The stars see you heating up like a Christmas goose! Even after that embarrassing run-in with the two clowns and the transvestite, your reputation has healed enough that you can finally hit on people without getting laughed at. Just wait until they hear that you still wet the bed, though.

ARIES

(21 Mar–20 Apr)
Mmm… smelling good, Aries. Something about the overpowering scent of drying sweat, leather and gym towels is really attractive to the stars. We don’t know what it is, but that salty aroma is hot!

TAURUS

(21 Apr–21 May)
You are still unpopular with the stars. I have arranged for the planets to align incorrectly over you for an entire month, causing horrific acne and a powerful sexual magnetism to the ugliest folks on campus.

GEMINI

(22 May–22 Jun)
You’ve taken the stars’ tip about being a sexy bad boy a tad too far. Get the bodies out of the freezer and turn yourself into the authorities. On the upside, you’ll be getting plenty of lovin’ in the big house.

CANCER

(23 Jun–23 Jul)
What is the deal with your wardrobe lately? One day you’re sporting outfits from the ‘50s, the next you’re rocking some alien suit from the future. Pick a style and run with it already.

LEO

(24 Jul–23 Aug)
You’re unsure about sporting facial hair. It’s worked for Tom Selleck since 1982 and you’re trying something new. Enough! Don’t get swept up in the hype. It’ll get you nowhere with the stars.

VIRGO

(24 Aug–23 Sep)
Lay off the juice. No, not steroids (we can all see you’re not on those). I mean the juice. An all-fruit juice diet will give you a nice, clean colon. It’ll also make you a gassy freak who smells like radishes.

LIBRA

(24 Sep–23 Oct)
Your stash of High School Musical memorabilia will be stolen. Even your Zac Efron autographed underpants. The police will round up suspects but you will never identify the correct 11-year-old girl in a line up.

SCORPIO

(24 Oct–22 Nov)
Whoever said you can make free organic yogurt in your washing machine is laughing their ass off right now. We’d be laughing too, but the stink of goat’s milk and soap suds is freakin’ disgusting.

SAGITTARIUS

(23 Nov–22 Dec)
You will practice changing adult diapers this month. No, not for your drunken bladder problem. Retiring is expensive, and your parents will save a ton when Granny comes to live with you.

CAPRICORN

(23 Dec–19 Jan)
There will be a sudden influx of cash in your world. Is it the new job? Glad to hear that being a two-bit gigolo is working out so well for you. Keep an eye on that rash, though… you need a steady income.

AQUARIUS

(20 Jan–19 Feb)
I like you, Aquarius. You’re the sort of star sign that would rock my world. Mainly because I could make you my submissive bitch. Don’t act like you don’t enjoy leather whips and paddles.

PISCES

(20 Feb–20 Mar)
You’re being very quiet, Pisces. That makes the stars nervous. Whenever you’re quiet, the world wonders what the hell you’re up to. Good work. Kudos for messing with the mainstream.