Here she comes again. And when she’s not dancing ‘neath the starry skies, she’ll make you flinch with the most forbidden of desires. After all, she’s not just any girl. She’s your best friend’s girl. If it were any other guy she was dating, you’d think nothing of cockblocking him in every way possible. But even though you dig her and you get the feeling she kind of digs you too, there are rules that must be adhered to if you want to steal her away and still preserve your friendship.
RULE 1: MAKE DAMN SURE SHE’S WORTH IT
Ask yourself one very important question: Do you really like this girl? I mean really like her. Or are you just looking for someone to shack up with for a few weeks? Because even if you follow all the rules, there’s no guarantee this won’t kill your friendship. That means anything less than the potential for true love isn’t worth risking all that lame “friends for life” crap you and your boy have pledged together. You’re better off waiting until the relationship ends on its own because, unlike in Girl-Land, guys don’t have any rules against getting it on with a friend’s ex.
RULE 2: USE YOUR INFLUENCE
You’ve known this guy since he was that little pissant with the bowl cut and Ninja Turtles underoos. If there’s anyone who knows what makes him tick, it’s you. Now’s the time to use that to your advantage. Put it in his head that his best gal’s flirting with every guy in the bar or possibly sneaking around behind his back. You may be more treacherous than the spawn of a lawyer and used car salesman, but the end result will be favorable… for you, at least.
RULE 3: TIME YOUR WINDOW PRECISELY
Once the dirty work is done, you have a very tenuous situation on your hands. You can’t just swoop in the instant she storms out of the apartment without looking like a complete ass. On the other hand, if you wait too long, she’ll have moved on to rebound sex with the entire starting line of the football team. For best results, find a way to “bump into her” 24 to 48 hours post-breakup. Comforting and consoling can indicate subtly but firmly that you are into her. Once you’ve confirmed that she feels the same way too… DON’T DO ANYTHING! Take a cold shower and proceed to Rule #4.
RULE 4: HAVE THE SITDOWN
Even though, as we said, there are no rules in Guy World against going out with your friend’s ex, you do owe it to him to at least ask permission. Do it over a beer. Actually do it over two or three (or twelve) beers. You know, however many it takes to get him into that girly “I love you man and I’d do anything for you,” phase. Then, after shoving him safely into bed with a bucket, you’re free to rush over to that girl’s house and start up whatever nastiness you’ve been whacking off to since the moment your buddy first brought her home.
RULE 5: HOOK HIM UP
Sure, he gave you his blessing, but it still stings to spend time around a girl he used to see naked, knowing that she’s getting naked with you now. Of course, all that hurt and insecurity goes away the instant he sees a new set of boobs. This is simple science, guys. It’s your duty as a friend to make like Indiana Jones and search the world over for those coveted boobs. They could be girlfriend-style boobs that allow you guys the opportunity to, ahem, double date. Or they could be skank-style boobs that come with complimentary fuzzy handcuffs, edible panties and a recently-paroled ex-fiancé. Either way, new boobs will make the post-breakup “mourning period” fly by for your pal. And isn’t that what friends are for?
