The stars want to let you know that September is a month for laughter, sunshine and debt-ensuing gambling binges that leave you and all your loved ones penniless and on the streets.

Before you get all pissy and whiny, the stars also would like to remind you that you got several awesome meals comped at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Free food always supersedes bankruptcy.

ARIES

(21 Mar–20 Apr)
Your little daily rituals are what keep you ticking. You’re afraid of change and fear being less perfect tomorrow than you are today. Small steps… try wearing clean socks first. You are to be praised for your adventurous spirit. Rejoice!

TAURUS

(21 Apr–21 May)
Bouncing up and down is fun, and encouraging people to do the same is the perfect way to make friends and see breasts wobble. This will not impress your partner. Telling your partner how much better you are at sex was also stupid.

GEMINI

(22 May–22 Jun)
The position of the stars (combined with your ability to drink yourself into stupors) conjures some less-than-satisfying sexual escapades. Your legend precedes you. You drink three beers and find the nearest couch to nap on.

CANCER

(23 Jun–23 Jul)
Only love can destroy your heart. That said, trans fat will give it a damn good try. Try not to sob off your recent heartbreak at McGreasy’s. No one likes a sad, fat person. Cry into your bongo drums while eating sushi.

LEO

(24 Jul–23 Aug)
You are due for a comeback. During the ’90s you were often the loser that everyone else blamed for their misfortunes. You will encounter a revival this month by break dancing in front of an entire cafeteria full of your peers.

VIRGO

(24 Aug–23 Sep)
This is very confusing. The majority of those born under your sign are neurotic cat walkers. You, however, are much more complex. The stars indicate you get off on taking long baths in tubs filled with peanut oil.

LIBRA

(24 Sep–23 Oct)
Love is such a complex thing… especially when you’re involved. So how about taking a break from getting involved and trying a hands-off experience for a while. The burn around your privates will thank you.

SCORPIO

(24 Oct–22 Nov)
Temperatures will rise today as you find yourself locked in a cupboard with a close friend who likes spicy bean burritos. Sadly, this will be the closest you get to a hot, sweaty person letting it all go this month.

SAGITTARIUS

(23 Nov–22 Dec)
Most astrologers agree that Sagittari are born with a strange duality. The medical community has been known to mistake this for schizophrenia, often leading to hilarious consequences. Tell your other self to take your meds.

CAPRICORN

(23 Dec–19 Jan)
You are often hurt by your desire to take risks and your competitive streak. When challenged by a known black belt to a martial arts competition, it is ordinarily wise to politely decline and run… fast.

AQUARIUS

(20 Jan–19 Feb)
Celebratory dates are important to you, and it is rare that you ever forget a joyous occasion or holiday. Regardless, you intentionally don’t send cards and gifts just to spite the person. Classy.

PISCES

(20 Feb–20 Mar)
Attraction to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including (but not limited to) your friend’s parents, dwarves
and carnival clowns. It is a marked improvement from previous lovers.