Campus Talk » Jokes

Food for Thought

Frank — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 14:16:42 +0000

How come there aren’t B batteries?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Is a metaphor like a simile?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

If crime doesn’t pay, does that mean that volunteering is a crime?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

You Know You’re In College When…

Frank — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:12:46 +0000

College is a unique experience unlike any other phase in your life. But the sensory overload of endless partying and complete autonomy makes it difficult to pick up on the little nuances that make college so special and distinctive. Well, here’s a little help to remind you that, yes, you’re actually in college.

Flip-flops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

New additions to the food groups contain Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos.

Sleep becomes much more important.

Showers become much less important.

Falling asleep by 2:30 a.m. is an early night.

Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry (”Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…there’s only a little bit of mud on them…”)

Duct tape heals all wounds.

You can never make too many meals in a hot pot.

10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.

Two meals a day are standard…one for some!

Pickup Lines

Frank — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 14:21:17 +0000

When “being yourself” keeps leading you home alone, it’s time to try some of our fail-safe pickup lines. Drop these on some hottie and you’ll be doing the horizontal polka instead of playing pocket pool in no time!

Is that top felt? (no) would you like it to be?

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Girl, you better have a license, because you’re driving me wild!

I hope you know CPR because you just took my breath away.

Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.

If you were the new burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous!

Let’s make like a fabric softener and snuggle.

Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.

Do you have the time? (she gives you the time) No, the time to write down my number?

Campus Talk Jokes: Las Vegas Blonde & the Coke Machine

Frank — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 13:06:50 +0000

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, and their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish.’”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to a Coke machine, puts in a dollar and gets a Coke. She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke. She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke. She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke. Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?” She replies, “Piss off! Can’t you see I’m winning?”

Biff went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. “There seems to be a horrible, dark cloud surrounding me.” “I know,” said the psychic, “and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it.” Biff thought the fee was high, but, eager to be cured, he handed over the money to the psychic. After pocketing the fee, the psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one. Then Biff asked, “What do you call this dark and horrible curse?” The psychic waved the match down behind Biff and said, “Poverty… thanks for the $100!”

Campus Talk Jokes: Blonde Waiting for a Train

Frank — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 14:11:07 +0000

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope. A curious gentleman asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for. The blonde responded by saying, “The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture.”

Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas!

Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A: A pork chop!

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

The National Babies Union came up with a new motto: If at first you don’t succeed… cry, cry again!

Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad!

Q: How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it.

A blonde walks into a building and goes up to a lady and asks, “Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?” The lady looks at her dumbfounded and says, “Miss, this is a library.” So, the blonde moves closer and whispers, “Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?”

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: Because he felt crummy.

Campus Talk Jokes: The Urinal & the Drill Sergeant

Frank — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:29:48 +0000

One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, a married couple went to lay in their bed. The husband, feeling a little frisky, began to sensually massage his wife. “Not tonight, honey,” she said. “I’m too tired.” “Is that your final answer?” asked the husband. “Yes,” said the wife. “Then I’d like to phone a friend,” replied the husband.

Have you ever noticed how all female problems are really caused by men? MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnecologists… and when we have REAL trouble, it’s a HISterectomy!

A lawyer, an economist and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says, “I was taught to be thorough.” The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says, “I was taught to be environmentally friendly.” The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says, “I was taught not to piss on my hands.”

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. “Black pepper or white pepper?” asked the concierge. “Toilet pepper!”

A notoriously mean drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die, you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge… no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I’d never stand in another line again!”

5 (Minor) Personality Flaws You Should Go To Prison For

Frank — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 13:00:12 +0000

Personalities abound with flaws make changes good that something you’re doing drives your friends and co-workers crazy. So long as you avoid the big ones (racism, bitchiness, claiming “Dancing With the Stars” as your favorite TV show…) people tend to forgive you. And maybe that’s the problem. We’re so focused on the major offenses that we let other things slide. Listed below are five minor personality flaws that we really should be allowed to imprison you for.

MISQUOTING MOVIE LINES

“What, you think I’m funny? Like I dance around with a clown and make you laugh or something? Do I have an amusing laugh like a clown?” It’s not just that you butcher some of the best, most quotable lines in movie history. It’s that your impressions are god-awful to boot. Is that Joe Pesci you’re doing, or Stewie from “Family Guy?” The operating rule with movie quotes should be if you can’t do it justice, don’t do it at all. Because when you stutter your way through Samuel L. Jackson’s Pulp Fiction speech, it’s really all we can do to not “strike you down with great… revenge and angry… fury…” or something like that.

SINGING PARTIAL LYRICS WHILE LISTENING ON HEADPHONES

Much like the people with bogus movie quotes, if you don’t know all the words, please don’t try to sing them. Even though you can hear Miley Cyrus fill in the lyrics you missed, it’s rather disconcerting for the rest of us to hear, “…time I freaked out…
st-st-stutter… couldn’t breathe… oh she just bein’ Miley…” Remember, the reason you stuck those little white buds in your ears was so the rest of us wouldn’t hear what you’re listening to. If we wanted the broken shorthand version, we’d have watched the video ourselves on a dialup connection.

ASKING ME HOW OLD I THINK YOU ARE

When women start approaching 30, they want younger dudes to validate their youthful looks and figure. And that’s why, apropos of nothing, they’ll want to blurt out, “How old do you think I am?” Ladies, this is the equivalent of asking your boyfriend if that dress makes you look fat. Only it’s worse because, as a stranger, stuttering out a “right answer” will not improve the likelihood of having sex with you. And that, simply put, is not fair. Since we’re not allowed to imprison you for this, guys everywhere should simply unite and promise to automatically add 10 years to their answer, even if the inquisitor looks like she’s not a day over 25.

TAKING THE ELEVATOR DOWN A SINGLE FLOOR

There’s laziness and then there’s laziness that instantly inconveniences 12 people within striking distance. Unless you’re
on crutches or carrying something heavy, it’s never a good idea to piss off so many people in so small an area. Sure, it’s only for 10 seconds, but that’s more than enough time for somebody on their last straw to disable the security camera while the rest of us dog-pile you.

POSTING THOUSANDS OF PICTURES ON FACEBOOK

Look, we get that the digital age has made it easy to take 20 shots of every event, no matter how minor and insignificant. But perhaps you could weed through all those might-as-well-be-duplicates and choose, I don’t know, one of them to represent the rest! Maybe? This flaw wouldn’t be quite so maddening, except for when it comes to those shots of you in the bikini, you suddenly whip out the artistic restraint. Just so we’re clear: half-naked shots of you at the beach = upload as many pictures as you want. Fully clothed group shots at the bonfire = nobody but you cares.

My Expensive Bottled Water Tastes Awesome

Frank — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 13:03:57 +0000

Do you see this bottle of water I’m drinking? It costs $3.99. I got it because it was the most expensive one in the store.

I won’t put any of that other crap in my body. As you can see, the bottle isn’t even very big. It’s half a liter, whatever the hell that means; stupid French people. It has some lame-sounding name I can’t begin to pronounce, so I don’t even try. I let my money do the talking for me. You can bet that foreign guy at the Mini-Mart is impressed by someone like me who throws away $3.99, plus tax, on water.

No, I don’t want a brown paper bag. I’m not a homeless alcoholic. I want everyone to see me drinking a bottle of water that costs as much as the recommended monthly donation to Save the Children. Hey kids, are you thirsty? I’ve got bad news for you. You can’t share this with me. I go to the gym every day and I do yoga. I don’t eat fried food. I take care of my body. I’m not about to mess up my health by letting some diseased kid take a swig of my designer water. Keep drinking out of that puddle next to your hut. It hasn’t killed you yet.

Oh yeah, that is some good water. You wouldn’t believe how it tastes. I can’t even describe it, that’s how smooth it is. All the major celebrities drink this brand. I saw it on TV. I’ll bet they use it to make ice cubes. They probably shower with it. I’m going to try that some time. I bet that would be sweet.

You can keep all of that polluted off-brand agua you poison yourself with. I would rather lie down on the sidewalk and let an old hobo take a leak in my mouth than settle for the bottled water you drink. I’ll keep shelling out $3.99 for this until something more expensive comes on the market. This stuff comes from the Alps. The Alps are in, like, Europe or Switzerland, right? That’s why it tastes so good.

I go through at least three bottles of this stuff every day, and hell no, I don’t recycle. That’s for hippies. I don’t have time. People who work at landfills need jobs too, but you probably never thought of that. I’m sure that if the Greenpeace dorks had their way, we’d all be drinking tap water. How are we supposed to illustrate the ever-widening socio-economic rift in this country if some of us aren’t allowed to spend $3.99 on a bottle of water?

You know what else? Not only am I not going to recycle this bottle, I’m just going to chuck it out the window because I don’t want a bunch of empties cluttering up the inside of my brand new car. I like to stay on the cutting edge – even with the water I drink. John Edward Scheck

Campus Talk Jokes: Abe Lincoln & the Arguing Couple

Frank — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 15:18:52 +0000

Teacher: Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in the field”
Student: “A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.”
Teacher: “Why?”
Student: “Ladies first.”

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!

“You should be ashamed,” a father told his son, Andy. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk 10 miles every day to get to school.” “Really?” Andy responded. “Well, when he was your age, he was president!”

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the bride wear white?” His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” The boy thinks about this then says, “Well, then why is the groom wearing black?”

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter. When the girl got back from the date she said, “That was the worst night of my life!” “Why is that?” her mom asked. “He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!” she replied. “Isn’t that a good thing?” asked the mom. “He’s the original owner!”

An arguing couple was walking down the street together, spewing words back and forth. When they passed by a barn full of pigs, cows and goats, the husband said to his wife, “Relatives of yours?” “Yup,” said the wife. “In-laws!”

Campus Talk Jokes: The Video Store & the Encyclopedia

Frank — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 19:40:09 +0000

A man went to his local video rental store and asked the kid at the counter if he could get Batman Forever. “No,” said the employee. “You can only rent it for up to one week!”

A man was interviewing for a job. The interviewer said to him, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible for this job.” “Well, I’m your man,” said the interviewee. “At my last job, every time something went wrong, everyone held me responsible!”

Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
A: Above-average intelligence.

Q: What do you call a smart insect?
A: A spelling bee.

Q: Why was Tigger looking inside the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh.

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?” “Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, my lawyer objects.”

Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did the blonde give her computer cough medicine?
A: It had a virus.

Q: Why did the blonde spray her computer with Raid?
A: It had a bug.

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Q: Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?
A: Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says: “See Lawyer.”