Submitted By: Ethan Corillo - Nerd from MIT

As a culture, we’ve been conditioned to believe that high intelligence equals social retardation and sexual incompetence. But don’t be so quick to write off those skinny guys with the Coke-bottle glasses, pocket protectors and 4.0 averages. Romantically speaking, nerds are a largely untapped resource. Given the chance, some of them could be far more than just the creepy geniuses who let you copy their homework. Is it possible? Do nerds make better lovers?

SCIENCE NERDS

Don’t let the test tubes, gyroscopes and pasty complexions deceive you. Chemistry, Physics and Engineering majors spend ten hours a day working with equations, proofs and numerical values that are far too small for the human mind to comprehend. They’re just aching for a physical outlet, and when the moment of truth finally arrives, they are amazingly “precise.” The glaring exceptions to this rule seem to be Biology majors, who, for as knowledgeable as they are about the mammalian reproductive system, are curiously ignorant as to how the female body actually works.

ENGLISH NERDS

This guy is romantic, no doubt about it. He’s been studying classical language and iambic pentameter for a couple years now. He’ll weave sonnets and love poems enough to make you go weak in the knees. Simple birthday cards become lyrical works of art. Your friends will be jealous knowing that you have the sensitive boyfriend they’ve all been dreaming of. Of course, all that romancing can be tiring, even for a nerd, so once you’re in bed, he kind of expects you to do all the work.

MATH NERDS

These nerds come in two groups: the ones in Calculus and the ones in Accounting 101. The Calc guys, with those heavy-duty graphing calculators, are really just Astrophysicists in denial (see Science Nerds). Those other guys, unfortunately, are on a collision course with an adding machine and life as a number cruncher. They may be in a fraternity today, but ten years from now, they’ll be praying to get kidnapped just for something interesting to happen in their lives.

HISTORY NERDS

These guys are bitter and pissed off at everything you can imagine: politicians, the media, religion, Hollywood, rich people, communists, governments (all of them), the medical community, the post office, Republicans, Democrats, the Jefferson Administration, patriotism and of course Wal*Mart. When it comes to the horrors we have perpetuated on humankind throughout the bloody reign of Imperialism, he claims to bear the burden of “knowing the full truth.” He’s also a colossal and unbearable tool. Still, you may find that righteous anger translates well into bedroom passion.

COMPUTER NERDS

These nerds also come in two diverse groups: the chubby, socially stunted cubicle dwellers who work in programming and web design and the cocky skater-gear-wearing rave kids from software innovation and iMac technical support. The former kind, as expected, is clumsy and inexperienced in the bedroom whereas the latter “neo-hipsters” can only get it up while high on Ecstasy. Either way, you ain’t gettin’ any. But at least with the software guys, you’re guaranteed a kickass party beforehand. With the web guys, you’ll probably spend the whole evening playing World of Warcraft.

So on behalf of nerds everywhere: please, please, PLEASE give us a chance. You may think of that nerdy guy down the hall as just a friend and potential tutor, but given the chance, he may just gyrate your cranium out of its helio-centric orbit… and, oh baby, where else are you going to get pillow talk like that?