If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call-waiting signals. After all, your conversation to your boyfriend’s, cousin’s, sister’s, ex-best friend’s, father-in-law’s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.
Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.
You would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper, which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes.
But more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee’s first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this.
Don’t buy anything for the apartment
Use and abuse your roommate’s items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy new ones (case example: the spatula).
Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please
Certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess, shouldn’t obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.
If you wake up at 6:45am and need to take a shower
Be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40-minute shower – it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.
Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights, on at all times
We are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy. Let other, less-important people do that. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates’ room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It’s important that they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!
Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible
To whoever is calling so that they won’t call back and bother you again. How dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!
Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash
If your roommate won’t do it, just let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself to that level, especially when you are a princess?
Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks and in the shower.
Don’t clean out your brush over the trashcan; of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and every time they go to the bathroom.
Don’t ever throw out any of your food
That may be moldy, because it was buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a beautiful thing, and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.
Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen.
Whether it be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if it’s not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about it – you can always blame it on the cookie monster.
If one of your roommates has fish
And she doesn’t ask you to feed them when she leaves town – then don’t bother wasting your time feeding them. They’re only fish, and they probably won’t need to eat anyway.
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