A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!” The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The editor of a popular magazine was advising his wayward son. He told him, “Son, you need to be more responsible in life and learn the tricks of the trade. What would you do for example if the magazine came out with lots of errors?”
The son replied, “I will blame the printer.”
The editor became happy knowing that his son would become a worthy successor.

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he wasn’t feeling any pain.
When he got back to the ferry, the boat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!

Three things you must not hear the Doctor say in an operation theatre.

1) Now if this is the kidney and that is the liver, what the heck is this?
2) Now where is page five of this manual?
3) Shoo black dog; come away with that piece, that’s not your food.