Submitted By: Kelly Waters - Santa Fe College

Men and women are very different creatures. I’m not just talking about differences in physical attributes like number of appendages either. The biggest differences between the two sexes is most apparent in how they view and handle the daily nuances of life. Here are just a few of the differences between the ape-like descendants of Adam ad Eve.

RELATIONSHIPS:

First of all, a man does not call it a relationship — he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis”. When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”.  Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate  You / I Love You” drunken phone call, and 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year old females can function as adults.  Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:

Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body.  Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just chicken- scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”.  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup…

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LOW BLOWS:

Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says, “Oh, gee.  That must have hurt.”  The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.  Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

TOYS:

Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of 11or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.  Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s.  Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders.  Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command.  Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it.  Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

FRIENDS:

Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time.  Men on a boys’ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or “Got any more beer?”