Truth be told, there’s nothing like a Saturday night college football game in a packed stadium. Or the thrill of a March Madness nail biter. Or even the purity and sanctity of October baseball. But all that aside, we could stand to see some other sports rise up the ranks in popularity. You know, sports from our childhood that really captured the essence of competitive spirit and, um, kicking your opponents in the nuts.

Roshambo

Speaking of kicking your opponents in the nuts, sports are full of metaphors and analogies that equate to having your family jewels stomped and squashed. But how many sports actually advocate the act itself? Only one. Roshambo, as popularized on South Park, is the manliest game around, and only the iron-willed (and iron-balled) can play and survive its viciousness. On one hand, excessive playing will leave you incapable of fathering children. On the other hand, adoption rates will surely rise. Someone needs to give those kids a home…

Capture The Flag

This game has it all (minus the kicking in the nuts we just discussed)… speed, agility, strategy and endurance. You can flank from one side while your teammate bobs and weaves through defenders, all while your third teammate tries to release your other comrades from “jail.” Jail! Capture the flag is like two-hand touch football meets tag meets a relay race… with jail! At the very least, this sport is, oh, a billion gazillion times more entertaining than watching 40-year-olds hit a golf ball into a tiny hole for four straight hours.

Frisbee Golf

As you could probably tell from that last statement, we’re not too fond of traditional golf. It’s old and stuffy. And slow. But Frisbee golf, on the other hand, is young and exciting. And best of all, it gets better with every beer you consume! A round of Frisbee golf takes no longer than an hour and a half, leaving you plenty of time to do other things with your day… like drink more beer. Besides, what’s more fun than getting hammered and watching a flying disc soar through the air after throwing it with all your might? Consider this sport a much cheaper therapeutic option than seeing a shrink for $150 a session.

Beer Pong

We saved the best for last! Never in the history of humanity has there been a sport that perfectly captured everything we love like beer pong. Practice makes perfect… but it also makes you incredibly drunk. Of course, that’s when the real challenge comes into play. You have to account for poor depth perception, seeing double and the possibility that you might fall over and pass out mid-shot. Quite frankly, there’s no better feeling in sports than draining that last shot to win the game, then passing over your leftover cups for your opponent to guzzle as you and your teammate perform pre-rehearsed dance moves and high-fives.