They say nobody likes a quitter. Well, nobody likes a little Mr. or Ms. Try-Hard either. They make the rest of us regular quasi-lazy people look bad. That’s why when every year one of your friends’ guilty consciences tells them they should resolve to be a better person for the next year, you should make it your personal resolution to make sure they fail miserably.

Think of it as Mother Nature’s version of checks and balances against New Year’s resolutions.

The good thing about New Year’s resolutions is they all fall into a few defined categories: getting in shape, saving money, finding love and being a better person. Each one of these hoighty-toighty aspirations can be thwarted by even the most motivationally challenged of friends, thus ensuring we all stay well within the moral boundaries of what college society considers acceptable.

Here’s how to derail even the most clandestine of intentions within each respectable category.

Getting In Shape

This one is pretty easy since peer pressure is the quintessential mothertrucker. Repeat after me: “Awww duuude. Screw the gym. We’re all going to _ _ _ _ _ . “Fill in whatever health-plan-derailing event is going on that night. All-you-can-eat wings, oysters, buffet or quarter mania beer specials are like Kryptonite to a fledgling health repertoire. Your friend will be right back on that couch playing Call Of Duty with you in no time.

Saving Money

Being broke is a college student’s right of passage. It’s like when Leonidas killed the wolf in 300. So who are you to not be a good Spartan and stand idly by and let your best friend be denied their God-given right of passage? The cheap wings and beer were designed to keep the average college student with some decent coinage in their pockets.

However, they weren’t designed to ensure TWO college students’ place in the lap of Bright-Futures luxury. At least once a month, make sure to leave your wallet at home when you and your friend go out. The trick is to inform them of your folly at the end of the night after they’ve had enough drinks to agree to pay your tab and at the same time not remember they lent you the money. They’ll be broke in no time.

Finding Love

Nothing’s worse than losing your best bud or girlfriend to someone who can offer them the love and adoration you’re too narcissistic to give yourself. This is where an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Every time they find someone they’re interested in, be sure to immediately point out all the person’s current and possible future faults. This technique is especially effective when the two of you are drunk and you can convince them to break off any relations with the object in question via drunk-text at 4:30 in the morning.

Being A Better Person

Seriously? Tens of thousands of people make this resolution every morning as they make the walk of shame back to their apartments, houses and dorms. It’s like every time you get sorority-girl-drunk and promise that if God will just make the room stop spinning you’ll never drink like that again. If your best friend makes this New Year’s resolution, just kick back and crack open another Natty Light. This one will work itself out on its own.