By Jessica DiGiacinto

Dating isn’t easy. Everyone knows this. Why else would Dr. Phil and Match.com exist? It isn’t easy and it’s never been simple, but according to some dumba** who wrote a lame book that got turned into an even lamer movie, there are ways for chicks to tell if a guy just isn’t that into them. Apparently, guys and their finite mentality can be summed up in a couple hundred pages.

Greg Behrendt (who, if you Google Image him, looks like a bleach blonde geezer who’s desperately trying to shove himself into skater pants and sport a half-assed soul patch) is the mastermind behind the book He’s Just Not That Into You – a Bible of sorts for girls who just can’t seem to decode the guys they’re trying to date. In truth, it’s nothing more than a bunch of remedial words stating the obvious.

I’d like to think that someday, I could be just as rich as Behrendt, because after all my years in the dating world, I, too, have my own thoughts on guys – but more importantly, on girls. Girls are complicated, right? So wouldn’t the person who finally figured out ways to tell if a chick just isn’t that into you be hailed as a dating genius and given their own multi-million dollar book deal? All I have to say is, Random House, call me.

How to tell she’s just not that into you

She’s Just Not That Into You If… she talks to you for an hour at the bar, then starts making out with the significantly hotter guy next to you after you’ve already bought her several drinks.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… she laughs at all your jokes. Seriously, if you were really funny, she’d be holding it in while trying to look cool and collected. Her laughter is indicative of her utter disgust with your acne, body odor and snaggletooth.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… she suggests meeting at the library. In broad daylight. To actually study.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… the phone number she wrote down on the napkin you handed her only has an area code…from the other side of the country.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… she doesn’t return your call. Girls are obsessed with the phone. If she isn’t using hers to call you back, she’s clearly not obsessed with you. Sorry, bud.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… she’s dancing with her back to you on the dance floor. She’s not saying “grab my ass,” but rather “kiss my ass.” Which I’m sure you’d like to do anyway.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… you come over on a Friday night and she’s in sweatpants without make-up. This signals two things: a) she’s not trying to impress you and b) she’s going out later… with someone else.
She’s Just Not That Into You If… you walk in on her and your roommate “talking.”
Look at her hair. Is it frumpier than an ‘80s pop star? Chances are they weren’t just “talking” 10 minutes ago.
Did that seem blatantly obvious to you? It did?!?! Great… I’ve got a legit chance at making millions like Behrendt!
Only in America, baby!