Submitted By: Charlotte Layce

You’re young. You’re foolish. You think the future holds limitless opportunities for you. Little do you know that you’re actually traveling down a very narrow and specific path that will lead you to one type of woman. And all of this is based exclusively on your current major. Yeah… it’s that important.

English

I hate to break it to you, but you’re destined to end up alone… at least until you find a better job than night manager at the local Wendy’s. While it was cool to take film studies in undergrad and write about the cinematography in What Dreams May Come, your useless major has resulted in limited job prospects and even more limited girl prospects.

At best, you might net the cashier at your current fast food employer. At worst, you’ll make love to Rosy Palms every night. But, hey, that’s what hookers are for, right?!?!

Pre-Med

Congrats! You’ve effectively surrounded yourself with a very smart, very select group of young women. Gone are your days of duping drunken chicks into sleeping with “Dr. Dave.” You’re destined to wed a sharp-minded babe with an equally sharp scalpel… which she will promptly use to castrate any manhood you had left.

Get ready for a lifetime of tending to others, be it patients at the hospital or your wife at home. At least you’ll have a legit excuse for all those long hours away at night.

Business

Opposites may attract, but I prefer to look at relationships as two pieces of a puzzle. As such, if you make tons of money, it only makes sense that you end up with a gal who spends money more often than Spencer Pratt makes himself sound like a douchebag on national television.

It’s a good thing you’re adept at investing your assets, ‘cause you’ll need all the nest egg you can get after the Mrs. has spent your yearly salary in one shoe-shopping extravaganza. The trade-off for financing your wife’s small country worth of clothes? A hot meal on the table when you come home every night. And they say life ain’t fair…

Pre-Law

As adept as you are at manipulating the system, your better half will be twice as skilled at manipulating you for her benefit. See, you’ve spent so much time studying and honing the art of arguing that when you finally close the books for some R&R, the last thing you’ll want to do is fight over what to watch, what to eat and who gets to be on top later.

On the bright side, when you get tired of your bossy babe, there’s always that sexy secretary from your office. Just tell the wife that you’re working overtime on an extremely sensitive case that needs immediate probing. Don’t feel guilty… she’ll be cheating on you at the same time with that hunky pool boy she’s paying with your salary.

Journalism, Communications, Marketing, PR

Can you say trophy wife? Or perhaps washed-up TV star spouse? Truth be told, every woman on the planet with an aspiring eye for stardom will want to bed you. And truth be told some more,
we have no shame about it! If you can use us for cheap, meaningless sex (that sometimes turns into marriage), we can certainly use you back for our own aspirations.

But let’s be perfectly clear about something: as soon as we find a better opportunity (read: better lay), we’ll dump you faster than yesterday’s news. Yeah… the same news you reported on-air. Welcome to showbiz, sucker!