August is the pits. Everyone is skulking around in a bit of a funk. Not the good funk, or even the smelling funk, just the “got the blues but not in the hot James Dean way” pathetic, moping funk. Ah, I get it. It’s Edward Cullen month. ARIES (21 Mar–20 Apr) There is an issue with paperwork this [...]
July is a fantastic month for all star signs. All dreams will come true and all wishes will be granted. Unfortunately, happiness is like oil, the more there is of it the less its worth. You’ll wallow in pools of cash and lesbians until August. ARIES (21 Mar–20 Apr) There will be a dark and mysterious stranger following [...]
June will make you miss May, the permissive month. May I date my friend’s mothers? You may! May I fart? You may! May I roam the streets naked and impress with my physical prowess? Um, no. It’s June now. Try that in Completelyimpossiblember. ARIES (21 Mar–20 Apr) Aries has his swagger all the way on full tilt. A [...]
As the school year comes to an end and you are studying your tush off, we will be up here lounging around poolside with our fruity drinks laughing. At least we tried to be somewhat productive for your benefit… ARIES (21 Mar–20 Apr) Your childhood best friend’s Mom makes a surprise visit with no apparent recollection [...]
When he's not busy being a gypsy cab driver, Frank likes to pretend he's an actual gypsy. These are the December horoscopes he came up with after half a bottle of MD 20/20.
The stars want to let you know that September is a month for laughter, sunshine and debt-ensuing gambling binges that leave you and all your loved ones penniless and on the streets. Before you get all pissy and whiny, the stars also would like to remind you that you got several awesome meals comped at the [...]
The stars are in full alignment this month, making their powers significantly stronger than usual. As such, you’d be best served to abide by any tips and fortunes they bestow upon you, lest you incur their wrath. We’d hate for you to wake up one morning with a third nipple or a noticeable hunchback. ARIES (21 Mar–20 [...]
So after writing last month's horoscopes, the guy behind the dumpster has agreed to write them every month in exchange for 4 Steel Reserve tall-boys. I told him I would agree to his terms only if he promised to drink the Steel Reserve BEFORE he wrote the horoscopes. I figured it would help channel his psychic abilities.
SO I was taking out the trash this morning and was accosted by the guy who lives behind our dumpster. He offered to tell me my fortune in exchange for a beer. Long story short, I bought him a 12 pack of Natty light, gave him a pen and paper and he wrote out May's entire astrological forecast. Try not to crap your pants.
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