerals. It takes tons of water to filter alcohol out of your body after a night of drinking Boone’s Farm from the bottle. So the best hangover cures are the ones that hydrate your body as quickly as possible while restoring your depleted vitamin and mineral stores. I’m not going to include water in this list because any dumbass knows you should drink as much water as possible when your sick in any way.

64 oz of lemon lime prevention

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That being said this is probably the best hangover cure I know of and is my current go-to move. If you know you’re going to make like a nail tonight and get hammered, be sure to swing by the store and pick up a 64 oz. lemon-lime Gatorade before hand. The trick is to drink the entire bottle before you go to bed. Don’t put it into the fridge either. It’s impossible to drink 64 ounces of 40 degree Gatorade in one sitting. Instead just leave it on the counter, or better yet on your pillow so you don’t stumble into your room and forget to drink it. The high-fructose corn syrup used to sweeten the Gatorade also counteracts the chemical in your brain that tells you your full and will allow you to drink the entire bottle. And why lemon-lime Gatorade? Because if you’re a puker it won’t stain anything.

The Waffle House

This is another prevention one. If you didn’t have enough sense to eat before you went out drinking you should definitely eat before you pass out. No food in the belly means low blood sugar when you wake up that in turn means you go from bad hangover to really bad hangover. And lets face it, it’s much better to have something to throw up rather than dry heave until your asshole hurts. And why the Waffle House? The waffle house is kind of like Las Vegas. They welcome a drunk who has no concept of money or sticking to a budget. I’ve personally dropped more than $50 for food I didn’t eat on more than one occasion.

General Tso’s Chicken

This one is in case you didn’t follow the Waffle House advice. As mentioned before, low blood sugar will magnify a hangover. Genereal Tso’s is like jet fuel to your body. The pork fried rice has enough carbs to kill a horse on Adkins. The chicken itself has tons of protein and sugar which will make you feel like a million bucks. (I have no scientific reason for this. It just does.) And talk about energy! At 1700 calories, the average General Tso’s combo has enough calories to last your anorexic girlfriend a week

Ride that donkey

If you played your cards right last night, there’s a good chance there’s something sleeping next to you that resembles a girl, and she most likely feels like she was run over by the same truck that you were. What you both need is a good ol’ shot of endorphins. The temporary high produced by the endorphins released during sex will be the pick me up you need to get your ass out of bed. Just make sure you wake her up first.

Weed

I can handle the headache. It’s the nausea that kills me with a hangover. In case you don’t know it, Cannabis is prescribed to cancer patients in some states as a cure for nausea. Now I know that if you’re the type of drinker you say you are, chances are you have a friend who’s a pot head. Snag a doobie from him and stick it in a safe place (freezer) for the next time you have one of those nausea hangovers. You can wake up, take a few hits, and then eat your General Tso’s. Be warned: Don’t get too high. Being high and hungover is not fun.

Hair of the dog

This is probably the most well known cure. It’s also the dumbest unless you don’t have anything productive to do the rest of the day. I mean seriously, if you wake up and start drinking again you’re just adding fuel to the fire. Sure you’ll feel better because you’re drunk again. As soon as you stop drinking you’re back to square one again. So avoid this tactic unless you plan on drinking and watching football all day anyway.

The pick me up concoction

I learned this one working the Sunday brunch shift at Applebee’s, so listen up food servers and bartenders. take a coffee cup and fill half full with coffee. Add about 5 packets of sugar and stir. As soon as you’re done stirring go to the soda fountain and fill the cup the rest of the way with coke. You have to drink the entire thing immediately or it will foam all over the place. One of these every hour or so will help you get through the shift without slapping the shit out of the lady who keeps asking for condiments one by one

Go to the gym

Ok. You’re hungover. Why? Because your body is full of toxins. It’s time to evict those dirty little bastards. Make your way to the gym and find an open treadmill. Pick a moderate pace and you’ll start sweating almost instantly. 20 minutes should have you feeling like a champ. Oh, DO NOT FORGET TO BRING A WATER BOTTLE AND DRINK IT WHILE YOU RUN. As funny as it would look, you don’t want to pass out from dehydration on a treadmill.

Take a hot shower

So we’ve established that the key to getting rid of a hangover is to re-hydrate your body. We normally do this by drinking water which is then absorbed by various organs in your body.  It’s a known fact that your body’s largest organ is your skin. The neat thing about skin is that like all your other organs, it will absorb almost anything including water. Especially hot water. Hot water loosens your skin and opens up your pores. Don’t think you absorb a crap load of water when you shower? Make like Mr. Wizard and try this little experiment out: Grab a digital scale and weigh your naked ass before you get in the shower. Take a long hot shower. Get out and completely dry off including your hair. Weigh yourself again. I bet you gained at least 1lb of water. This also works well with a hot tub or swimming pool.

Sushi

If General Tso’s isn’t your cup of tea, try sushi. It’s packed with protein and carbs and has a pretty mellow taste when it’s really cold. I usually buy it the night before and put it in the fridge. Of course there are certain types of sushi that don’t keep well over night and will most likely give you food poisoning on top of your hangover, so be sure to stay away from the exotic stuff. I’ve found the best candidates are the California roll and anything made with shrimp. Skip the Kikoman, wasabi and the ginger and eat it by itself. You’ll feel like a champ in no time.

So there you have it. The 10 best hangover cures I know of. If you know of any good ones I should try then by all means outline them in the comments section. I’ll do my best to try each one and review it in a “user submitted hangover cures” post. Be sure to leave your name and where you’re from so I can attribute them to the right people.

Bar Trick # 1     Olive in brandy snifter.

Ingredients: 1 olive, and 1 brandy snifter.

Objective: Put olive in brandy snifter.

Situation: You can not touch the olive with your body (hands, mouth, etc.).  You can not scoop the olive with the snifter.  You can not roll olive off of bar into snifter.

Solution: With the olive on the bar.  Place the brandy snifter over the olive so that the open end of the snifter is surrounding the olive.  Slowly rotate the brandy snifter around the olive.  The olive will roll around the inside walls of the snifter (centrifugal force).  Once the olive is spinning around the middle of the snifter.  Flip the snifter upright and place on the bar.  Collect your winnings!

Hints: Practice this bar trick before placing any bets.  The olive has a tendency to come out of snifter when flipping upright.  After a little practice, you will be a pro.

Bar Trick # 2     The old “Two quarters trick?”

Ingredients: 2 quarters, and one victim.

Objective: To get a free drink.

Situation: On the bar place two quarters heads up.  Ask your victim, “What do you see.”  The usual answer is, “Two heads!” or “Two quarters.”  Slowly start nodding your head in agreement and with your palm up point to the two quarters and say, “I see two pennies, hey, if I’m wrong will you buy me a drink.” Pressure them for a reply, most people will say, “sure.”  At this point say “I’m wrong.”  Enjoy your Free drink.

Bar Trick # 3     Salt & Pepper

Ingredients: 1 victim, 1 salt packet, 1 pepper packet, and 1 small plastic comb.

Objective: To get a free drink.

Situation: Make a small hill of salt on the bar, about the size of a quarter.  Then sprinkle a small amount of pepper on top of the salt.  Bet your victim one drink that you can get the pepper off, without disturbing the salt.

Solution: Take your plastic comb and comb your hair a few times.  Then hold the comb over the salt & pepper.  The static electricity will suck the pepper off the salt.

Note: This trick will only work when the humidity levels are low.

Bar Trick # 4     Sugar Cubes

Ingredients: 1 victim, 2 sugar cubes, 1 lighter, and 1 ash tray.

Objective: To get a free drink.

Situation: Hand someone a sugar cube and a lighter.  Bet them a drink that they can not light the sugar cube on fire.  They will try to light it on fire by putting the flame under it.  They will get the cube to smoke, char and smolder but it will not catch on fire.

Solution: Rub your sugar cube in an ashtray to get some ashes on it.  Hold the flame to the sugar cube, it should light right up.

Note: Practice this a few times before you start placing bets.

Bar Trick # 5     Ice Cubes

Ingredients: 1 victim, 2 ice cubes, some salt, and 2 pieces of human hair (about 6 to 8 inches long).

Objective: To get a free drink.

Situation: Bet someone they can not pick up an ice cube with one piece of human hair.  The average person will try to twist and tie the hair around the ice cube.  Others will try to just lift it up.  However, they will not be able to get the ice cube off the bar.

Solution: Place the ice cube on the bar, take a strand of human hair and place it across the top of the ice cube.  Then, take a little salt and sprinkle it on top of the hair and ice cube.  The salt will cause the ice cube to re-freeze around the hair.  In a few seconds you will be able to gently lift the ice cube off of the bar.

Note: Practice this a few times before you start placing bets.

Submitted By: Ryan Brown - Duke University

The problem with the English language in general is that not only can words have more than one meaning but a seemingly harmless phrase can get you slapped, thrown in jail and swindled out of all your money. This is never more true than when you’re in a bar. Here’s a list of phrases and their translations when spoken at your local watering hole.

“You get this one, next round is on me.”

— We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”

— Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.”

— You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

“Lets get out of here.”

— I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female)

— I’m easy.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male)

— I’m gay.

“Ever try a body shot?”

— I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)

— You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

“I don’t feel well, lets go home.” (male)

— I’m horny.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already.”

— I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Excuse Me.” (male to male)

— Get the fuck out of the way.

“Excuse Me.” (male to female)

— I am going to grope you now.

“Excuse Me.” (female to male)

— Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

“Excuse Me.” (female to female)

— Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

“That person looks really familiar.”

— Did I sleep with him/her?

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)

— I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (male)

— It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

“I don’t have my ID on me.” (female)

— I’m 19.

“I don’t have my ID on me.” (male)

— I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after

my last visit here.

Bar Trick # 1    The Race!

Ingredients: 3 shots of liquor, and 3 pints of beer.

Objective: Get a free round of drinks.

Situation: Tell your victim that you will drink your 3 pints of beer faster then they can drink their three small shots of liquor.

Players rules: You can not touch the other players glass or shot.

Solution: Start drinking your beer.  Your victim will take their   first shot.  As soon as you finish drinking your first beer.  Place your empty pint over your victims third shot.  Take your time and enjoy your free drinks.   Your victim can not touch your glass, see above rule. You Win!

Bar Trick # 2     The Fifty cent drink.

Ingredients: 1 Victim with a fresh drink, 1 cocktail napkin, 2 quarters.

Objective: To get a cheep drink.

Situation: Take victim’s drink and remove any straws or umbrellas.  Cover victims drink with the cocktail napkin.  Tell your victim, “I bet you fifty cents that without touching the glass or the napkin or any straws etc., I can drink that entire drink.” Push the two quarters towards the victim while betting, point to the glass and the napkin.   Continue to say, “I won’t touch anything!” Bring up the point about possibly putting a straw through the napkin and say again, “I won’t touch anything!”

Solution: When they give up,  slowly take off the napkin and enjoy the drink as you push the fifty cents to the victim.  Be sure to tell the victim they won and give them their fifty cents.  The $4.00 drink, just cost you fifty cents!  Enjoy your cheep drink!

Bar Trick # 3     Smoke on the water

Ingredients: 1 glass, a matchbook, six quarters, and an ashtray with water.

Objective: Get a free drink.

Situation: Bet your friends one drink that you can get the water out of the ashtray using only the ingredients mentioned and without moving or tilting the ashtray.

Solution: Make sure ashtray is filled with at most a quarter inch of water.  Stack the quarters in the center of the ashtray so the top two quarters are above the water.  Place four unlit matches on top of the quarters.   Light the matches and immediately cover the flame and quarters with the glass.   The water will be drawn into the glass.  Collect your bets.

Bar Trick # 4      Blow the Bottle

Ingredients: 1 empty beer bottle, and a small piece of napkin.

Objective: Get a free drink.

Situation: Hold an empty beer bottle horizontally.  (Make sure inside of neck is dry.)  Tear off a small piece of napkin, wad it up into a small ball.  Place the napkin wad just inside the lip of the bottle.  Hold the bottle in front of someone’s face, and bet them a drink that they can not blow the napkin into the bottle.

Solution: Bernoulli principle states that moving air has lower pressure than still air.  Therefore, when your friend blows, the still air in the bottle will push the napkin out of the bottle, right back at the face of the blower.

Note: The harder they blow, the faster the napkin will come out.  If you get a really gullible person, you can have them try again for a chance at another drink.  You should be able to milk them for at least 3 or 4.

Bar Trick # 5     Embarrass your Friends.

Ingredients: 1 bar napkin, and 1 pen/pencil.

Objective: Embarrass your friends and others.

Situation: On a bar napkin write down the following:

I AM WE TODD IT

I AM SOFA KING WE TODD IT

Ask your friends to continue reading out laud until they understand.

Pounding headache? Nausea? Dry mouth? Dizzy? Weak? Trembling? Feeling like you got hit by a train last night? Brace yourselves for “The H word” - hangover.

Part of being young is being stupid, and anyone who tells you that he or she has never gotten drunk is either lying, boring or a Mormon. Hangovers can completely incapacitate you. Forget that 9:30 class you had and that meeting with your teacher – it’s completely out of the question. Getting out of bed just isn’t an option, at least not for another five hours.

So, in times like these, fear no more. We’ve constructed some nifty little hangover tips to help you ease the hangover hell we’ve all experienced. But, if you find that you need our help to cure your hangovers every weekend (no matter how happy all those page views will make us), we insist that you contact Alcoholics Anonymous right away, or just rip out this page and tack it to your wall.

1. Drink Water Before, During, And After

While you enjoy that beverage, your liver, stomach and kidneys are working hard to eradicate what it feels is poison. To clean out toxins related to ethanol, your liver needs water in order to properly process them. If you don’t drink water, your body is forced to rely on H20 resources primarily in your blood and brain, which will leave you hung-over the next day.

Also remember: stay away from the coffee. Like alcoholic drinks, coffee is a diuretic and will cause you to lose water quicker. Although it will help you more if you drink water the night before, you still want to keep drinking as many fluids as you can the next morning. Just make sure to take it easy on the chugging though. Downing glass after glass may cause you to regurgitate whatever you just put into your body, which totally defeats the point. Duh.

2. Eat

Food (especially fatty stuff) will absorb some of that excess alcohol. But, not so fast there, fatsos. Eating a big meal before drinking is not what I am recommending though, sorry. Eating a few hours before you begin to drink will leave you feeling full - not frisky. So lay low on those pre-game munchies. Instead, save them for the morning after. When choosing what entrée goes best with your Midol (you’ll have to read on for that explanation), just make sure to get something in your stomach quick, before you feel too sick to eat and become even more royally screwed.

3. Midol

I do not mean Tylenol, Advil or any other form of pain medication besides MIDOL. The truth is, Midol retains water efficiently, so it therefore makes perfect sense scientifically. Men, do not be embarrassed. Hey, now you know how us girls feel when we have to buy the condoms.

4. Exercise

If you can do it, do it. Sweat will help rid some of those poisons and those thoughts of “Oh, I’m gonna die in bed” will soon be gone. Even just a few breaths of fresh air sometimes helps. (For those of you who count sex as your daily exercise….I mean, why not. And hey, it’s a great way to get the morning lay. Hey, I uh..read in Campus Talk that sex cures hangovers…so you wanna…?)

5. Gatorade

As the world’s greatest rehydrator, this stuff is magic the Morning After. You lost a lot of electrolytes the night before from all the pissing and vomiting you did (mmm yummy), and need a way to replenish your system. In this case, sports drinks like Gatorade are your best friend. Obviously Gatorade is the best, it was invented right here at UF! – Double bonus.

6. Hair of the dog

There is absolutely no proof that this works, but it certainly feels good. Though common wisdom says drink whatever got you plowed, a Bloody Mary seems to be the favorite. After all, it’s got vitamin C . The Bloody Mary is often prescribed, by seasoned drinkers, to cure the common hangover. Try this even if you don’t like tomato juice, since after adding the other ingredients, it no longer tastes like tomato juice. Mix two ounces of vodka, six ounces of tomato juice, four teaspoons of Worcestershire sauce and a couple of drops of Tabasco sauce. Drink the mixture, and lay down for a few minutes. You’ll feel better in no time. Promise.

And finally, Put extras of all the above next to the mattress. Silence your cell phone, unhook your house phone and when you wake up, you will be ready to start your day. Although chances are it will be 4 or 5 in the afternoon, which means you’ll probably want to start your afternoon off with a nice, cold drink. Vodka tonic, anyone?

Sidebar:

What is a hangover?

Other than that annoying thing that prevents you from drinking more, the formal name for a hangover is veisalgia, which comes from the Norwegian word for “uneasiness following debauchery.” The Greeks have a blunter, more serious translation – algia or “pain.”

Common symptoms of a hangover (loosely interpreted) are:

• Sharp pain behind right eye that feels like someone is jabbing your retina with a dull, no. 2 pencil.
• Feeling pretty crappy about the state of your affairs.
• Can’t open eyes or ears for fear of pain.
• Involuntary liquid release from the anus
• Eating – are you kidding me?!
• Quivering madly like a bowl of Jell-o in an earthquake.
• Tired enough to consider peeing in bed a viable option.
• Your heart is playing a mamba, poorly.
• Would drink even the Purple Gatorade.
• Curious as to where you are, but not motivated enough to find out.
• Can’t sleep because of that whole pencil thing.
• Couldn’t lift another beer, because it’s physically impossible.

How did I get this way?

When one downs the PBR to excess the alcohol enters the bloodstream, which causes the pituitary gland in the brain to block the creation of vasopressin (Put down the beer and listen, this is important). Without that vasopress thingy, the kidneys send water directly to the bladder instead of sending it throughout the body. That is why once one opens the urinary floodgates; the “P” flows freely thereafter. So, when one consumes 250 milliliters of an alcoholic beverage, the body will expel anywhere from 800 to 1,000 milliliters of water.

The morning after, your body is screaming for H2O. you have a headache because your body’s organs are stealing water from the brain causing your brain to decrease in size and pull on miscellaneous membranes that connect the brain to the skull – ie pain. Since you’ve been partying and peeing all night, you have lost essential levels of potassium and salts. This would explain why simple functions such as walking and talking become a serious challenge the next morning.

Want a really good hangover?

Drink red wine, bourbon, brandy, whiskey or tequila

Want one that will hurt, but not as bad?

Drink White wine, rum, vodka or