July is a fantastic month for all star signs. All dreams will come true and all wishes will be granted. Unfortunately, happiness is like oil, the more there is of it the less its worth. You’ll wallow in pools of cash and lesbians until August.

ARIES

(21 Mar–20 Apr)
There will be a dark and mysterious stranger following you. You’ll imagine it’s a secret admirer but a quick look at your accounts has us leaning towards a debt collector with a bat. Pay your bills, moron.

TAURUS

(21 Apr–21 May)
For an unknown reason, a truly lovely person will be genuinely attracted to you. They are so nice even us cynical old stars can’t think of something mean to say. We don’t need to. Chances are you’ll stuff it up before we write again.

GEMINI

(22 May–22 Jun)
There is a good chance that you will be offered a job this month. Sadly you are truly allergic to anything resembling hard work and you’ll be a shivering, rash-covered mess until someone turns on Dr. Phil  and puts you back in your sweatpants.

CANCER

(23 Jun–23 Jul)
You’ll find yet another cause to campaign for this month. Last month it was “Save the Brazilian (Rainforest)” for the bevy of beautiful angry Latina women. You’ll troll the sign boards but find nothing better than “Plump and Proud Librarians.”

LEO

(24 Jul–23 Aug)
There is a vague chance that you will die this month. Try to avoid anything that could potentially cause your death. Cars, bars, alcohol, unclean women and fatty foods are all on the “no” list, which will reduce you to lying in bed until the risk passes.

VIRGO

(24 Aug–23 Sep)
Your parents are trying to send you a message… of sorts. The fact that they have closed your credit card, moved without a forwarding address and sent your belongings to you in a box addressed to “the occupant” should be a clue. Orphan.

LIBRA

(24 Sep–23 Oct)
Thanks for your ongoing belief in astrological intervention. It’s not that we didn’t hear you begging the stars to make her come back to you. We did. But the sight of you singing an Adam Lambert song in your socks and jocks made us wet
our supernatural pants.

SCORPIO

(24 Oct–22 Nov)
You are an idiot. But it’s okay. Lots of idiots have gone on to achieve amazing things. If you can abuse drugs and confuse your American geography then you’re still on track for a successful career in politics.

SAGITTARIUS

(23 Nov–22 Dec)
Less is more – most of the time. Adopting this philosophy has slimmed down your beer gut but it’s the cutting back on clothing and deodorant that is causing the issue. You’ve got to be pretty damn hot before you can rock the “stinky man in a loin cloth” look without someone calling security.

CAPRICORN

(23 Dec–19 Jan)
Yellow is the color of the month. Yellow underpants, hell – yellow over-pants! I’m not sure why but the amount of yellow you wear will directly correlate with two things: random bee stings and the love of the ladies. Go forth and shine.

AQUARIUS

(20 Jan–19 Feb)
You are moving toward being an adult. One day soon you might be able to say the word “bum” without giggling. You are paying bills, going on dates with girls you didn’t have to pay for and watching French films. Okay, that last one is just for the boobs.

PISCES

(20 Feb–20 Mar)
We were going to congratulate you on your successful migration to being a man-lady but it appears you have just been tricked into carrying a man-bag. While we wholeheartedly support our transgender buddies, a straight man with a handbag
is just icky and confusing.