Generally speaking, nobody likes aggression. Save for a few fight-happy meatheads and bitchy ex-girlfriends, the rest of us levelheaded people prefer to keep things civil whenever possible. But when some inconsiderate assclown continues to bum all your smokes, eat all your food and screw all your recent hookups, even the meekest among us can have their breaking points.
So before you confront the offender through some combination of verbal abuse, physical violence or all-out vigilante justice, consider a more passive approach. By mastering the art of passive-aggressive warfare, you can solve many of your interpersonal conflicts without so much as a single confrontation.
P-A Maneuver 1: Articles Of Diplomacy (a.k.a. “Leaving Notes”)
A long time ago, some smarty-art guy coined the phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword.” While this guy definitely died a lonely virgin, his words ring true in this instance. A bitchy handwritten note can oftentimes be swifter than a strong kick to the gonads… with Doc Martins on, no less. Stick a letter on your lazy lab partner’s markerboard after he fails to produce his half of the assignment… again. Hang one over the sink when your slob of a roommate leaves the sink resembling the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Combining bitchiness with subtle comedy (i.e. “Hi, I’m a dishwasher. If you feed me dirty dishes, I will make them CLEAN for you!”) can often diffuse a cold war situation before it goes nuclear.
P-A Maneuver 2: Allied Support (a.k.a. “A Little Help From My Friends”)
Make like a protestor from the 60s and have your message heard by everyone around you. An all-out Facebook onslaught on your two-timing ex and supposed best bud will help draw sympathy from the innocent bystanders in your life. The desired effect here is to turn your neutral pals into full-blown foes of Slutty Susie and Backstabbing Billy for secretly sleeping together the day you broke it off. Once they realize how loathed they suddenly are, they’ll clean up their act ASAP… or continue to fool around without any remorse.
P-A Maneuver 3: Supplies & Propaganda (a.k.a. “Leaving Crap In Front Of Their Door”)
The best way to bring down an evil tyrant is to provide his or her people with humanitarian aid, tactical supplies and informational literature. The goal here is to swiftly incite a revolution from within. Try hanging a toilet bowl scrubber from the doorknob of your sloppy cohabitant or taping herpes brochures on the car of that skanky guy who swears the sore on his lip is from an elbow during a basketball game. Of course, you must take into account the likelihood of this backfiring and you ending up looking like an STD-infected bathroom cleaner to your friends and neighbors.
P-A Maneuver 4: All-Out Trade Embargo (a.k.a. “Hoard Everything”)
So, your roommate uses your food and shampoo like he’s staying at an all-inclusive luxury hotel but never buys his own goods? Make like Al Gore and put your stuff in a lock box. Your buddy keeps hooking up with every girl you’ve been hitting on? Make that jackass go to the RA for condoms from now on. You may seem like a greedy, petulant little kid, but people always say that about those who wield most of the power.
P-A Maneuver 5: Keeping The Peace (a.k.a. “Start Snitching”)
When all efforts at passive diplomacy have failed, don’t resort to violence yourself. Make a call to your landlord, RA or local authority to report that obnoxious noise violation, suspicious smell under your sink or delinquent rent payment. Of course, while you may be avoiding physical confrontation with this method, those you dime out most likely won’t resist the urge to punch your teeth in to the point that you look like a seasoned hockey player.
In the grand scheme of things, passivity only gets you so far. Some people are frankly too dense to realize they’ve been pissing you off unless you confront them directly… and aggressively. How you proceed from there is up to you (and, most likely, your muscles or lack thereof). For further ideas and inspirations, be sure to check out the internet’s main source for passive-aggression: www.passiveaggressivenotes.com.
