CAPRICORN
(23 DEC–19 JAN)
Pluto is moving deep into Capricorn this January. Steer clear of retarded dogs. The ingress of Capricorn causes an astrological phenomenon called ‘control freakiness’. For God’s Sake – stop polishing the TV remote while lecturing your friends and get a life.

AQUARIUS
(20 JAN–19 FEB)
You are a progressive and creative thinker with a limited grasp on reality. You favor euthanasia and sterilization for everyone but yourself. You will find yourself making the same mistakes over and over in 2009. Your friends think you are dumb.

PISCES
(20 FEB–20 MAR)
The stars have noticed your constant attraction to your reflection. Mirrors, spoons, hubcaps – staring at your face this much will make you blind! You aren’t as hot as you think you are. You are also using too much hair product and not enough deodorant.

ARIES
(21 MAR–20 APR)
You’d like to think you are passionate. At best you are tolerable. Most of the time you’re an ass! Watch your mouth and learn when to run. The stars are seeing a well deserved punch in the kisser on the way in 2009.

TAURUS
(21 APR–21 MAY)
This month sees you being practical, persistent, determined and boring as hell. You are also dogged, stubborn, bullheaded and treat others like crap. The stars are confused. Your destiny lies either as a Communist, a Fascist or with the IRS.

GEMINI
(22 MAY–22 JUN)
January is a month of creativity and innovation. You’ll make many friends, mainly because you are bisexual. And not picky. You expect far too much from people, especially considering what a tight-wad you are. Lucky you! Lots of sex and saving money too!

CANCER
(23 JUN–23 JUL)
You will appear to be sincere and understanding of a friend’s problems, but everyone knows you are just trying to get in their pants. You will continue to procrastinate and masturbate instead. That’s why you’ll end up working for your parents.

LEO
(24 JUL–23 AUG)
The stars know that the student Leo spends more time on their hair than on their studies. It’s time well spent. You look hot. For extra hotness, the Leo should always drink tequila and wear their pubic hair shaved into pretty patterns.

VIRGO
(24 AUG–23 SEP)
Virgo students need to indulge in their artistic sides but take a firmer grasp on reality. Come out of the closet or actually prove that you’re straight. Arrange furniture, become a female mechanic or actually close the deal for a change.

LIBRA
(24 SEP–23 OCT)
This month you’ll be cold, unemotional and likely to fall asleep during sex. You are a fuss-maker, a fact that drives your unfortunate friends and family crazy. Libras are the star-signs most likely to be smothered by an enraged and sexually frustrated lover.

SCORPIO
(24 OCT–22 NOV)
2009 sees you being shrewd, canny, unnaturally good yet completely untrustworthy with money. Scorpios tend to be cheats even when nothing is to be gained. The stars suggest the way to abolish organized crime is to send all Scorpios to Utah.

SAGITTARIUS
(23 NOV–22 DEC)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. This is because as you have no talent, you rely on luck to succeed. Sometimes you do. Sagittarians are also reckless when excited. This explains the high incidents of them instigating drunken sex, often with disastrous results.