Submitted By: Jessica Grant - University Of South Florida

You see, fellas, you’re not the only ones feeling the cold. Eligible females are feeling frosty and lonely, too! They’re jealous of friends that managed to hold on to their men through the fall and are feeling self-conscious about the half a pound of ass fat caused by microwaveable burritos, donuts and self-loathing. In other words, they are ripe for the picking! But how should you go about sexing up the winter solstice? How do you pull off a successful winter fling?

Well, my romantically retarded pal, take my advice and you’ll be wiling away these winter days in a far different position than last year. Yes, I know that last winter, the only joystick that saw any action was that of your pathetic, lonely PS3. Heed my advice, though, and you’ll be moaning ho-ho-ho all winter break long!

First things first, no one is going to touch you looking the way you do. And it’s only because I don’t care about you that I can tell you so honestly that you smell like the rhinoceros cage at the zoo. You’re going to need to scrub yourself up a bit. My best advice is to track down the non-girl in your life. You know her; she’s the one that you’ll never date but still hangs around you secretly hoping that one day you’ll fall madly in love with her anyway. That’s the girl you need. Take her out shopping, let her dress you up the way she’d like to see you out on your dream date… then ditch her at the mall and go looking for a hottie that doesn’t remind you of Aunt Beatrice.

If you can get past the first impression based solely on looks, there’s still time for you to salvage a decent week’s worth of sex before crude jokes start flying out of your mouth along with massive wads of spit.

Look, this is a vacation hook-up, not an all-out relationship. You don’t have to be Prince Charming but you also don’t want to seem like a contestant on I Love New York.

Now that you’ve groomed yourself, learned to act like a civilized human being and actually nabbed a suitable hook-up, there’s really only one thing left to do – get down! Make the most of your short affair by treating her to high-class experiences. Making out in the back seat of your car, midday nookie in the department store changing room and late-night romps in your parents’ laundry room are all viable options. Anything more would be spoiling her… and after all, she’s just a hook-up!