By Bella Fountain

Ahh, the beginning of another year! The stars and planets are aligning, creating a union and demanding better pay and mystical conditions. For us mere mortals, that means dealing with the flow of astrological picket lines and pay-offs. Watch your step this January!

Aries

(21 Mar–20 Apr)
Let’s be brutally honest. Whitney Houston is an Aries. Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross, Celine Dion and Rosie O’Donnell all share your sign, too. Why are you all such loud mouths? Really. All you Aries need to sit down and shut up for once.

Taurus

(21 Apr–21 May)
Just relax. It’s all good. Everything is a-okay. So what if your peeps hate who you’re sleeping with? So what if your addictions interfere with your ability to function in society? Don’t trip.
It’s all good. Get wasted at least twice this week and do something you’ll later regret.

Gemini

(22 May–22 Jun)
Spice it up! Punch a hole in the bedroom wall during sex. That should freak your partner out, right? You’re doin’ it, you’re goin’ at it, sexin’ and lovin’… then bam! You karate chop a hole into the wall right above the bed. Trust the stars. Be courageous.

Cancer

(23 Jun–23 Jul)
Possessions don’t make you who you are. Your lucky numbers six and four do. I’m actually surprised that your cosmically obsessed ass hasn’t realized this until now. It’s obvious. Focus on those numbers and things will always be true to your astrological course. Seriously.

Leo

(24 Jul–23 Aug)
Life’s crazy. So is death. Avoid swing sets and inflatable rafts like the plague if you wish to make it to February! Losing weight is also in your best interest. Even if you look like Nicole Ritchie a few years ago, a diet is just what the doctor ordered.

Virgo

(24 Aug–23 Sep)
If you continue on your present course, things will get bad. You’ll end up going broke.  In fact, the stars have a little surprise coming for you, so you’ll want to start saving up. It would be unfortunate if you had to prostitute yourself out on the streets for a while, wouldn’t it?

Libra

(24 Sep–23 Oct)
You really need to get out more. Hit the streets and wiggle it… just a little bit. Get thyself to a hip-hop club and shake that ass. Work off some of that winter weight. You’ll have half a chance of finding someone who doesn’t mind your mammoth booty at places like that.

Scorpio

(24 Oct–22 Nov)
You have good ideas that mostly amaze and inspire. Sometimes, though, you are just too sky high to make sense. Come back to earth for a minute. Get back in touch with people. Otherwise, no one will be able to connect with you. The hookers will also charge double.

Sagittarius

(23 Nov–22 Dec)
So, you thought no one knew, huh? You thought no one would find out, huh? You sneaky little bastard. The police? No… No… I won’t say a thing. You know what you did. You know what’s going to happen when they find you.

Capricorn

(23 Dec–19 Jan)
Not everyone will be as supportive as you’d like.  You don’t need to be rude… just make it understood that you are going to do whatever you want and no one can stop you. Call them losers but do it in a nice way.  You can do it! Maybe.

Aquarius

(20 Jan–19 Feb)
You are not stubborn…you’re just persistent. There’s a difference. But when it comes to relationships (especially with that Gemini or Leo you’re so mismatched with) you just might want to let it go. Venus ain’t feelin’ it no mo’. Give up this time. It’s over. It’s done. Bail out.

Pisces

(20 Feb–20 Mar)
You will have the opportunity to sleep with a large group of people. Don’t do it. At least not with all of them. Only half. Not only will it save you from eternal sluttiness, the half you didn’t sleep with will be driven crazy by the hot stories told by the lucky half.