By Blair Edelman

You’re only going out for a couple of drinks. Got to get up early tomorrow, you tell yourself. Yet somehow every time you make the conscious effort to not act like a drunken douche bag, you still wake up next to your cellmate, Big Bertha, or realize that the student who attempted to climb on top of the student union building was, in fact, you.

Subconsciously, we all realize that there is no such thing as a “classy” night out on the town. So, how do you conceal the embarrassing mess you’ve created? That’s easy, my friends. In any situation, embellish, lie and/or deny.

Scenario 1

You drunk dialed… again!

A) …a family member: (LIE)

Chances are you can’t ignore your bloodline… well at least not forever. So, when you are questioned about the slurring message coming from your phone at 4:16am, tell them it simply wasn’t you. Somehow, while aiding a friend who had gotten sick, you dropped your phone. In the commotion, someone else must have picked it up and dialed by accident. Whoever it was must have been so intoxicated that they used your phone and then forgot about it. Thankfully, you found it in the bathroom later that night.
Effectiveness: 100% Unless you used names… then you might be screwed.

B) …your ex: (DENY)

In most cases, do not contact them unless they contact you. If they do, simply deny that you ever would call them. In fact, turn the tables around, telling them how pathetic this is that they are making up a “fake” phone call simply to talk to you again. Don’t let them get a word in, and end it with,”this isn’t healthy, I have to go. Please get help.”
Effectiveness: 100% Also good to lie to yourself in the process.

C) …the guy/girl you met five minutes ago: (EMBELLISH)

Use this stalkerish action to your advantage. When questioned, respond accordingly.
Guys: “You were just so beautiful, I couldn’t help but hear your voice one more time.”
Girls: “ I just called to see if you’d be interested in a round of… (choose from: beer pong, flip cup or some other drinking sport. Or sex.)
Effectiveness: 82.96%
If they don’t believe you, c’est la vie. If they do, you’ve got yourself a date sans the next day awkwardness of
the “calling or not calling” scenario.

Scenario 2

You wind up in the media. Publicity not so good.

A) …the internet:

When you receive a disturbing phone call from your parents, friends, priest, etc. that the person on Girls Gone Wild or that Dateline segment on college binge drinking looks a lot like you. There is nothing else to do but deny like hell. Everyone in the world has a twin, and, besides, you were home that night… studying.
Effectiveness: 97% No one can argue information that you’re taking to the grave. If they have to be, let them be skeptical. You’ll never tell.

B) …newspaper photo:

Picking up the morning paper and seeing your drunken fight or other antics splashed across the front page can be jarring. But when in doubt, just embellish. Say something like: you knew the photographer and he/she was really stressed to get a certain picture by deadline.  So, being the upstanding citizen you are, you helped out.
Effectiveness: 99.999999%
Just joke about how real your setting that tree on fire looked. Got to love digital enhancement, right?

Scenario 3:

Strange hook-ups

A) …a friend’s ex:

Despite the fact you may have committed a cardinal sin, there is still hope. In this situation, it is best to just flat out deny all charges and blame their ex. Guys’ responses should somehow incorporate the words “slutty ho-bag” when describing the ex, while girls can implement the always-effective “cocky, lying loser.”
Effectiveness: 94% Their loyalty is to you. And if they somehow get conclusive evidence… grovel.

B) …someone of lower social status:

To avoid getting endlessly mocked and ridiculed for your not-so-hot hook-up, simply lie about your level of intoxication. God, you were sooo wasted you thought you were hooking up with Gisele Bundchen.
Effectiveness: 87% They still might make fun for a little while, but then they’ll feel bad. If not, there’s always revenge when they decide to make out with a hobbit in the future.

C) …a demi-god:

Ok, so you’re probably not going to have to do much damage control if you score with a major conquest, but to add to your friends’ jealously, play it up. Chances are this person is never going to call you again. In fact, they might be experiencing the above situation, but turn it around and tell everyone that they were so obsessed with you it was a little scary. That’s believable, right?
Effectiveness: 102% You may be the new dating guru in your social circle.