Soon, a great and weighty decision will be placed in your sweaty hands. And no, it’s not whether or not to have the “seafood surprise” from the cafeteria (surely the events from last time will sway you in the right decision). No, the time is upon us to thrust the reins of this mighty country into the hands of… oh that’s right, we haven’t chosen yet. Helpful as I am, I have compiled a head-to-head analysis of the contestants to aid you in your decision making process. Read and deliberate carefully – the future is in your sweaty and seafood-smelly hands. Ugh.
Barack Obama
AGE: 47
ARM CANDY (WIFE): Michelle Obama (age 44). Yes, she danced like an even crazier Tom Cruise on Ellen. And we know she’s making you nauseous with the “completely unintentional” homage to being a modern Jackie Onasis, but I bet she smells like cinnamon and hugs.
REAL JOB: Attorney, so you can bet he’ll excel at screwing over foreign enemies… or the American people. You can never trust those lawyers.
DRESS STYLE: As slender as he is, whatever Obama wears has the uncanny ability of making him look like Gumby. Ironically, his running mate kind of looks like Pokey.
CULTURAL IDENTITY: With a Kenyan father, an American mother and upbringings in Honolulu and Jakarta, frankly, whose culture doesn’t he relate to? Just get him a new Eskimo wife and a couple of adopted Latina children and he is the UN all by himself.
HAIR STYLE: Short-square-debonair-hair.
John McCain
AGE: 107… almost.
ARM CANDY (WIFE): Cindy-Lou Hensley McCain (age 54). Seriously now, should any civilized country have a First Lady called Cindy-Lou? What’s next… First Lady Billie-Jo Rayburn? Maybe Senator McCain should’ve stuck with the first wife, Carol.
REAL JOB: Naval Aviator. Cool job… if you still listen to short-wave radios instead of satellite and eat oatmeal for breakfast every day.
DRESS STYLE: Well, he found what he looks good in and he’s sticking with it. If only he hadn’t found it at a “power lunch” in the late ‘80s.
CULTURAL IDENTITY: Southern Baptist white and Episcopalian white. McCain is so white bread, he threatens to put Wonder Bread out of business.
HAIR STYLE: Barely-there-hair.
There you have it, faithful readers! The important issues laid out before your very eyes. Now, the only thing left to keep in mind is that you live in Florida… so your vote won’t count anyway. Better luck next election!
