The 6 Levels Of Being Hung Over

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Level 1

NO pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.

Level 2

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Rootie Tootie Fresh and Fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

drunk-girl-on-toilet-copyLevel 3

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86ed you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven’t peed once.

Level 4

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, 1976.

Level 5AKA Dante’s 5th Circle of Hell

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

Level 6 - The Infinite Nut-smackerdrunk-girl-toilet-copy

You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning….You try to lift your head. Not an option.

It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights…some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp Ready to Rock faintly atop your forehead…… that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your Hello Kitty pajamas and your slippers.


4 Comments

  1. Bruno Wise
    July 29, 2009

    Hilarious! Love these. We’ve all been there and it makes me kind of miss having hangovers, stupidly. The best way is to prevent them, I tried drinking a vitamin drink and added some liver detox pills (artichoke or milk thistle) before bed and since that have never looked back…found it on http://www.prevent-hangovers.com
    If you forget to do that though you’re screwed, a lot harder to get rid of a hangover once you have it.

  2. James
    August 21, 2009

    I expirienced all of these today. I’m in the military working with heavy machinery and i’m pretty sure that i was still drunk this morning. and i’m sure that it is pointedly obvious that i am drunk right now. Have any complaints about where you’re tax dollars are going. and yes, i pay taxes too.

  3. Ray92
    May 3, 2010

    Theres only one piece of advice I can give you how to prevent a hangover and thats avoid Malibu at all costs. It WILL come back to haunt you and you will hate coconut forever!

  4. Justin
    June 8, 2012

    I just go out for a ride on my motorbike – hangover gone in 3 seconds flat !

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