How come there aren’t B batteries?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Is a metaphor like a simile?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

If crime doesn’t pay, does that mean that volunteering is a crime?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

College is a unique experience unlike any other phase in your life. But the sensory overload of endless partying and complete autonomy makes it difficult to pick up on the little nuances that make college so special and distinctive. Well, here’s a little help to remind you that, yes, you’re actually in college.

New additions to the food groups contain Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos.

Sleep becomes much more important.

Showers become much less important.

Falling asleep by 2:30 a.m. is an early night.

Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry (”Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…there’s only a little bit of mud on them…”)

Duct tape heals all wounds.

You can never make too many meals in a hot pot.

10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.

Two meals a day are standard…one for some!

When “being yourself” keeps leading you home alone, it’s time to try some of our fail-safe pickup lines. Drop these on some hottie and you’ll be doing the horizontal polka instead of playing pocket pool in no time!

Is that top felt? (no) would you like it to be?

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Girl, you better have a license, because you’re driving me wild!

I hope you know CPR because you just took my breath away.

Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.

If you were the new burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous!

Let’s make like a fabric softener and snuggle.

Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.

Do you have the time? (she gives you the time) No, the time to write down my number?

A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to a Coke machine, puts in a dollar and gets a Coke. She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke. She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke. She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke. Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?” She replies, “Piss off! Can’t you see I’m winning?”

Biff went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. “There seems to be a horrible, dark cloud surrounding me.” “I know,” said the psychic, “and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it.” Biff thought the fee was high, but, eager to be cured, he handed over the money to the psychic. After pocketing the fee, the psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one. Then Biff asked, “What do you call this dark and horrible curse?” The psychic waved the match down behind Biff  and said, “Poverty… thanks for the $100!”

In her dead-on, pull-no-punches book Go Tweet Yourself, Randazza blatantly calls out the kingpins of social networking – Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc. – and asks us to take a look at our strange, voyeuristic obsession with airing our laundry (dirty and, occasionally, clean) to the entire world. While many have shared similar opinions as her, none have slapped you in the face so ferociously with cynicism and sarcasm as Randazza does in her book.

Among the many topics she harps on, Randazza seeks to understand – and make us understand – what we find so appealing about 24/7 status updates, relationship information, embarrassing pictures and all other facets of our personal lives gone globally public. She further ponders why we are still hell-bent on participating in the social networking world when we know our professors and employers – both current and prospective – are just a click or two away from seeing the real reason we weren’t at class or work today. Hey, nothing says “hire me!” like a tagged picture of you doing a beer bong with some random girl’s panties strewn across your head like a sweatband on a Tuesday afternoon. Ami Gavarian


For more info on Go Tweet Yourself and Randazza, visit www.adamsmedia.com and be sure to read plenty more funny and poignant opinions from the one woman with enough, um, balls to call it like she sees it. Retail price: $9.95.

A blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope. A curious gentleman asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for. The blonde responded by saying, “The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture.”




Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas!

Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A: A pork chop!

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

The National Babies Union came up with a new motto: If at first you don’t succeed… cry, cry again!

Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad!

Q: How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it.

A blonde walks into a building and goes up to a lady and asks, “Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?” The lady looks at her dumbfounded and says, “Miss, this is a library.” So, the blonde moves closer and whispers, “Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?”

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: Because he felt crummy.

7/6 Even life-threatening health issues can’t keep the former Poison frontman from making music! After shocking the world with his speedy recovery, Bret Michaels is ready to unleash his new album, Custom Built. The album’s first single, “Nothing to Lose,” features up-and-coming superstar Miley Cyrus crooning. Custom Built also offers a unique cover of Sublime’s “What I Got,” as well as a country version of “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and two more previously released singles: “Wasted Time” and “Lie To Me.” Be sure to check out the brand new bonus material on the album, including four unreleased tracks for diehard Bret Michaels fans!

Juvenile Beast Mode

7/6 Following up on the success of his self-produced 2009 album, Cocky & Confident, rapper Juvenile is back for more with catchy beats, fiery lyrics and a unique sound that only he could pull off. Insisting that Beast Mode would be void of collaborators and guest artists, Juvenile did not rule out the likely possibility that he would recruit some of his peers to record remixes of his singles. The first single off the album is “Drop That Azz,” which released in May. The video for “Drop That Azz” just came out a few weeks ago. Don’t miss out on Juvenile’s ninth studio album this July 6th!

Jerrod Niemann Judge Jerrod & The Hung Jury

7/13 American country music artist Jerrod Niemann is ready to drop his first major record album via Arista Nashville’s Sea Gayle label. Judge Jerrod & The Hung Jury is full of fun, catchy sing-along songs, such as hit singles “One More Drinkin’ Song” and “Lover, Lover,” which became Niemann’s first-ever Top-10 single. Niemann has previously worked with heavyweights like Garth Brooks, Jamey Johnson, Neal McCoy and Julie Roberts. Don’t miss out on this rising star’s big breakthrough album coming out on the 13th!

Sleigh Bells Treats

7/20 This Brooklyn-based duo featuring guitarist Derek Miller and singer Alexis Krauss is ready to wow your pants off with their grungy, rhythmic pop sound that will force you to your feet and drag you out to the dance floor. Named a “Band to Watch” by Stereogum, Sleigh Bells is ready to take the dance/pop scene by storm with raging beats and heart-filled vocals that conjure every emotion. Treats comes out on the Mom + Pop Music label in special partnership with NEET Recordings, a label run by M.I.A., with with whom Krauss has often been compared. Guy Namath

What: Action/Sci-Fi
Who: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marion Cotillard
When: 7/16
Your mind is the scene of the crime in this sci-fi thriller about a master thief who’s hired to pilfer concepts from people while they’re in a dream state. But when a company asks him to plant an idea rather than steal one, his dream job suddenly turns into a nightmare!

The Last Airbender, PG-13

What: Action/Adventure/Fantasy
Who: Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz, Jessica Andres, Seychelle Gabriel
When: 7/2
Air, water, earth and fire - each element makes up one of four nations. But when the fire nation wages a deadly war on the others, only one man – the last airbender – can harness his unique powers to save humanity and put an end to the death and destruction.

Predators, R

What: Action/Sci-Fi
Who: Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Alice Braga, Laurence Fishburne
When: 7/9
A group of mercenaries and killers are placed on an alien planet only to find that they are now the prey! Be sure to check out this reboot that’s chock full of heart-pounding action and tons of nostalgia for old-school Predator fans.

Salt, R

What: Action/Thriller
Who: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor
When: 7/23
A loyal CIA operative is accused of being a Russian spy, forcing her to flee and fight for her life. Using her years of service and experience while on the run, Salt tries to prove her innocence while her hunters try to find out exactly who is Salt?

Dinner For Schmucks, R

What: Comedy
Who: Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Jemaine Clement, Jeff Dunham
When: 7/30
Tim (Rudd) is on the verge of landing his dream job. All he has to do is bring the strangest character to his boss’ annual Dinner For Extraordinary People – a meal where the person who brings the weirdest guest wins. Enter Barry (Carell) – a shoe-in for oddball of the year!