No matter what the New Year’s resolution, they’re usually too simple or mundane to make a big enough impact on someone’s life to make seeing them through worthwhile. This is one of the reasons why every year thousands of stationary bikes become expensive clothes racks.

This year shoot for something that the mere thought of achieving makes you giddy as a crackhead locked in an evidence room. Resolve to change your entire life before Dick Clark renews his deal with the devil and makes it to another Times Square soirée. Here are a few places to start your 12-month transformation into the new you.

By February: Your Friends

Take a good look at your friends. If they’re the exact opposite of what you’re trying to become then divorce them. Besides, when you graduate or get married you’ll only keep in touch with one or two of them anyway. Go to Meetup.com and find a new group of friends to hang out with.

By March: Your Clothes

The key to a solid wardrobe is to have a few nice pieces that accent your less affluent looking garb. $125 on a pair of Lucky Brand jeans that can be worn with a sport coat just as easily as a plain white t-shirt is money well spent. As is $100 on a pair of saddle brown Kenneth Coles that can be worn to the bar on Friday night and then to that interview Monday morning along with the aforementioned jeans and sport coat.

By May: Your Body

Here’s a secret that gyms don’t want you to know: You don’t have to live in the gym to get in shape. The famous Colorado Experiment (Google it) proved the body responds best with a maximum of two high-intensity workout sessions per week. You may not become an underwear model, but exercising while cutting back on beer and ramen noodles a few nights a week will make your new clothes fit nicer.

By July: Your Drink

What you drink says a lot about you. If you go to a party and see a guy in a sport coat with nice jeans sipping scotch out of a rocks glass rather than beer out of a red Solo cup, that’s me… the one the girls are talking to because I’m obviously very cultured and much more affluent than everyone else. By bringing your own glass to the party and setting yourself apart from the sea of plastic cups, you become the guy every girl walks up to and asks, “Ooh! What’s that?”

By August: Your Manhood

According to Aaron Kemmer’s book, “Exercising The Penis: How To Make Your Prized Organ Bigger, Harder & Healthier,” your wiener can go from Vienna sausage to Polish Kielbasa with a regular regimen of exercises. You can pick up your own copy at Amazon.com… not that I’ve bought one or anything. That’s just what I heard.

By October: Your Girlfriend

If you’re really committed to changing your life, your girlfriend will either feel threatened and break up with you, or she’ll feel inspired to get her act together along with you thus categorizing her as a keeper. On the other hand, if your girlfriend doesn’t care what you’re doing, chances are she’s cheating on you and you should dump her anyway.