Instead of all of the gift buying, and family, and cooking, and setting the table, and the “I should make real cranberry sauce but it’s not like any of these animals would know the damn difference,” and the clean up, and the tedious relatives boring you half-to-death, and Uncle Myron and those horrible cigars, and “For the love of God, didn’t anyone teach you kids to flush?” instead of that, you could just have a kegger with plastic cups. You don’t hear about people being stressed-out on St. Patrick’s Day – unconscious, yes, but not stressed.
There’s no reason to stop with Christmas. Instead of a thoughtful card, dinner for two, and a piece of jewelry for Valentine’s Day, we could buy a bottle of off-brand vodka and mixer to show our love. And Easter is practically begging to be turned into a drinking holiday. Halloween and the Fourth of July have already pretty much been turned into boozing fiestas so we just have to make the other national holidays get onboard. Let’s face it; Arbor Day desperately needs some alcohol to spruce it up a bit – even a bad pun makes Arbor Day a little easier to bear. If we can turn Mexico’s Cinco de Mayo into an American booze-fest I think we can do the same with Yom Kippur, Flag Day, Good Friday, and Kwanzaa.
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