Yo Frankie!

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?

Mikey

Excellent! Another pseudo-intellectual hippie douche coming to college thinking he’s the next big revolutionary poet/vegan chef. Just to clarify… nobody on campus is going to acknowledge your pitiful attempt at getting attention, and no girl will sleep with you unless there’s money involved. Enjoy the next four years, assclown!

FRANK FACT: Reciting old folk song lyrics is a crime worthy of capital punishment in the eyes of Frank.

‘Sup Frank?

You ready to bang it out this year with me and the homies? We ‘bout it, ‘bout it! Clubbin’ all night like it’s Vegas, baby! You down?

J-Rizzle

Since when did the university start admitting those brain farts from Jersey Shore? I thought they had higher standards than that. What’s next… girls stripping their way through college and swearing it’s only temporary?

FRANK FACT: Frank’s ex stripped through college to pay off her loans. Now she strips to pay for her four kids with three different men.

Frank-a-doodle-doo!

I heard a rumor that you were upgrading from your taxi to a limo? Is it possible the great and mighty Frank could sell out the common-folk for the fancy-pants types? For shame!

Freddy

There’s about as much truth to that rumor as there is to the one going ‘round about me, your mom and John Popper in the stall at Sonny’s BBQ. It was just me and your mom. Popper didn’t show up until we finished up in there and sat down for the all-you-can-eat pulled pork.

FRANK FACT: The average human consumes 10 pounds of barbecued meat each year. Frank consumes 10 pounds of barbecued meat each meal.

Dear Frank,

School’s starting back up, which means we’ve got a brand new crop of freshman girls on the way. What’s your plan of attack for the just-of-age cuties about to invade town? I know you’ve got it all mapped out like a seasoned
war general.

Julio

If I said what I really have planned for these homesick hotties, the head honchos over at CT would revoke my monthly stipend of beer and wings, and that’s just not a risk I’m willing to take. You’d understand if you were a 40-something alcoholic with low income and high blood pressure.

FRANK FACT: Frank believes freshmen should be forced to wear ID bracelets to ensure they are, in fact, 18.

Dear Frank,

My boyfriend refuses to go out at night with me. He says he’s just not into the whole bar and club scene, and he trusts me to go out, have fun and come home to him at the end of the night. I appreciate his trust but it’s really hard not to flirt with guys who hit on me when he’s not there to step in.

Amy

Are you blind? Your oh-so-innocent man is cheating on you, plain and simple. While you’re out flirting with some moron who keeps dropping $10 per drink on a girl who won’t sleep with him, he’s out with some skank he met at a bar three towns over. Yeah, a bar. Apparently he likes ‘em.

FRANK FACT: Frank was approached by the producers of Cheaters to provide color commentary. He was fired after the first take.

F to the Rank!

I think I left my mascara in your backseat the other day. It’s really expensive stuff, so if you happen to find it, please send it to me at the address attached to this letter. Thanks!

Steph

I found it, but it’s long gone. I used it on some dumbass frat boys who passed out in my backseat while I was driving them home. The passed out ones never tip… they’re always too dazed to remember to pull out an extra buck or two and hand it to the nice guy who just dropped them off at their doorstep. Buncha hoodlums…

FRANK FACT: Frank only messes with people who have stiffed him before. He never forgets the face of a cheapskate.

Hey Frank,

What’s the deal with exorbitant door prices at clubs these days? Do they really expect me to pay $15 to get into a crowded room where they blast crappy music and charge me another $15 per cocktail? That’s straight-up un-American, dammit!

Ranjit

With a name like Ranjit, I can tell you’re an expert in all things American. My racial profiling aside, I couldn’t agree more with you. You’re better off spending half that money on an extra large pizza, waiting outside the club and picking up some drunk chick as she stumbles out after last call.

FRANK FACT: Frank routinely eats extra large pizzas in one evening all by himself. Did we mention Frank has high blood pressure?

Dear Frank,

What kind of music do you jam out to? You seem like a ZZ Top guy to me.

Gregory

I seem like a ZZ Top guy to you? You seem like a Cher guy to me, chump. Don’t judge a book by its cover, asshat. But for the record, “Tush” is a badass song that you can routinely hear in ol’ Frankie’s cab.

FRANK FACT: Frank lost his virginity to “Sharp Dressed Man” by ZZ Top.

Frank the Tank!

I’m totally a daddy’s girl, but now that I’m in college, I’m planning on going buckwild! Any ideas on how to make the most of the best years of my life without ending up on the cover of Girls Gone Wild?

Sheila

Jeez, it’s like my editors are trying to get me booted by throwing me these bones. Look, She-devil, I mean Sheila, have fun, be safe and whatever you do, for the love of all that’s holy, DO NOT ever say you got your advice from me. You just seem like the type of girl whose dad would shoot the man responsible for his precious princess’ corruption.

FRANK FACT: This is obviously not Frank’s real advice for Sheila….

Stanky Frankie!
I want to be your apprentice. Please teach me the ways of apathy, vulgarity and slothfulness. I am your pupil and you are my master.

Daniel-san

First, you must be willing to give up many things in your life, like pride, integrity and personal hygiene. Second, you must be willing to live off of alcoholic beverages and vending machine food. If you can do that for a month straight and not die, I’ll consider fulfilling your training.

FRANK FACT: The last time Frank had a nutritious meal was when the hospital intravenously pumped liquid vegetables into his system after he had his stomach pumped.

Itching to ask Frank his thoughts on making a move on your roommate’s girl or why you never see his cab around town? Email your questions to Frank@MyCampusTalk.com and look for his response online or in the next Campus Talk magazine!