A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.” Q: What is the difference between a plastic bag and Michael Jackson? A: One is plastic and harmful to children and the other just carries groceries! Q: How many psychiatrists does it take [...]
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead, ask me… I know all of them.” A friend said, “Okay, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s easy… W!” A man was walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. Just then, he [...]
College is a unique experience unlike any other phase in your life. But the sensory overload of endless partying and complete autonomy makes it difficult to pick up on the little nuances that make college so special and distinctive. Well, here’s a little help to remind you that, yes, you’re actually in college. Printers break [...]
June will make you miss May, the permissive month. May I date my friend’s mothers? You may! May I fart? You may! May I roam the streets naked and impress with my physical prowess? Um, no. It’s June now. Try that in Completelyimpossiblember. ARIES (21 Mar–20 Apr) Aries has his swagger all the way on full tilt. A [...]
Four surgeons were on a coffee break discussing which type of people they liked operating on the most. The first surgeon pipes up and says, “Accountants are the best to operate on. When you open them up, everything is numbered.” The second surgeon shakes his head and says, “I disagree. Librarians are the best to [...]
As the school year comes to an end and you are studying your tush off, we will be up here lounging around poolside with our fruity drinks laughing. At least we tried to be somewhat productive for your benefit… ARIES (21 Mar–20 Apr) Your childhood best friend’s Mom makes a surprise visit with no apparent recollection [...]
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Leave your turn signal on for 50 miles. Pretend your computer mouse is a CB radio and talk to it. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat. Inform others that they exist only [...]
A court server went to a lingerie store and gave the owner a summons to appear before a judge. “What’s this all about?” said the confused storekeeper.“You’re being sued by an angry husband of one of your customers, sir. Apparently you sold her a push-up bra and her spouse is taking you to court for [...]
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the 1,200 students who went to move 26 cars please return [...]
A second grade teacher at a private school for rich kids was teaching her science class about magnets and how they pick up things like metal objects. After the lesson, she quizzed her class and asked, “My name starts with ‘M’ and I pick things up. What am I?” A boy in the front row [...]
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Win any argument with absolute style.
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You'll be surprised at what people pierce.
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