Dear Frank,

Could you please tell every guy out there to STOP bathing in cologne? Talk about being counterproductive! If your scent gives me a headache from across the room, there’s no way I’m letting you close enough to kiss me.

Darlene

Sure, I’ll tell them… so long as I can tell you girls to please understand the difference between perfume and bug spray. I don’t know what some of you chicks are spraying on, but if it smells like DEET, maybe you shouldn’t be paying $50 a bottle for it.

FRANK FACT: Frank thinks bug spray is for wussies.  It’s just a sign that your body odor hasn’t sufficiently evolved.

Hey Frank,

Why are people so damn obsessed with ’80s music?

Steiner

The ’80s gave us an optimism that few decades have been able to manage. We had a president that everyone universally loved, an enemy that everyone universally hated, a world-hunger problem that everyone could solve by singing a universally schmaltzy song and, of course, universal amounts of cocaine. Is it any wonder Mickey’s so fine he still blows minds over 20 years later?  Don’t let them fool you, though, because the ’80s came at a horrific price: namely Jersey perms and shoulder pads.

FRANK FACT: Frank swears Olivia Newton John wrote “Let’s Get Physical” about him.

Freaky Frank,

I finally got my girl naked the other day (WOOT WOOT) and I discovered that she has a six-pack. Like an honest-to-god six-pack. Is it just me or is that kind of gross for a chick to have that many muscles?

Lou

After years and years of writing this column, I have arrived at a metaphysical conundrum. Clearly, my advice is being wasted on the very dumbasses most in need of it.  I’m curious, how on earth do ANY of you guys get laid? Ever? Seriously, what is it about you that keeps the female gender coming back for more? My mind is utterly blown.

FRANK FACT: If you say, “That’s what she said,” Frank will personally come over and tie a slip-knot in your balls.

Dear Frank,

I babysit the most spoiled rotten little girl on the planet. It’s all I can do not to smack this kid at every instant, but I’m sure her rich parents have nanny cams everywhere. The money is too good to turn down though, so what about my sanity?

Michelle

Long-lasting torment is usually the best revenge. Start her on the road to eating disorders at every meal by asking, “Are you sure you want more nuggets? You don’t want to get fat, do you?”

FRANK FACT: Frank got busted by a nanny cam once. Turned out to be the hottest damn sex tape he ever made.

Hey Frank,

Those P90X commercials are effin’ mesmerizing. Any idea if they actually work?

Ted

While I would never engage in physical activity that didn’t involve another naked person or a bucket of balls, it seems like this one is for real.  Of course, if you look at all the “before” pictures, those X dudes weren’t all that out of shape to begin with.  I don’t imagine a big. fat fatty such as yourself would have quite as much luck with it.

FRANK FACT: Frank would like to stress for the record that he had sex with the nanny in that nanny cam tape, not the child.

Hi Frank,

I’m planning on coming out of the closet to my parents over Thanksgiving. Any tips on breaking the news easily?

Marcus

There are only two rules for coming out to the family. 1. Not during dinner. 2. Not during dessert. They’ll either accept you or they won’t, but there’s no sense in making them picture what you do behind closed doors every time they reach for the gravy or chocolate pudding.

FRANK WISDOM: The world would be a much happier place if we were all lesbians.

Hi Frank,

Midterms are coming up and I am soooo stressed out. Problem is, when I get stressed I get, you know, horny. I have no boyfriend right now and I’m not into cheap hookups, and I get really skeeved out over the idea of, you know, taking care of myself. What can I do?

Melissa

Um… sorry girlfriend, I’ve got nothing. I never thought this would be possible, but you’ve created yourself an anti-Frank trifecta.

FRANK FACT: Really guys, it was the nanny! She was 23 years old! He’ll show you the freakin driver’s license!

Frank,

So, one of the guys on my swim team dropped the N-bomb the other day. Um… I didn’t think racism like that still existed in our generation. I was so stunned I honestly had nothing to say back. How do you even begin to put somebody like that in their place?

Lonny

You could call him on it. You could alert the entire team to his bigotry. But wouldn’t it be more fun to make his self-destruction an epic one? Sign him up for every white supremacist and neo-Nazi organization that has a mailing list. Let them fuel his racist fires with propaganda and monthly mailings. Then draft up your own pamphlet about a “white power rally” on campus and mail it to him. Get everyone he knows to show up a half-hour early and when he walks through the door yell, “Surprise!”

FRANK FACT: Frank got punk’d in a similar fashion once. He should have known an all-girl “extrav-orgasma” on campus was too good to be true.