By Chris Jenkins


I believe it was Shakespeare who penned the term “bros before hoes.” And as we all know from paying perfect attention in our English Lit classes, pretty much anything that man said should be taken to heart like holy scripture. But what happens when two best buds can’t seem to quell their carnal lust for the fairer of sexes, causing them to engage in a do-or-die battle for the babe of their dreams? You’ve heard of bride wars, right? Well, this is bro wars! Read on and learn how to best your bud in the quest for the holy grail, er, girl.

Phase 1:  Laying The Foundations Of Friendship

Your idea of a good time is laying on the couch shirtless while you and your pal play video games ‘til you can’t see straight anymore. Her idea of a good time is something along the lines of watching Sex and the City marathons and performing makeovers. Like the old adage goes, “the early bird gets the worm.” Be the first to shut off the PS3 and get your ass over to her place for a facial and manicure if you want to get the initial shot at her affection. It doesn’t hurt to throw your buddy under the bus, too, whenever possible. Something along the lines of “he views all girls as sexual objects and has a three-inch unit” should do the trick for the time being…

Phase 2:  Turning On The Charm

Now that you’ve got your foot in the door while your competition is still stuck in the driveway, it’s time to bridge the gap from “friend” to “something more.” Subtlety is like a fine wine… it starts off unassuming then finishes strong.

Phase 3:  Laying It All On The Line

By now, unless she’s clueless, the girl of your dreams is well-aware of your intentions. Don’t worry! If she’s still hanging around, that means the feeling’s mutual. Of course, if she’s also spending time with your buddy, that same feeling is being extended his way, too. It’s time to take this battle of one-upmanship to the next level. Using whatever knowledge you’ve absorbed about her likes and dislikes, ask her out on her perfect date rather than taking her to your favorite pub for all-you-can-eat wings and ribs night. If all goes well, you’ll be the first to mark your territory with a little hooking-up. Then you can go home and brag about it to your defeated buddy as he slowly realizes he no longer wants to pursue anything with someone you’ve    kissed all over. In the words of Johnny Drama, “VICTORY!!!”

Ever wonder how girls would deal with this same situation? We’ve got a sneak peek for you…

Girl 1:  If you so much as look at him, I’ll Nair your eyebrows off in the middle of the night.
Girl 2: Try me, bitch! I’ll show him those pics where your love handles are spilling out of your shirt.
Girl 1: Whatever. You’re more loose than pocket change, slut!
Girl 2: At least I didn’t make a sex tape with half a fraternity last semester! Why don’t I tell him about that?!?!
Girl 1: Okay, you can have him…