Campus Talk » Best Of Craigslist

Astronauts, Condoms and Doorknobs: The Best Of Craigslist

Frank — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:39:23 +0000

IN A WELL, NEED LADDER

Date: 2009-09-11, 4:13PM EDT

I’m offering a reward for the first person who shows up with at least a 25 foot ladder to the well off of rt. 322 and Sugarsbridge Rd. My friends won’t come because they think i’m joking. I’m definitely NOT… I have water but have not eaten in two days.

Reward is negotiable depending on how quickly you get here. And FYI to the kid that threw rocks down the well at me yesterday evening, I’m going to find you and do terrible thing to you.

Location: phila burbs
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: neg. depends on response time

License Plate BJN7523

Date: 2009-09-11, 11:33PM EDT

Dear Sir or Madam:

Ha ha! You are clever! You regifted your unwanted parking ticket to a neighboring vehicle! Unfortunately, you disregarded two important points. First, I do not drive a silver Buick; second, I do not plan to pay the city $30 on your behalf.

I understand fines double after 10 days and triple after 90 days. Good luck with that.

Cordial Disregards,

the Neighboring Vehicle’s Driver

Location: downtown Grand Rapids
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

condoms and door knobs.

Date: 2009-09-06, 10:46PM CDT

I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc… What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up.

I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know.

Location: marrero
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Behind you in line at DQ - m4w

Date: 2009-09-04, 4:50PM PDT

I was in line at the DQ on 6th getting mother’s usual order of 3 hot dogs and onion rings. I was looking down at my Gameboy, not paying attention to the line when I felt the warm breeze hit my legs. I looked up from my Pokemon battle and there you were. 5′2, about 315 lbs. You had the remnants of your first two DQ orders stuck in your teeth, which were so gnarled, I could see them from the back.

You were polishing off a Dilly Bar when the methane cloud rose to my nostrils, curling my nose hairs. It was an aroma that could only be produced by a goddess. As I felched it, I detected a hit of salmon as well as delicate notes of chili. Subtle overtones of movie theater style butter pop corn were soon overpowered by the second wave, which brought a strong scent and taste of corned beef and cabbage. (Mmmmmmm…)

I could see the gas bubble trying to escape from your neoprene-esque tights, most of which were so far up your crack, I debated momentarily whether they were actually two pairs of pants, each housing one of your delightful cankles. The outline of your swollen, probably irritated pachyderm knuckle made me picture a furry cantaloupe split perfectly down the middle, complete with crateresque dimples. This image only further infuriated my raging erection. I struggled to contain my three inches until I eventually prematurely ejaculated. It might have been embarrassing had I not been wearing pajamas with the feet in them under my value brand khakis.

I know you will probably never read this, as I heard you commenting to the store clerk that you could not read, and proceeded to order by pointing at pictures and grunting. But I had to share my story.

I hope to see you again some day. And if by some chance someone reads this to you, please do not shave, I really liked your mustache.

Location: Grants Pass
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

To the woman who rear ended me then… - m4w

Date: 2009-09-03, 9:37PM EDT

You rear ended my VW with your Honda. You had no insurance, and said you “couldn’t afford this” You asked if we could settle this with sex, then gave me a bj in my backseat in the middle of the day.

I really wish I knew your name! I’ve been thinking about you ever since and I want to fuck you senseless RIGHT NOW

Location: M-59 and Dequindre
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Leduc Walmart Hottie - m4w

Date: 2009-09-03, 7:17PM MDT

You were a delicious BBW with a stained white t-shirt & a half a dozen kids in tow, I was sporting a skullet with a HD jean vest & short cut-offs. You offered me a dart from your fresh deck & I refused as I don’t smoke menthols. I would love to reconsider that offer, and by the way that wasn’t my old lady with me that was my parole officer.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Astronaut Needed

Date: 2009-09-14, 3:43AM MDT

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I’m no longer fit enough to go.

My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material.

While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe
first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here’s your shot at romantic history.

Must be:

-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5′10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

Location: Northern Alberta
Compensation: $25,000 CASH.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Porn Laptop For Sale: The Best Of Craigslist

Frank — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:11:51 +0000

Porn laptop

Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT

I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it’s a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don’t need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I’m pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn’t type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it’s not worth the risk. Great for porn though.

So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

Location: Renton

i need help moving my chickens

Date: 2009-07-26, 11:04PM CDT

I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.

-Matt

Location: Pearland

To the Hot Guy at Priest Lake on the 4th of July - w4m

Date: 2009-07-24, 1:17AM CDT

I have some interesting news. You are going to be a father, twice. I don’t remember your name but I do remember your license plate number. I really hope you see this. You promised me that you would pull out, and clearly you didn’t. You had brown hair and brown eyes, and had a very specific tattoo. My parents have kicked me out of the house, and I’m not making enough working at Waffle House. I was hoping that you could help me out. My car’s not big enough for the three of us. If you are enough of a man to be responsible for your actions, contact me.

Location: Nashville

Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel -m4m- -m4w-

Date: 2009-07-21, 2:25PM PDT

Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel,
I have a proposal.

For several days after you stole my 26″ rear wheel from my mountain bike, you caused me a dilemma. All I could think of were two options.
1) Buy a new rear wheel. This hardly seemed worthwhile because my bike only cost $25 from Goodwill when I got it and a new back wheel/tire will cost two to three times that much.
2) Buy a used wheel from the Ashby Flea market. We all know this is where stolen wheels go to find new homes. (In fact, I have searched here for my wheel to no avail.) While this option is cheap ($10), it would feel like I am benefiting from someone else’s misfortune. (Probably because I would be benefiting from someone else’s misfortune).

But then I had a brilliant idea.

Rather than buying a new wheel or a used wheel stolen from someone else, why don’t you sell me back my own wheel. I can pay you the $10 you would have made and then I can save the time and stress of finding a new wheel. If it makes a difference, I could even pay you in alcohol or whatever drug habit you were trying to feed.

We can even meet on the same corner where you took my wheel and make it feel all natural. You can walk by and say, “Hey buddy, I notice that your bike seems to be missing a rear wheel. Well, it just so happens I have an extra rear wheel right here with me. Would you like it?” And I can say, “You’re right, kind sir. I am missing a rear wheel. That is very nice of you. It just so happens that I have $10 worth of alcohol, that I was going to use drown my sorrow about not having a bicycle wheel. But now that I have a bicycle wheel, I don’t need it. Why don’t you take it? And then we can both feel good about ourselves.

Please let me know if this works for you.

Sincerely
Josh

UPDATE - Thanks for all the nice emails. And especially thanks to Jess who dropped off a replacement rear wheel!!!!!

Location: By Lake Merritt

Coffin

Date: 2009-07-20, 10:59AM CDT

Guaranteed to keep your Goth hide translucent white during these hot and bright summer days, this hand-made coffin is just right for the petit Vampire or Vampette. If you are just under 5 feet tall (or can shape-shift to something smaller) with a 29-inch wing span, you will feel cozy and safe sleeping away the pesky daylight hours with this tasteful but unassuming box tucked away in your lair.

Your minions can keep your chamber mobile with these fine handles made of Transylvanian hemp and the tucked and buttoned red padded lining will have you snoring until sun down. The hand-painted, one-of-a-kind, whimsical take on a Coptic cross is certain not to offend any version of Goth, vamp or even warm-blood who might have the privilege of actually seeing your private chamber.

It’s hard to let this beautiful treasure go, but we’ve just run out of room. And with all of the sensible people around (see True Blood), we just don’t need to be so private anymore.
It can be found and taken for free in the 3400 block of Barranca circle near Mt Bonnell. Better hurry though. It is Big Trash week in our neighborhood.

Location: mt bonnell

Garage Sale Etiquette

Date: 2009-07-20, 10:13AM CDT

Hello buyers and thank you for coming to our garage sale.

I know our newspaper ad and signs say that we open at 7 am, but if you arrive at 6:00, go ahead and ring the doorbell several times and peer into the windows until we answer. We’ll open up early for you.

Feel free to show up with your unleashed dog, and of course, let him poop in the front yard. Our lawn-boy will clean that up later.

For your convenience, we’ve taken the time to mark everything with a price. But go ahead and keep asking, “How much do you want for this?”

In the mood for a cigarette? Come into the garage and light it on up. Grandpa doesn’t mind if you blow the smoke right into his face. He’s only on an oxygen tank. It’s probably good for him anyway. And just leave the butts on the garage floor or flick them into the yard. We’ll take care of those for you too. It’s my mistake for not having an ashtray available.

And I know 25 cents is a fairly steep price. So let’s haggle for 5 minutes about it. I don’t have anything else to do today.

Also, pick up a bunch of items and then tell me what they remind you of. Be sure to tell me about every aspect of your life. Don’t leave anything out. I’d love to hear all about you. And when you put the item back, just throw it in a completely different spot, upside down or just all wadded up.

Your McDonald’s breakfast is going right through you, isn’t it? Of course you can come in and use our bathroom. Be sure to look in the medicine cabinet for any prescription meds you might need. And there’s some spray up in the window in case you drop a deuce. Hope everything comes out ok!

Wow, you want to buy all of our grandmother’s antiques and at our full asking price?! Oh, but you don’t have any cash with you. Well yes, you can certainly write us a check and then drive off with the merchandise! No worries. I’m sure you’re an honest person. Next time, we’ll try to be prepared to accept credit and debit cards.

As you leave, be sure to rev up the engine several times, blast the salsa music and then lay a scratch as you drive away. It’s loud, but oh so cool. Have a great day!

The Campus Talk Halloween Horror Nights Contest

Frank — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 11:00:01 +0000

It’s time for the first big Campus Talk contest of the semester. This time we’ve teamed up with Universal Studios to send a few good coeds to Halloween Horror Nights in Orlando to get the crap scared out of them. The prizes are great and entering the contest is so easy a Freshman could do it.

So what exactly are we giving away? How about 1 Grand Prize package and TEN Second Prize packages!

One Grand Prize winner will win:

Hotel accommodations for 4 people on Oct. 31 in Orlando

Four 1-day/2-park universal Orlando tickets valid for admission to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure theme parks

One Halloween Horror Nights 2009 V.I.P. Tour for 4 people on Oct. 31

One Universal Orlando general parking pass

Ten Second Prize winners will win:

Two Halloween Horror Nights 2009 event tickets valid through Oct. 31, 2009.

Two 1-day/2-park Universal Orlando tickets valid for admission to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure theme parks through July 31, 2010.

One Universal Orlando general parking pass valid through July 31, 2010.

How To Enter:

Entering and winning this contest is probably the easiest thing you’ll ever do in college besides passing out in the parking lot of your apartment complex after tailgating all day. To enter, all you have to do is one of the following:

Follow Campus Talk on Twitter,

Join the Campus Talk Facebook group

And get this! If you do ALL THREE you’ll get THREE ENTRIES into the contest.

How To Win:

We have to have your entry by Oct. 10, 2009. Once we have all the names of the people who have completed at least one of the entry requirements listed above, we’ll randomly pick one person from the pool to win the Grand Prize. We’ll then randomly choose 10 people from the pool to win the 10 second prizes. Winners will be notified via whatever service they entered through.

Official Rules:

The official rules for this contest can be found HERE on our Official Contest Rules page.

Wanted: Brain Surgery Intern - The Best Of Craigslist

Frank — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:00:55 +0000

To the cute girl who just previewed our apartment, i’m sorry. - m4w

Date: 2009-07-17, 8:05PM EDT

Hey!

You just left our apartment with your broker and cute friends. You know, it was the one where the power had just died and you guys were knocking on our decoy door. My roommate and I both proclaimed an infatuation with the lot of you when you left! I have one problem though… you came in, saw my bedroom, the terrible state of our bathrooms, piles of videogames and the fact that I sleep on the floor. Please allow me to rationalize the situation.

The bedroom - Well, I haven’t cleaned in weeks and I’m at the tail end of the laundry cycle. This is usually accompanied by a rather large and unkempt pile of clothes spilling out of the closet onto the floor. This Friday was no exception.

The bathroom - I am sorta glad that the power was still out for that portion of the tour. The flashlight you had certainly did not provide enough light to get a full realization of JUST how much dirt was crusted in the corner behind the door. It just doesn’t get foot traffic, and normally the door it open and it’s hidden from view.

The videogames - Well. I play a lot of videogames. But I do a lot of other things too, I swear!

The Sleeping on the floor - See above, I’m too busy doing other things than to sleep on a “bed”. Pfft. Getting UP in the morning isn’t a challenge when you’re on top of a 4 foot tall pillowtop that requires a fireman’s pole to dismount. It takes gumption to sleep on the floor!

I am glad I deftly planted that Vonnegut book by the overflowing hamper that you casually noticed, as well as that bass guitar. If I had known you were coming, I would have hid the floormattress and pretended that I didn’t live like a hobo, but I am glad you didn’t because apparently you are of the same persuasion!

Anyways, you seemed cool and I feel that it’s totally unfair that you got to root through the kinda things (bathroom, sleeping area, embarrassing hobbies) that usually don’t crop up until the second or third date. That being the case, I think you desperately owe some reciprocation!

Location: Cambridge

I Puked in Your Purse

Date: 2009-07-16, 6:32PM EDT

You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can’t wait to hear from you!!!

Location: Houlihans

Brain Surgery Intern

Date: 2009-07-16, 3:47PM EDT

Need a Brain Surgery Intern ASAP! I have just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctor says that I only have 3 months to live unless I have brain surgery. This is an unpaid operation, but you will receive credit and snacks while you are operating. This is a good way to build up your resume by networking with others who need free surgery. If you do a good job, and I live, this may lead to future PAID surgeries!
If you have your own surgery tools and anesthesia, that is a plus and you move to the front of the line.
Please respond with a link to all of the operations that you have performed, transcripts from the universities that you attended, and a copy of your MCAT scores.
Please only respond if you are SERIOUS. You must be a team player and have your own car.

Location: Atlanta

Beautiful House to Share with Two Girls

Date: 2009-07-08, 7:09AM EDT

Hi everyone,

We have a beautiful 3 Bedroom, 1 1/2 Bathroom located in Back Bay.

About US: We are two girls entering our senior year of Emerson College studying journalism. We are laid back, studious, and very friendly.

Ideal roommate: Somebody laid back, social, and responsible.

P.S. Both of us are bi-sexual and sometimes host dildo parties with our girlfriends. Don’t worry, it is usually about 10 people in one of our bedrooms.

Let us know if you are interested.

Location: Back Bay

I yelled “get the fuck off my bike!!!” - w4m

Date: 2009-06-25, 12:39AM EDT

as you rode away on my best friend. there i was, innocently receiving the sweetest kisses amongst the clover, only to realize it was just the precursor to one of the most heart-wrenching good-byes i have ever had to make. my salmon miele is many things. it is my love, my meditation, my physical well-being, and so fucking sexy. i need it. i need it back more than anything. so please, if you stole my bike to trade it for crack, stop! not only will you take the first step on your road to recovery, you will be making it less difficult for a beautiful, devastated girl to find you and kill you (rightfully so, i might add!) or, shower you with praise for changing your evil, thieving mind. if you stole my bike to mix and match parts with others, stop! i know that the spokes are rusty, i know that the chain is dirty, i know that it APPEARS as though i have neglected it, but i think that my bike is perfect as is. so stop. put your wrench down! give me back my bike. if you stole my bike because you need a way to get around town and your feet are sore, i dont care. you dont deserve it… thief! give me back my bike. i will s yer d. i will show my beautiful breasts. i will do anything! give it back! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Location: just north of bloor on brunswick

Personal Texting Assistant

Date: 2009-06-23, 11:39PM EDT

Looking for a assistant to help in texting duties -

replies
deleting texts
alerting of new texts
reading texts
filtering text

I get 40 - 50 texts an hour, I cant handle my workload plus texting responsibilities. My phone gets too full and needs deleted every couple hours. This is a full time position and you must be where ever I am at, because my phone is always with me. Serious inquiries only.

Location: Baltimore
Compensation: 10.00 hr
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

300 Stuffed Penguins Free To Good Home: The Best Of Craigslist

Frank — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 14:14:36 +0000

Cockroaches.

Date: 2009-06-11, 2:49PM MDT

I found four cockroaches in a box of Triscuit a few months back, I hate to have to get rid of them but I’m moving to a smaller place and won’t really have the room for them any more. All four of them (Mingus, Dinky, Cleopatra, and Prickly Pete) are house trained and need nothing more than some rotting garbage and an occasional scratch behind the antennae. Rehoming fee of $15 each or $50 for all four, as I would like to see them all stay together.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Yard Swing

Date: 2009-06-08, 10:47AM CDT

Real nice yard swing for sell. Real comfrotable. Might have a few dog hairs on it but they will brush right off. Green all-wheather cover beside fence is includedTikee torch not included but will sale for 25.00.

300 Stuffed Penguins Free to Good Home

Date: 2009-06-06, 5:38PM CDT

********PENGUINS STILL AVAILABLE! Thank you for the overwhelming response********

What I’m offering here is about 300 stuffed penguins of various shapes, sizes, and species (predominately Emperor, though–like the kind in March of the Penguins) to a deserving child.

I’m going through a pretty weird time in my life right now–having just gone through a break-up and graduated college and temporarily living in my parents’ house before I move out for good in in the fall, though I remain unemployed because my philosophy degree is at *such* a premium–and sifting through my room (which has become a strange amalgam of my adolescence and burgeoning adulthood), it’s been brought to my attention that I probably won’t “catch a man” or have anyone believe I’m about to turn 23 with 300 penguins and a bunch of purple furniture around, that looking at my current room one might think some sort of 13-year-old with developmental issues is living here. I loved penguins as a child–long before they were trendy and had their own series of CGI movies or the godly voice of Morgan Freeman was involved–and collected them, often putting on penguin weddings and penguin ballet recitals where I made costumes for individual penguins, all of whom had names that I kept track of on my penguin censuses. I could recite all 16 species of penguin in alphabetical order…

…so, yes, I feel justified in saying I want a deserving child. A child that will really, well, love the penguins, and cherish his/her youth with them as it slowly slips away… Or, alternatively, some adult who has a great use for them, like if you are making the next big penguin movie (or play?). Or, if you are opening some new theme restaurant in town and need my penguins for your decor. As long as I’m auctioning off my childhood to the highest bidder, I reserve the right to be a little choosy.

E-mail with your intentions and we will work something out.

Location: NW

Found: empty beer bottles.

Date: 2009-06-04, 3:55PM CDT

Attention! I’ve found a half finished Keystone Light, an empty fifth of Smirnoff vodka, and and one empty Corona with a lemon wedge. They were abandoned in my yard, alone and scared. Right now, they are staying in the empty Bud Light box with a litter of empty Smirnoff Light bottles in my garage. One of them is injured from being run over with a lawn mower, but is being nursed back to health. They are so cute, and all of them are housebroken! I am looking for a good home for these little foundlings, but they are a pack - I won’t have them broken up. If you are a white trash piece of shit who enjoys drunk driving around the neighborhood at 2 am and throwing your shit on everyone’s yard, I think these would make an adorable addition to your trailer park.

Location: Kansas City, MO

Lost: Self Confidence

Date: 2009-06-06, 11:44PM EDT

Lost: Self confidence. Last seen downtown on 4/24 when company downsized, and at the airport on 5/15 when long-distance girlfriend revealed extra-curricular activity with another before departing. Began search on 4/27 looking in Monroeville, Oakland, and downtown but with no success since no one is hiring. Continued search on 5/29 on Carson street but inevitably had no good response to “what do you do?” If found, please email the above address. Reward available.

Location: Pittsburgh

Husband wants a rusty trombone for his birthday

Date: 2009-04-27, 8:03PM EDT

My husband has asked for a rusty trombone for his birthday, which is Wednesday. I’ve scoured the pawn shops and music stores, and I haven’t found one. I am guessing that rusty ones will be cheaper than new ones, and I don’t know what the big deal is, but it’s what he wants and he is very specific about it. I could have bought a dozen new ones at this point, but he says that a rusty trombone is nostalgic for him, so I suppose it will mean more. If you selling (or even giving away) a rusty trombone, please let me know what you have, how much it costs and how I can get it (will you deliver it, or will I have to go to you?). Also, suggestions on how to wrap such a thing? Please help, I am down to the wire on this thing and I don’t like being this late with a gift!!!

Location: Miami ANYWHERE!