Once upon a time, in a place long, long ago – otherwise known as the 1980s – men proudly adorned their faces with porn ‘staches, grizzly beards and a fleet of other facial artistry.

Since then, the baby face look has taken off, forcing handsomely hair-strapped faces everywhere to be trimmed, shaved, clipped and controlled by the powers that be (read: women withholding sexual favors). Everywhere, that is, except for the annual World Beard and Mustache Championships held in Anchorage, Alaska. Check out what transpired at this year’s glorious event. The Planter’s peanut mascot would be proud…

Full Beard Freestyle and Mustache Champions

David Traver, along with the help of his stylist (yes, this competition is that serious), shaped his beard to look like a snowshoe. Keith Haubrich, on the other hand, got the competition cooking with his kitchen utensil-inspired ‘stache that really – pardon the lameness – took the cake.

Full Beard Natural Champion

25-year-old American Jack Passion took home the gold for his shiny, neatly flowing whiskers that look eerily similar to Daniel Day-Lewis’ ‘stache in There Will Be Blood. Interestingly enough, that’s exactly what the Germans were thinking when this Yank ended their long-tenured reign in this category. In related news, the Frank Zappa estate will surely be suing Mr. Passion for likeness rights.

Sideburn and Muttonchops Champion

Toot Joslin, from Tahoe City, CA, took home first place for his fuzzy-faced sideburns that spanned from ear to ear. Adorned with a feathered explorer’s hat and garb, Joslin narrowly edged out Bruno Panza of Italy and Bill Mitchell of Georgia. Joslin then inadvertently set himself
on fire after lighting a celebratory cigar.

Three Generations of ‘Staches

The van den Bremt family proudly sent three generations of men to the competition in full facial attire and full costume. Donning several hilarious outfits, the van den Bremts paraded around the WBMC in musketeer, Krishna and old Western garb. No word yet on the van den Bremt women’s facial features, although you could easily assume their tresses are trimmed elsewhere… in the lederhosen region.