→ August 14, 2012
The end of summer is here and the stars know just how much you can’t wait to get back to class. Sticking a penny under your tongue and taking your temperature won’t solve anything anymore. This is the big leagues. You’ll need to step up your game if you want to get out of class. Or you could just ditch…
→ January 14, 2012
Ahh, the beginning of another year! The stars and planets are aligning, creating a union and demanding better pay and mystical conditions. For us mere mortals, that means dealing with the flow of astrological picket lines and pay-offs. Watch your step this January!
→ January 11, 2012
I’m looking to make some very big changes; changes so big that an extreme make-over seems like a half-assed half-measure.
→ December 12, 2011
The stars are shopping madly, hoping to get the Christmas gift-getting done before the Amex gets cut up. A splurge on a naughty elf costume for the Celestial Christmas Dinner isn’t helping but will certainly come in handy if they end up in a broom closet with Jupiter’s Moon. Again.
→ November 16, 2011
The stars feel the year is drawing to an end. Thank God! A string of very badly failed celestial hook-ups has left us looking forward to a move into the New Year. Sadly, they also have us requiring a mystical medical check-up due to a nasty rash that keeps popping up.
→ October 8, 2011
The stars love October! Whether it’s the sale at the mall, the weather or the fact that having sex regularly makes your skin better – October is awesome. Dumb people are bringing average scores up in classes and things are going your way. As for your fortunes this month? Hmm...
→ September 4, 2011
The stars want to let you know that September is
a month for laughter, sunshine and debt-ensuing gambling binges that leave you and all your loved ones penniless and on the streets. Before you get all pissy and whiny, the stars also would like to remind you that you got several awesome meals comped at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Free food always supercedes bankruptcy.
→ August 4, 2011
It took a fair bit of cheap scotch and a lot of expensive therapy, but the stars have recovered from the emotional low of July. But you’d better be nice to us! We’re just one cutting comment away from hiding under a desk in the fetal position. Here are your damn readings. Quickly now, before the Vicodin kicks in...
→ July 13, 2011
The stars are amazed and a little pissed at the angst floating around this month. I was under the impression that you actually graduated from elementary school! Who do the stars get to whine at? No one! They get to sit here and predict the fortunes of all you little bastards. Okay then...
→ June 21, 2011
The stars hooked up with a hottie in late May and have barely been out of bed long enough to predict the fortunes for June. So, with bleary eyes and the reek of sex, morning breath and body chocolate, they’ve quickly gazed into orbit and come up with the following warnings for you all.