If your reading this then it’s the day before Halloween and apparently you’ve got a town full of zombies with pink eye hobbling around (zombies don’t run), and you need to get rid of them before they eat your brains or even worse, give you pink eye. Good job, Scooter.

Now, any responsible Zombie Help Line operator will tell you to refrain from going around hacking up and killing random zombies (Remember, she’s probably British and very passive by nature). She will instead tell you to chop off the head of the original zombie and all the other zombies will return to normal.

But chances are, before you find the original one, you’re going to encounter tons of brain-hungry zombies who have no qualms about bashing your head in like a Rhesus monkey’s and scooping out your grey matter with a Triscuit. Here are a few suggestions on how to deal with those inconsiderate zombie bastards.

Bowling For Zombies

Zombies are very single-minded individuals who aren’t concerned with things like driving around in a car. Instead they use what basic motor skills they have and just walk. You, however CAN drive a car. Find the biggest hunk of Detroit iron you can and sit at the end of a street until it fills up and looks like Bourbon Street on Halloween. Then floor it. It’ll be just like the time your Grandpa ran down that bunch of hippies at the street market. They’ll go flying like bowling pins.

The Force Field

Find the five hottest, blondest and most silicon-enhanced sorority girls you can and make them surround you as you walk through the throngs of brain-hungry zombies. The complete lack of brains surrounding you will create a force field basically making you invisible to the zombies. The girls’ hypoallergenic, colored contacts will also stymie the transmission of the zombies’ pink eye.

Thriller

It is a well-documented fact that zombies adore Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” It’s like the zombie national anthem. Chances are, you’ll be in the ghetto (It’s a proven fact, poor sanitation in urban areas contribute to 90% of all zombie uprisings), so there’s bound to be a boom box lying around somewhere. Just pop the tape in – zombies don’t respond to digital music for some reason – and crank the volume to 11. They’ll be so consumed with dancing you can just sashay right through the rhythmic horde and be on     your merry way.

Necrophilia is For Lovers

If you haven’t found the original zombie by now, chances are you’re screwed. With this in mind, it’s time to talk about an exit strategy. Notice I didn’t say escape strategy. I’m talking about an exit strategy from being alive. If you were about to be killed by zombies, what would you want your last act as a living    human to be? That’s right, have sex. But guess what Poindexter? Everyone else is a zombie. I mean they ALL used to be people and still   have all their people parts but how do you   pork a zombie?

Just pick out one that looks like he or she may have been a hottie before they got all dead and lure them away like you do with a kitten and a piece of paper tied to a string. Now, for guys, it should be pretty easy to hold a hot, dead zombie girl down long enough to finish your business before she bites into your head. Girls, you’ll just have to hope your guy zombie is a gentleman who cares about your feelings and satisfying you. Hopefully, his rigor mortis has already set in where it counts.