In an effort to cater to America’s ever-growing need for “political correctness,” Rutgers University has undergone some drastic changes that school officials hope will end the constant debate over the subject.

A new program called The Diversified Equality Transformation Endeavor went into effect last month, altering the way students and faculty view their school and the surrounding community. “This new plan will allow for educationally oriented persons of all races, genders, religions and eye colors to learn in a prejudice-free environment,” said George Larson, the program’s creator.

Larson, who is the secretary to the Assistant Vice-Provost, first devised this program last July and has received much support from his colleagues. “Some institutes of higher learning may acknowledge that it is a good practice to be ‘PC,’ but Rutgers has gone all-out,” Larson added.

At the start of the fall semester, the body of educationally oriented persons returned from their summer vacations (now “vernal absence period”) to find a whole new school. Perhaps the most noticeable difference is that the male and female bathrooms, which Larson states were “discriminatory,” have all been converted to unisex. “Sometimes I’ll walk into a bathroom and a girl will scream,” said junior Mike Sammons. “I never know which one to use.”

Countless educationally oriented persons have become outraged, especially John Petersen, whose full academic scholarship was revoked when he uttered “blackboard” in class. “It’s a board of African-American descent,” Larson told him. “There is no need for such bigotry.”

Petersen, whose heart was set upon a major in Global Studies Of The Unbiased Historical Persuasion, is fed up with the “ridiculous” modifications that Rutgers has undergone. “I don’t care if they are going to re-name trash cans ‘commingled waste receptacles,’ but this is absurd.”

Practically nothing has been left unchanged – between the cafeteria (Hall Of Low-Carb, Sugar-Free, Globally Imported Comestibles), the library (Center For Academically Diverse Book-Related Studies) and the classrooms (learning chambers), students cannot escape this unprecedented level of political correctness.

“The Diversified Equality Transformation Endeavor is working wonderfully,” stated a melancholically challenged Larson. “Prejudice knows not to invade these walls,” he added (in an attempt to sound smarter than he actually is). John Petersen is enrolled at Drexel for the spring semester.

(We actually made all this up, so don’t anyone from Rutgers get your panties in a wad)