You and your buddies have been planning your Super Bowl party for months, spending more time hammering out the details of the seating arrangements than you have on homework this semester. Deep down inside, you know the party (with its canned beer, half-eaten bag of stale chips and couch that seats three) will suck, but at least you’ll be around your boys for the most hallowed day in all of sports.

Then your girlfriend gets a call from the doctor’s office where she works part-time, and guess what… her boss is having a Super Bowl party, too. You’ve met him before, know he makes a mint and should throw one helluva bash. He’ll probably even have those mini-hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls and a plasma-screen TV that’s more vivid than actually watching the game in the stadium, but you can’t just diss your boys.

So, you’re in a bind. The doctor’s party has its upside, but having to explain the principles of football to those who think a clipping penalty will lead to an HMO lawsuit isn’t always worth the free liquor. While your couch may have fleas, at least your buddies have a keen knowledge of the sport.

Decisions, decisions.

No worries, we’ve made it easy for you. Assuming you can’t get to Miami this February, follow these simple instructions to host your own Super Bowl extravaganza and have the time of your life!

TREATS

While the doctor will probably have an endless supply of baklava and stone crab claws, being able to reminisce about Super Bowl MVPs past will taste sweeter. You don’t need the most luxurious local catering, but you’ll want plenty of finger foods. Shrimp cocktail, chips, nachos, chicken fingers, pinwheels, veggie trays and pizza are all good suggestions.

Having people bring a covered dish is never a bad idea… that way you’re not left footing the entire bill for a soon-to-be-trashed apartment. Don’t forget the plastic utensils. You don’t want to be doing dishes during the post-game celebration… not that you know how to operate a dishwasher in the first place.

TV

Depending on the size of your place, you may consider two or more televisions. A large-screen plasma isn’t required, but you don’t want 20 people huddled around your three-inch iPod either. With anything more than a dozen people, you may want another boob tube so people can float around and watch from anywhere in the home.

Volume is also key. Amazingly, not every person will be tuned into the game. We suggest keeping the volume turned high enough so the conversationalists can get the hint. Of course, a swift kick to the shins would also get that message across…

DRINKS

BYOB are four letters your friends should be familiar with. It’s bad enough you’re going to have to clean up after your sloppy friends, you don’t need your crew getting drunk at your expense, too. Have people bring what they’re going to drink (unless they bring non-alcoholic beer, in which case you should direct them to the nearest figure skating competition).

Remember, one of the benefits of hosting a party is the leftover booze, assuming there is any. Make sure people bring a variety so the gang isn’t drinking the same flavor of Arbor Mist all night. Mixers are important too. Keep an adequate supply of soft drinks and juices on hand… for the more “ladylike” dudes who can’t take their drinks straight up.

GAMBLING

No Super Bowl party is complete without bets on everything from who’ll win the coin toss to which celebrity attendee will look the skankiest on TV. Literally every aspect of the Super Bowl can be turned into some type of competition, making the event all the more worthwhile (especially considering your team didn’t make it this year… as usual).

So, even if your team was a loser this season, your pockets can still come out a winner when all’s said and done! Only in America. Only during the Super Bowl.