By Brian Hodges

This is college, so casual hookups are pretty much as common as exams. And the more casual you are, the greater your chances are of hooking up with someone you’ll wish you hadn’t, come morning. But since you can’t come right out and apologize for being such a skank/manwhore/slut/scumbag, your only hope is to steer clear of your one-night-stand at all costs… at least until they take the hint and avoid you too. Not an easy thing to do when said hookup lives in the same dorm or apartment… on the same floor, no less. Fortunately for you, CT is here to help you avoid that unfortunate one-nighter who lives just down the hall.

USE YOUR ROOMMATE AS A LOOKOUT

Here’s where Karma really has a chance to stretch its legs. Have you been a pleasant person to live with? Or do you snore, leave trash on the bed and fart without lighting a match? In situations involving a regrettable hookup, your roommate should be your first line of defense. They’re the one who answers the door whenever your one-night-stand comes looking for you. And depending on how good a roomie you’ve been, they can either say you’re in class, say that you’re dead or say, “Come on in! I was just about to leave for the whole weekend.” Here’s hoping you haven’t been a colossal douche all year.

NEVER COME HOME ALONE

Always enter the dorm/apartment as part of a large group. Whether you know anyone in that group or not is irrelevant. Just blend into the crowd and laugh when everyone else does. If you cross paths with your one-nighter in the hall, you can simply act like your entourage is on the go and far too busy to stop and chat. Not even the most desperate, clingy wannabe lover would fight against mob mentality just to talk about “what that night meant to you.” Sure, it’s kind of a dick move to make somebody feel like a tiny and insignificant part of your social circle. Then again, so was screaming out the wrong name that night.

TAKE THE STAIRS

You think it’s uncomfortable running into your one-nighter in the hallway? Imagine being trapped in an enclosed space with them for 45 seconds. Yet that’s the risk you take every time you ride the elevator. That’s why I don’t care if you live on the 20th floor. Remember how lazy that one-night-schlub was in bed? Ain’t no way you’ll run into them in the stairwell. So take a hit off the old asthma inhaler and walk up. If you’re unfortunate enough to have the stairs dump out in front of their door, there’s always the fire escape. The alarm on that handle probably only goes off for a second or two. Probably.

HOOKUP ACROSS CAMPUS

Living down the hall from you for several months, your one-night-stand has no doubt memorized your daily comings and goings. Whether it was intentional or something a little less Fatal Attraction is another matter. The point is, it’s time to hookup with a recent ex or friend with benefits across campus and start (ahem) coming and going from there.  A month or two ought to be sufficient to make ol’ Standy forget your routine. If not, that means you’re dealing with a hookup of the more obsessive nature, in which case you’re better off switching schools and hiring a security detail.

PLAY THE DRUNK CARD

Let’s be honest here, the fact that you hooked up with this person despite the fact that you didn’t really like them… and despite the fact that you live close enoughto share a common bathroom…let’s just say if alcohol wasn’t involved, we’re all going to be profoundly disappointed. Time to own it. Repeat after me: “I’m sorry
Standy, I was so drunk, I don’t even remember.” It’s a heavy one. One that will probably destroy whatever self-esteem they had. But at least you won’t have to sneak around anymore. This technique works doubly well if you’re a girl, because that dude down the hall is going to spend hours upon hours wondering whether or not he accidentally date-raped you. If only for legal concerns, he’s bound to leave you alone for good.