A Sicilian builder charged with dumping hazardous waste near the island’s capital of Palermo was recently transferred from prison to be placed under house arrest. Soon after the transfer, Santo Gambino, 30, broke his house arrest to visit the local police station and ask to be sent back to prison.The reason? Gambino would rather be shacked [...]
Teacher: Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in the field” Student: “A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.” Teacher: “Why?” Student: “Ladies first.” Q. Why did the tomato turn red? A. It saw the salad dressing! “You should be ashamed,” a father told his son, Andy. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used [...]
A man went to his local video rental store and asked the kid at the counter if he could get Batman Forever. “No,” said the employee. “You can only rent it for up to one week!” A man was interviewing for a job. The interviewer said to him, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible for [...]
July 4th may be the de facto National I’m-More-Patriotic-Than-You Day, but it’s your mission to drive that point home with the most over-the-top, spectacular display of patriotism anyone’s ever seen. And while the following is a complete farce, chances are you’ve come across several people who actually do this every year. Drive Home The Message Before there [...]
June will make you miss May, the permissive month. May I date my friend’s mothers? You may! May I fart? You may! May I roam the streets naked and impress with my physical prowess? Um, no. It’s June now. Try that in Completelyimpossiblember. ARIES (21 Mar–20 Apr) Aries has his swagger all the way on full tilt. A [...]
Four surgeons were on a coffee break discussing which type of people they liked operating on the most. The first surgeon pipes up and says, “Accountants are the best to operate on. When you open them up, everything is numbered.” The second surgeon shakes his head and says, “I disagree. Librarians are the best to [...]
As the school year comes to an end and you are studying your tush off, we will be up here lounging around poolside with our fruity drinks laughing. At least we tried to be somewhat productive for your benefit… ARIES (21 Mar–20 Apr) Your childhood best friend’s Mom makes a surprise visit with no apparent recollection [...]
A court server went to a lingerie store and gave the owner a summons to appear before a judge. “What’s this all about?” said the confused storekeeper.“You’re being sued by an angry husband of one of your customers, sir. Apparently you sold her a push-up bra and her spouse is taking you to court for [...]
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the 1,200 students who went to move 26 cars please return [...]
A second grade teacher at a private school for rich kids was teaching her science class about magnets and how they pick up things like metal objects. After the lesson, she quizzed her class and asked, “My name starts with ‘M’ and I pick things up. What am I?” A boy in the front row [...]
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