By Bella Fountain

It took a fair bit of cheap scotch and a lot of expensive therapy, but the stars have recovered from the emotional low of July. But you’d better be nice to us! We’re just one cutting comment away from hiding under a desk in the fetal position. Here are your damn readings. Quickly now, before the Vicodin kicks in…

Capricorn
(23 Dec–19 Jan)
August seems to be a month of teamwork. The stars aren’t sure if that means being on the team or doing the team, but either way, it’s all good. Remember, sluts have limited future career choices – flight attendant,
nurse or First Lady.

Aquarius
(20 Jan–19 Feb)
It is the Age of Aquarius! Not really, but you’ll act as though it is. The stars feel that if you act like you’re the center of the universe, you may just become it. Alternatively, you’ll remain the sucking black-hole that you are. Hey, it’s worth a try!
Pisces

(20 Feb–20 Mar)
Something fishy is in the air. Whether it’s a cheating partner, cafeteria price increases or the de-criminalization of marijuana, the stars feel you’ll be riled up about something. Everyone is telling you to calm down, but the stars say “go mental.” Punch at least one person today.

Aries
(21 Mar–20 Apr)
Stop Googling yourself. No, that isn’t a euphemism for masturbating. Keep doing that. But do stop looking yourself up on the Internet. You aren’t anyone important yet. Short of contacting Girls Gone Wild with a funny and “athletic” home movie, you won’t be. Ever.

Taurus
(21 Apr–21 May)
The stars feel you could be a famous fashion designer one day. You’re a know-it-all with somewhat dubious color coordination skills and a sneering hate for all women. But somehow everyone desperately wants your stuff. Yep, you’re a bitch, but a great one at that.

Gemini
(22 May–22 Jun)
Somehow, things are going Gemini’s way again. You’ve resolved your differences with the stars (cash happily accepted!) and we’re seeing good things come your way. Puppies, free pizza and hotties on the rebound are everywhere. Accept it all with open arms. Bribes can’t last forever.

Cancer
(23 Jun–23 Jul)
You were a mafia boss who tortured small animals in your last life. We know that because Karma wants to kick your ass. Avoid sharp edges, heights, pinstripe suits and horses. The stars will pacify Karma by unleashing them upon Aries for you.

Leo
(24 Jul–23 Aug)
You’ve taken the stars advice about getting a life and it’s working. You’re looking hot and getting lots of attention. Sadly, most of it is because you have something stuck in your teeth and you dance like a quadriplegic, but it’s a start. Keep shaking it stud!

Virgo
(24 Aug–23 Sep)
It’ll be an odd August. Partially because you get involved in a cult and have to hand over all $23.75 of your life savings. But also because you have a sudden rare moment of clarity. You are supposed to be learning while at college. Read a book moron!

Libra
(24 Sep–23 Oct)
You’re developing a Beyonce–esque butt. That is either very, very good or very, very bad. We just aren’t sure what you’re going for with the 400 squats a night. Astrologically speaking, beware. If it gets any bigger, your ass will have its own gravitational pull.

Scorpio
(24 Oct–22 Nov)
We see a part-time job in your near future. You’re broke and hungry, and the stars feel it’ll smell of meat, animal feces and sweat. So it’s either a pet store or the cafeteria. Stay positive. Humping is a sign of affection and you look hot in a hairnet.

Sagittarius
(23 Nov–22 Dec)
You may be living with a terrorist. Keep a close eye on those around you this month. Are they hiding detergent rather than cleaning with it? Are they spying on you through a hole in your wall to note your movements? No, you just live with a lazy pervert.